Replacement. How often do you find for it in your daily life? Well, certainly for some people it's like changing clothes everyday, but for people like me, it feels like finding a needle in a haystack.
Well, it is never easy to find a replacement.
Deep in my heart, when I'm about to loose something, I would desperately do everything I can to let it stay or take as many memories of it as I could. But as for friends, it's never predictable when they would leave you. Or even worse- family.
Whenever times are too hard for certain people, they would seek for ways to break free. Suicide, replacements, changing personalities.... There are so many ways. Which of it would you choose? Think carefully.
Well for me, I'm not a person who finds replacements to cover up my true pain. Yes for that little short while it might help, but there would always still be a scar there that u can never get rid of. So is there a point? I don't see it. The only exception I give for replacements is music. Like what I said before, music helps to get rid of my fears and.... Bad emotions? Music is special. I'm sure everyone listen to music right? And for most of you who do, you listen to music at times to calm your feelings or yourself down right? It's like replacement in a way actually... No that you can thoroughly or always use music to replace your unhappiness or anger or anything though.
Anyway, do remember to think carefully when you find replacements. Yes, some might help you, or even better still, change your future into a better one, but if you choose wrongly, it would create more sorrows, bring up your old injuries, and in the worst case, destroy your future. So to people out there, do think carefully when you make replacements! I'm not referring to changing your washing machine when it spoils okay (if you're thinking it that way). I'm referring to replacements for friends and family. Those which are alive and creates a great deal of impact on you. So think carefully okay!
But well, at the end of the day it still ends up back into choices, so make your choice carefully!
Anyways gotta go!
Ciao ciao ^^
P.S. I'm on my way back from overseas now, (it was really awesome for me cuz i bought 11 boxes of anime! YATTA!! XD) so gomen if I don't make sense at some parts! The van to the airport is shaking so badly it's making me giddy D'X
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Music
Music. Isn't it a beautiful and wonderful thing? Made up of different notes, beats and genres... They all combine to become a beautiful piece.
Listening to music everyday has long ago been part of my life. Music soothes me and makes me feel better.
Depending on the type on music, everyone's emotions might differ. For example, when one is listening to a piece of music with a rocky genre, they may feel hyped up. For me, I prefer calm soothing music. It makes me feel at peace, it makes me "throw away" my other emotions so that I can feel peace.
Personally, i think music is a really blessed gift to humans. Every piece of music is different. It is special. So people shouldn't discriminate any piece of music. Because to you it may sound horrible, but to others, it may be wonderful. So don't, and never insult any piece of music.
Well, if you listen to each song or piece of music carefully, I believe that everyone can, from the bottom of their hearts, understand, enjoy or even relate to the music. Listen, enjoy and love it! I'm sure everyone out there would definitely find - or in fact already have - a music they truly love.
Don't ever forget that feeling!
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao :D
Listening to music everyday has long ago been part of my life. Music soothes me and makes me feel better.
Depending on the type on music, everyone's emotions might differ. For example, when one is listening to a piece of music with a rocky genre, they may feel hyped up. For me, I prefer calm soothing music. It makes me feel at peace, it makes me "throw away" my other emotions so that I can feel peace.
Personally, i think music is a really blessed gift to humans. Every piece of music is different. It is special. So people shouldn't discriminate any piece of music. Because to you it may sound horrible, but to others, it may be wonderful. So don't, and never insult any piece of music.
Well, if you listen to each song or piece of music carefully, I believe that everyone can, from the bottom of their hearts, understand, enjoy or even relate to the music. Listen, enjoy and love it! I'm sure everyone out there would definitely find - or in fact already have - a music they truly love.
Don't ever forget that feeling!
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao :D
Emptiness
Emptiness. I really don't like this feeling. It is a feeling when I don't feel anything- even pain. But somehow, I have no idea why, I keep having this "feeling" nowadays. It's kinda numbing me.
Whenever anything ends, I would have this feeling. Why? I have no idea. For example, when a anime ends, I would feel empty inside. Also, like when after a day I spent really happily or even when a really really nice music ends.... I feel emptiness... Why?? It's like something is lacking. What is it? Hmmmm. I can't describe it. It's like when something ends, I want it to continue, but I can't do anything.
Well, I can only think of a reason for this feeling as of now.
It's probably inability.
The inability of stopping endings.
Don't you feel very useless when you desperately pray for something, when you try with all your might, but your efforts are still is futile? Well, that's how I usually feel nowadays. I mean. I really hate emptiness, but no matter how I try, I can't get it out of my life. Be it when I'm happy, sad or even angry. It's part of my life. My... Emotions?
But I don't get it. If emptiness is considered as an emotion, why don't I feel anything? It's as if my soul left my body. It feels like only a corpse is moving about. It doesn't feel like I'm alive.
But I wonder if I can try to "forget" this... emotion by filing myself with other feelings.
By overworking myself so I don't feel anything? Would that work?
Still, at the end of the day, I'm guess I'm just escaping.
Maybe I should try to overcome this feeling. But how? What can I do when I don't feel like I'm me anymore? What can I do when it feels like I'm just a walking corpse moving about?
This is scary.
But unfortunately, I have no one to talk to it about. Pathetic isn't it? Like I'm just living in my small little world, all alone. But still, to the people out there who are actually reading this, do you mind giving me any advice? Let me thank you in advance if there's anything you would recommend me to do.
So, if any of you out there has this feeling of emptiness in you sometimes, I apologize, because I can't really give you any good advice as of now. But still, I just wish that you can try not to be afraid of this feeling. Well I'm trying here, so you should too! Here's wishing you all the best! I believe you guys would definitely overcome this faster than me!
頑張ってます!! (it means good luck)
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao :D
Whenever anything ends, I would have this feeling. Why? I have no idea. For example, when a anime ends, I would feel empty inside. Also, like when after a day I spent really happily or even when a really really nice music ends.... I feel emptiness... Why?? It's like something is lacking. What is it? Hmmmm. I can't describe it. It's like when something ends, I want it to continue, but I can't do anything.
Well, I can only think of a reason for this feeling as of now.
It's probably inability.
The inability of stopping endings.
Don't you feel very useless when you desperately pray for something, when you try with all your might, but your efforts are still is futile? Well, that's how I usually feel nowadays. I mean. I really hate emptiness, but no matter how I try, I can't get it out of my life. Be it when I'm happy, sad or even angry. It's part of my life. My... Emotions?
But I don't get it. If emptiness is considered as an emotion, why don't I feel anything? It's as if my soul left my body. It feels like only a corpse is moving about. It doesn't feel like I'm alive.
But I wonder if I can try to "forget" this... emotion by filing myself with other feelings.
By overworking myself so I don't feel anything? Would that work?
Still, at the end of the day, I'm guess I'm just escaping.
Maybe I should try to overcome this feeling. But how? What can I do when I don't feel like I'm me anymore? What can I do when it feels like I'm just a walking corpse moving about?
This is scary.
But unfortunately, I have no one to talk to it about. Pathetic isn't it? Like I'm just living in my small little world, all alone. But still, to the people out there who are actually reading this, do you mind giving me any advice? Let me thank you in advance if there's anything you would recommend me to do.
So, if any of you out there has this feeling of emptiness in you sometimes, I apologize, because I can't really give you any good advice as of now. But still, I just wish that you can try not to be afraid of this feeling. Well I'm trying here, so you should too! Here's wishing you all the best! I believe you guys would definitely overcome this faster than me!
頑張ってます!! (it means good luck)
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao :D
Saturday, 3 November 2012
A barrier
Well... Things are much easier now.
Barriers... I guess I'm starting and trying to put them around me now.
I was just messaging with my friend, and she told me that "it's okay to rely on people once in a while". Really? Well, I can't see that. I mean. It's hard to see some people the same way after things happen.
Honestly, I feel that isolating myself is the fastest, and the less complicated way.
Well, I'm a really sensitive person, and I think of things deeper and somehow more complicated than most others, not that I really want to. So I guess, I just can't, or even have no chance of... changing my life anymore?
Barriers should be able to protect me right? From harms and stuff.
I'm scared. Really. From feeling hurt and lonely.
The only way I can think of protecting myself now is isolating myself, so that I can get used to... being alone. Like Hibari, like Alaude. The people who are strong, both on the inside and outside. Like the cloud, who drifts calmly in the skies, like how I would be amongst people.
But after long, would people view me as a cold hearted monster? That thought itself just scares me. Well, all I truly want is just to protect myself. Not be a cruel girl or anything. Really. So can I just consider myself as a Tsundere then?
If only "poof" and a barrier can appear. Then things, would be so much easier and faster. But on second thoughts, perhaps no. I believe that a barrier, which is built by my bare hands, would be stronger and firmer, and only then, I would - and could - feel safe, being protected by something made by my tears and sweat.
Something, I created by myself with my very pair of hands.
I really look forward to the day, when I can truly complete my barrier and protect myself. Then, I think I could be free.
Well, people out there who are like me, please don't give up! Remember, "a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step"! So, all the best to you!
That's all for now, Ja!!
Ciao ciao :D
Barriers... I guess I'm starting and trying to put them around me now.
I was just messaging with my friend, and she told me that "it's okay to rely on people once in a while". Really? Well, I can't see that. I mean. It's hard to see some people the same way after things happen.
Honestly, I feel that isolating myself is the fastest, and the less complicated way.
Well, I'm a really sensitive person, and I think of things deeper and somehow more complicated than most others, not that I really want to. So I guess, I just can't, or even have no chance of... changing my life anymore?
Barriers should be able to protect me right? From harms and stuff.
I'm scared. Really. From feeling hurt and lonely.
The only way I can think of protecting myself now is isolating myself, so that I can get used to... being alone. Like Hibari, like Alaude. The people who are strong, both on the inside and outside. Like the cloud, who drifts calmly in the skies, like how I would be amongst people.
But after long, would people view me as a cold hearted monster? That thought itself just scares me. Well, all I truly want is just to protect myself. Not be a cruel girl or anything. Really. So can I just consider myself as a Tsundere then?
If only "poof" and a barrier can appear. Then things, would be so much easier and faster. But on second thoughts, perhaps no. I believe that a barrier, which is built by my bare hands, would be stronger and firmer, and only then, I would - and could - feel safe, being protected by something made by my tears and sweat.
Something, I created by myself with my very pair of hands.
I really look forward to the day, when I can truly complete my barrier and protect myself. Then, I think I could be free.
Well, people out there who are like me, please don't give up! Remember, "a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step"! So, all the best to you!
That's all for now, Ja!!
Ciao ciao :D
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Trust
It's been days now since I decided to officially give up on something.
It's really, really difficult, especially so when she gave me a card on the last day of school.
Sometimes, I just can't help repeatedly asking myself,
"Who can I really trust?"
Yes, I know I should be able to trust my family, but I can't be relying on them whenever something happens right? That way, what would happen if I have to survive independently one day?
Would committing suicide be my only way out?
And if I desperately have to find someone else, whom can I turn to?
The world just feels so scary sometimes. Really. Apart from my family, I'm really all alone and a total nobody.
If someone tells me to turn to other friends, I can't just do that as well. I mean, I can't be so sure.
What would happen one day if they just suddenly decide to abandon me and tell the whole wide world my secrets?
Wouldn't that just turn my entire world into a nightmare?
If the you reading this now feel that I'm perhaps being too superstitious, yes, I might be, but I can't do anything about that. I really want to be carefree and just live happily with no worries too. But, I can't. I guess I was just born with this character. This stupid. annoying and disgusting other side.
Does this show that I should only trust myself and no one else?
Should I just totally cut off connections and stop making friends?
I really wish I could on one hand, but a voice just keeps telling me that that'd be too hard for me now.
Recently, I've been starting by trying to push away a friend to another friend. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that, I have no idea how to face her. When she keeps having fun with my other close friends (we're in the same clique) and I'm not there, it really feels as if she doesn't care at all. It just feels as if she thinks that how I feel doesn't concern her.
Well, on the other hand, with all my negative thoughts and all, wouldn't it be better if she stayed away from me or anything? Since she's a really positive person, I really don't want her to become like me. So I guess the only thing I can do now which is perhaps right, is to push her away. So far away that she won't even bother and remember me. I guess, the least I can do now is to just allow the positive her to stay in the light.
It not that I can't trust people entirely, it's just that when I trust and give in my 100% to that somebody, I always get hurt in the end. I'm really scared to the point that I'm terrified. So the only thing I can protect myself from all these now, is to perhaps maintain a distance with everyone. Just like Hibari. Sometimes I really want to ask how hibari is able to stay as a lone cloud. It's... Really lonely. Really, I wish I was born a idiot. That way I'd be free from all these. But unfortunately, I'm not, so I guess I just have to live this way.
Maybe. Just maybe. On the day when I become someone like Hibari, totally alone like the lone cloud, I can be free. But well, I still have a long way to go. Fortunately for me now, I have a little more courage to take a small baby step.
It's hard, but I'm trying, trying to leave my comfort zone to become braver.
Hopefully, when I'm like Hibari, it would feel like the rainbow after the rain ;)
Okay, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao
It's really, really difficult, especially so when she gave me a card on the last day of school.
Sometimes, I just can't help repeatedly asking myself,
"Who can I really trust?"
Yes, I know I should be able to trust my family, but I can't be relying on them whenever something happens right? That way, what would happen if I have to survive independently one day?
Would committing suicide be my only way out?
And if I desperately have to find someone else, whom can I turn to?
The world just feels so scary sometimes. Really. Apart from my family, I'm really all alone and a total nobody.
If someone tells me to turn to other friends, I can't just do that as well. I mean, I can't be so sure.
What would happen one day if they just suddenly decide to abandon me and tell the whole wide world my secrets?
Wouldn't that just turn my entire world into a nightmare?
If the you reading this now feel that I'm perhaps being too superstitious, yes, I might be, but I can't do anything about that. I really want to be carefree and just live happily with no worries too. But, I can't. I guess I was just born with this character. This stupid. annoying and disgusting other side.
Does this show that I should only trust myself and no one else?
Should I just totally cut off connections and stop making friends?
I really wish I could on one hand, but a voice just keeps telling me that that'd be too hard for me now.
Recently, I've been starting by trying to push away a friend to another friend. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that, I have no idea how to face her. When she keeps having fun with my other close friends (we're in the same clique) and I'm not there, it really feels as if she doesn't care at all. It just feels as if she thinks that how I feel doesn't concern her.
Well, on the other hand, with all my negative thoughts and all, wouldn't it be better if she stayed away from me or anything? Since she's a really positive person, I really don't want her to become like me. So I guess the only thing I can do now which is perhaps right, is to push her away. So far away that she won't even bother and remember me. I guess, the least I can do now is to just allow the positive her to stay in the light.
It not that I can't trust people entirely, it's just that when I trust and give in my 100% to that somebody, I always get hurt in the end. I'm really scared to the point that I'm terrified. So the only thing I can protect myself from all these now, is to perhaps maintain a distance with everyone. Just like Hibari. Sometimes I really want to ask how hibari is able to stay as a lone cloud. It's... Really lonely. Really, I wish I was born a idiot. That way I'd be free from all these. But unfortunately, I'm not, so I guess I just have to live this way.
Maybe. Just maybe. On the day when I become someone like Hibari, totally alone like the lone cloud, I can be free. But well, I still have a long way to go. Fortunately for me now, I have a little more courage to take a small baby step.
It's hard, but I'm trying, trying to leave my comfort zone to become braver.
Hopefully, when I'm like Hibari, it would feel like the rainbow after the rain ;)
Okay, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao
Monday, 15 October 2012
Officially destroyed.
A lot of things happened today, and I straightened out my thoughts just now. Now, I just feel like telling her this, telling her, that I will do what she wishes, which is to completely destroy our friendship, officially and forever.
To: cherry tomatoes (this is just a term to represent her name)
After today, I really straightened out my thoughts, and I would really try to auto-delete our happy moments once and for all.... You might say that it is impossible, but I am telling the truth. I will, and i would try with all my might to do so.
Do u know how painful it is to see someone whom u've been through with everything to treat u like invisible?
Do u the pain, that I've been through all these time?
Do u have any idea, that when after u cried in the bus that particular day, I've been crying every week, almost 5 days each week after u because of that?
I tried. I gave in all my best to try to get back this friendship. Really. I have to act tough infront of so many ppl u know, pretending that I'm all right. When I'm laughing with others, I would look towards u sometimes to see ur reaction. U didn't seem to bother. Why? Have u forgotten what we have been through? 1 and a half years.... I know u have tolerated my horrible personality... I have too sometimes u know.... It seems like we fight very often, but it made us closer did it? Well, that was why I thought.
I really tried to hate u u know.... I wanted to so I can pull myself out of all these scary feelings.... But I couldn't.... I am just like a kid lost in the forest, crying and not knowing what to do... Do u even know that I even thought of attempting suicide? I bet u think that I'm talking nonsense. If r and w (2 other close friends of ours last year) made me cry like no tmr last year during my birthday, and u can make me feel like dying this year, crying to death on ur birthday, doesn't this show how much I treasure u as a friend?
Haha I can't believe I'm crying again. I'm such a coward, a weakling, or even worse than a dog. I really wish u can see all these, but it's impossible haha. U would just laugh at this and say I'm stupid and everything. But I really, really from the bottom of my heart, want to tell u this-- I had never, never regretted making u as my best friend even after all these. Really, I have never regretted it at all.
I know u want to tell me to stop being irritating and acting childish, but I can't help it... Can u teach me how to stop?
I saw the pictures on instagram just now, when u went to ice skating... Glad u had fun ^^ but I couldn't be part of it anymore.... It's okay I guess.... I have no idea why, but when i saw the pictures, something my heart shattered. I couldn't be thr anymore. Lol do u know that when u guys were having fun, I was having cca and having blood test in the polyclinic? But I bet u wouldn't really care.... Moreover if I had went to the party, I might have destroyed all of ur moods so... ^^''
Anyways, I don't have the courage to sent u a msg to give u a birthday wish. But here, I want to wish u all the best in ur future, sry for being such a failed friend and most importantly,
Happy Birthday.（＾◇＾）
I never forgotten, that it was ur birthday today. It's the same day as zelo's birthday also what ^^
That's all, goodbye forever to our friendship I guess....
From: Me.
To: cherry tomatoes (this is just a term to represent her name)
After today, I really straightened out my thoughts, and I would really try to auto-delete our happy moments once and for all.... You might say that it is impossible, but I am telling the truth. I will, and i would try with all my might to do so.
Do u know how painful it is to see someone whom u've been through with everything to treat u like invisible?
Do u the pain, that I've been through all these time?
Do u have any idea, that when after u cried in the bus that particular day, I've been crying every week, almost 5 days each week after u because of that?
I tried. I gave in all my best to try to get back this friendship. Really. I have to act tough infront of so many ppl u know, pretending that I'm all right. When I'm laughing with others, I would look towards u sometimes to see ur reaction. U didn't seem to bother. Why? Have u forgotten what we have been through? 1 and a half years.... I know u have tolerated my horrible personality... I have too sometimes u know.... It seems like we fight very often, but it made us closer did it? Well, that was why I thought.
I really tried to hate u u know.... I wanted to so I can pull myself out of all these scary feelings.... But I couldn't.... I am just like a kid lost in the forest, crying and not knowing what to do... Do u even know that I even thought of attempting suicide? I bet u think that I'm talking nonsense. If r and w (2 other close friends of ours last year) made me cry like no tmr last year during my birthday, and u can make me feel like dying this year, crying to death on ur birthday, doesn't this show how much I treasure u as a friend?
Haha I can't believe I'm crying again. I'm such a coward, a weakling, or even worse than a dog. I really wish u can see all these, but it's impossible haha. U would just laugh at this and say I'm stupid and everything. But I really, really from the bottom of my heart, want to tell u this-- I had never, never regretted making u as my best friend even after all these. Really, I have never regretted it at all.
I know u want to tell me to stop being irritating and acting childish, but I can't help it... Can u teach me how to stop?
I saw the pictures on instagram just now, when u went to ice skating... Glad u had fun ^^ but I couldn't be part of it anymore.... It's okay I guess.... I have no idea why, but when i saw the pictures, something my heart shattered. I couldn't be thr anymore. Lol do u know that when u guys were having fun, I was having cca and having blood test in the polyclinic? But I bet u wouldn't really care.... Moreover if I had went to the party, I might have destroyed all of ur moods so... ^^''
Anyways, I don't have the courage to sent u a msg to give u a birthday wish. But here, I want to wish u all the best in ur future, sry for being such a failed friend and most importantly,
Happy Birthday.（＾◇＾）
I never forgotten, that it was ur birthday today. It's the same day as zelo's birthday also what ^^
That's all, goodbye forever to our friendship I guess....
From: Me.
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Memories
Memories are wonderful things. They are things that no one can snatch away from u, things that only u can own. Memories can bring u joy, but also bring u pain. Memories, can last u for ur entire life.
Recently, I have been horribly tortured by beautiful memories of how me and my friends spent time together. I have a friend, who is always very supportive of me, but I have no idea why she seems to hate me now. It hurts. I always pray that they could stop doing this to me and release me from my pain. Really. This is the worst torture ever.
Sometimes I would sit in a corner on my bed and think of all those beautiful memories that I had with them. And I can't but ask myself- why? What have I done wrong? I know that I have a horrid personality but please... Can u all don't do this to me?
But, if I could, I would really love to tell her this, "I never hated u, and I never regretted making u as my best friend, because it is u, who gave me all these precious memories."
Memories are really so beautiful. Sometimes I wish that wonderful moments can last forever, but it's impossible. There would always be an end to everything.
Recently, I've been to Universal Studios Singapore. That day was truly the most magical and fun day of my life where I spent time with my friends. In the roller coaster, I could scream at the top of my voice. In the 4D screenings, I could laugh and have fun. But all of these still came to an end at the end of the day. It's sad, but at least I still have my memories with me. I can look back at them any time I want, because they are all in me.
I really treasure my memories. They're more precious than any gems in the world. (but anime is the same too)
Everyone should have a memory that only they can have. Thus, regardless of ur age right now, reach out to the people closest to u, and start creating wonderful memories with them. Even if they might make u cry one day, remember this, memories are like the screenshots of the best moments in ur life, where u had the most fun, joy and laughter :) treasure them and don't leave regrets :D
That's all for now!!
Ciao ciao ^_^
P.S- exams are over now!!! Yay! I can finally enjoy now. ^o^ but I'm still damn worried about my results.... Hope I can get a good score!!
Recently, I have been horribly tortured by beautiful memories of how me and my friends spent time together. I have a friend, who is always very supportive of me, but I have no idea why she seems to hate me now. It hurts. I always pray that they could stop doing this to me and release me from my pain. Really. This is the worst torture ever.
Sometimes I would sit in a corner on my bed and think of all those beautiful memories that I had with them. And I can't but ask myself- why? What have I done wrong? I know that I have a horrid personality but please... Can u all don't do this to me?
But, if I could, I would really love to tell her this, "I never hated u, and I never regretted making u as my best friend, because it is u, who gave me all these precious memories."
Memories are really so beautiful. Sometimes I wish that wonderful moments can last forever, but it's impossible. There would always be an end to everything.
Recently, I've been to Universal Studios Singapore. That day was truly the most magical and fun day of my life where I spent time with my friends. In the roller coaster, I could scream at the top of my voice. In the 4D screenings, I could laugh and have fun. But all of these still came to an end at the end of the day. It's sad, but at least I still have my memories with me. I can look back at them any time I want, because they are all in me.
I really treasure my memories. They're more precious than any gems in the world. (but anime is the same too)
Everyone should have a memory that only they can have. Thus, regardless of ur age right now, reach out to the people closest to u, and start creating wonderful memories with them. Even if they might make u cry one day, remember this, memories are like the screenshots of the best moments in ur life, where u had the most fun, joy and laughter :) treasure them and don't leave regrets :D
That's all for now!!
Ciao ciao ^_^
P.S- exams are over now!!! Yay! I can finally enjoy now. ^o^ but I'm still damn worried about my results.... Hope I can get a good score!!
Friday, 28 September 2012
What not to loose
Yesterday can be considered as the worst day ever of this year. It was another day which I cried very hardly for.... An hour? All I can say now is that, I tried my best. This was the first time I could tell myself that yes, I gave the best I could.
I really have no idea why they were all doing this to me. I mean, is hurting me that deep really fun for u? It just feels like the cycle is repeating all over again. Really, why can't I just get over it? I am such a coward. I only do nothing but cry at a corner when something happens.
But this is me. I really tried changing my personality before, but it's very hard. Really. How do u know that I never tried? I hate this character of mine too. But what can I do? Can u tell me how to change it? Or do u really deep in ur heart just want me to be all alone by myself? Being a loner without anyone there for me. Is that really what u guys want??
Deep down I am really lonely. To be honest, I might be putting up a strong front, but deep down I am those kind of people who cannot survive alone. I really need someone who can cheer me up and comfort me when I am alone. But I can't show or tell anyone this fact can I? No one is ever really there for me. Yes there is my family, but always depending on them only gives them unnecessary burden. I don't want that. So, I only can depend on myself, keeping all these dark secrets deep within, and putting up a strong front. I mean, I can't do anything else now can I? I am all alone. I am also..... Scared of this feeling.
There is actually only one thing that I truly want out of so many others. I don't want to be lonely. Yes, I might want to become a anime character and live in the anime world because I can remove all these scary feelings right? But doesn't it just lead me back to not wanting to be lonely? Isn't it so funny? It just feels like heaven is making a fool out of me.
I realized this one important fact yesterday. You can loose anyone, but yourself. Be it your friends or anyone, all of them could forsake u, hate u or leave u, but u must never give up on yourself. Yes it can be so painful that u wanna die, but dying is just showing that they won isn't it? Live for yourself and not for others. That is the reason u were born. This is the only life u have that u are u. You might be leading a next life, having a nice and happy life, but it is not ur life anymore. It is someone else's. So, don't lose yourself, and live a fruitful life, so at the end of the day, u can have no regrets.
"If you don't give up on getting there, then you're not on the wrong road. Even if the place you arrive at isn't you were hoping for, just search out the next place from there. If you do that, you'll eventually arrive without fail."
So, everyone out there, do ur best and don't give up!!!!
That's all for now,
Ciao ciao
P.S. sorry for not posting for so long... It's exam periods now thus I have to study...
I really have no idea why they were all doing this to me. I mean, is hurting me that deep really fun for u? It just feels like the cycle is repeating all over again. Really, why can't I just get over it? I am such a coward. I only do nothing but cry at a corner when something happens.
But this is me. I really tried changing my personality before, but it's very hard. Really. How do u know that I never tried? I hate this character of mine too. But what can I do? Can u tell me how to change it? Or do u really deep in ur heart just want me to be all alone by myself? Being a loner without anyone there for me. Is that really what u guys want??
Deep down I am really lonely. To be honest, I might be putting up a strong front, but deep down I am those kind of people who cannot survive alone. I really need someone who can cheer me up and comfort me when I am alone. But I can't show or tell anyone this fact can I? No one is ever really there for me. Yes there is my family, but always depending on them only gives them unnecessary burden. I don't want that. So, I only can depend on myself, keeping all these dark secrets deep within, and putting up a strong front. I mean, I can't do anything else now can I? I am all alone. I am also..... Scared of this feeling.
There is actually only one thing that I truly want out of so many others. I don't want to be lonely. Yes, I might want to become a anime character and live in the anime world because I can remove all these scary feelings right? But doesn't it just lead me back to not wanting to be lonely? Isn't it so funny? It just feels like heaven is making a fool out of me.
I realized this one important fact yesterday. You can loose anyone, but yourself. Be it your friends or anyone, all of them could forsake u, hate u or leave u, but u must never give up on yourself. Yes it can be so painful that u wanna die, but dying is just showing that they won isn't it? Live for yourself and not for others. That is the reason u were born. This is the only life u have that u are u. You might be leading a next life, having a nice and happy life, but it is not ur life anymore. It is someone else's. So, don't lose yourself, and live a fruitful life, so at the end of the day, u can have no regrets.
"If you don't give up on getting there, then you're not on the wrong road. Even if the place you arrive at isn't you were hoping for, just search out the next place from there. If you do that, you'll eventually arrive without fail."
So, everyone out there, do ur best and don't give up!!!!
That's all for now,
Ciao ciao
P.S. sorry for not posting for so long... It's exam periods now thus I have to study...
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Purpose in life
Why are humans created? Why is there life? What is the purpose of even being alive, and being yourself? These are questions I ask myself after watching an anime today.
In that anime, a guy had no purpose in life. But his sister, who lived in an hospital her whole life due to her sickness, had a purpose in life. She wanted to explore the world and learn new things. The brother often brought manga for his sister to read in the hospital. His sister would give a bright smile and thank him. Then he decided that for the Christmas which was coming, he is going to bring his sister out to explore the city- whether the doctor allowed him to do that or not. He then started taking up numerous jobs, and decided to give his sister the best Christmas ever.
They had fun the entire day during Christmas. But shortly after, the sister died as her condition deteriorated. The brother then realized that his purpose in life was to buy that book of manga every month for his sister, and the smile that she gave him was what spurred him to continue living. He thought that he realized his purpose in life too late, but no. He decided that his new purpose in life was to live the fullest he could, in the place of his sister. But in the end, when he finally got his scholarship, he died in an accident.
When I watched this, I asked myself, why am I living? What is my purpose in life? I have no idea. I have no ambition, so I just pass a day as it is. I have no idea how it means to live for a purpose. To me, living for my family and friends are not considered as life purposes as they will all leave me one day.
But I don't dare to think too deeply into it. Even though that is my character, and I was just born with that personality to think deeply into things, I just couldn't bring myself to think further for this matter. What if I realize that I really have no purpose in life? What should I do then?
But that doesn't really matter now I guess. I think I just have to focus in my studies now and nothing more :) why pressure yourself about this now? There's just no point. (that's for me, as I really have no purpose in life. But not u guys out thr!!!!!)
But to all those people out there, I urge u to think about it. I hope that u would have a meaningful and awesome purpose in life. I dun want u to finally find out ur goal one day and then ends up like that anime character. It would be just too sad already. So, find out your purpose in life now, and fulfill it the best u can! I dun want u to have any regrets!!!! Good luck!!! :D
Gotta go now,
Ciao ciao ;)
In that anime, a guy had no purpose in life. But his sister, who lived in an hospital her whole life due to her sickness, had a purpose in life. She wanted to explore the world and learn new things. The brother often brought manga for his sister to read in the hospital. His sister would give a bright smile and thank him. Then he decided that for the Christmas which was coming, he is going to bring his sister out to explore the city- whether the doctor allowed him to do that or not. He then started taking up numerous jobs, and decided to give his sister the best Christmas ever.
They had fun the entire day during Christmas. But shortly after, the sister died as her condition deteriorated. The brother then realized that his purpose in life was to buy that book of manga every month for his sister, and the smile that she gave him was what spurred him to continue living. He thought that he realized his purpose in life too late, but no. He decided that his new purpose in life was to live the fullest he could, in the place of his sister. But in the end, when he finally got his scholarship, he died in an accident.
When I watched this, I asked myself, why am I living? What is my purpose in life? I have no idea. I have no ambition, so I just pass a day as it is. I have no idea how it means to live for a purpose. To me, living for my family and friends are not considered as life purposes as they will all leave me one day.
But I don't dare to think too deeply into it. Even though that is my character, and I was just born with that personality to think deeply into things, I just couldn't bring myself to think further for this matter. What if I realize that I really have no purpose in life? What should I do then?
But that doesn't really matter now I guess. I think I just have to focus in my studies now and nothing more :) why pressure yourself about this now? There's just no point. (that's for me, as I really have no purpose in life. But not u guys out thr!!!!!)
But to all those people out there, I urge u to think about it. I hope that u would have a meaningful and awesome purpose in life. I dun want u to finally find out ur goal one day and then ends up like that anime character. It would be just too sad already. So, find out your purpose in life now, and fulfill it the best u can! I dun want u to have any regrets!!!! Good luck!!! :D
Gotta go now,
Ciao ciao ;)
Friday, 7 September 2012
Time
Hello again!
I guess I'm posting something again to make up for my irregular posting :D
On twitter, I've read many things regarding life from other people.
Some say that seeking for love is wasting time, some say that studying is wasting time, and some would even say that everything that they've been doing is wasting time.
And more often than not, people always wish that time can rewind.
All of these is talking about time isn't it? If you were never born, you won't even have all the time doing/saying all of these right? Time is just like two sides of a mirror I guess. It could either be a miracle for some people, but also a torture and pain for others.
Many times, it really feels like time is making a fool out of us.
Older generations often tell us not to waste time and do the things we can as soon as possible.
For example,
Art Teacher: Don't waste your time on useless things like Facebook and twitter! It's useless!
What I can say: Then isn't learning and doing art wasting time too? It's useless for me since I know I won't become an artist.
The truth that I feel is, people are never wasting their time. Repeatedly watching the same old cartoon can allow them to remember some funny parts and laugh. This applies to learning. It is never possible for one to remember every single thing they learn. But they gain knowledge. Every minute and second, people would be doing something.
Even when they are sleeping, their hearts continue to beat. They continue to breathe.
So no one is actually wasting time. If you look it at another way, isn't wasting time a sign that we are still alive and still has time to waste?
So, never say that whatever you are doing is meaningless.
Yes, when you are fixated looking at things from a stereotyped angle, you are wasting time, but I still feel that in time logic, no one is actually wasting time. Somehow, all of it just feels so confusing right? So, instead of thinking so much, just focus on living your life to the fullest you can, so that at the end of the day, you leave yourself with no regrets!
That's all for today!
Ciao ciao :)
I guess I'm posting something again to make up for my irregular posting :D
On twitter, I've read many things regarding life from other people.
Some say that seeking for love is wasting time, some say that studying is wasting time, and some would even say that everything that they've been doing is wasting time.
And more often than not, people always wish that time can rewind.
All of these is talking about time isn't it? If you were never born, you won't even have all the time doing/saying all of these right? Time is just like two sides of a mirror I guess. It could either be a miracle for some people, but also a torture and pain for others.
Many times, it really feels like time is making a fool out of us.
Older generations often tell us not to waste time and do the things we can as soon as possible.
For example,
Art Teacher: Don't waste your time on useless things like Facebook and twitter! It's useless!
What I can say: Then isn't learning and doing art wasting time too? It's useless for me since I know I won't become an artist.
The truth that I feel is, people are never wasting their time. Repeatedly watching the same old cartoon can allow them to remember some funny parts and laugh. This applies to learning. It is never possible for one to remember every single thing they learn. But they gain knowledge. Every minute and second, people would be doing something.
Even when they are sleeping, their hearts continue to beat. They continue to breathe.
So no one is actually wasting time. If you look it at another way, isn't wasting time a sign that we are still alive and still has time to waste?
So, never say that whatever you are doing is meaningless.
Yes, when you are fixated looking at things from a stereotyped angle, you are wasting time, but I still feel that in time logic, no one is actually wasting time. Somehow, all of it just feels so confusing right? So, instead of thinking so much, just focus on living your life to the fullest you can, so that at the end of the day, you leave yourself with no regrets!
That's all for today!
Ciao ciao :)
Perseverance
Hello there.
I apologize for not blogging yesterday, because I was doing my homework the whole time... I didn't believe it before, but yesterday, I finally realized that perseverance does help you achieve the things you want (within your capabilities, that is).
I was aiming to complete all of my homework yesterday, which I thought was impossible. I wanted to give up a few times, but because of one goal I wanted to achieve, I did it!
Thus, I guess, if you persevere, you would realize that you can actually complete more things that you think you couldn't.
Persevering is NOT wasting your time. Yes, you may fail many many times, but as long as you don't give up, your goal might just be in your reach. If you look at it carefully, perseverance was how Thomas edison manage to come up with one of the greatest inventions- light bulbs.
So just remember. If there's a will, there would be a way.
Recently, I have no idea why I keep dreaming that me and that best friend had made up. When I wake up, I realize that it's all a dream and I feel so... Disappointed. I just can't stop asking myself what can I really do to get back this valuable friendship. I've tried many methods but it all just doesn't work.
For so many times, I wanted to give up just like that. But after what happened yesterday, it made me realize this- if I continue to persevere, I'm sure that I can get back this friendship one day!
Hopefully, she would get touched from all of these and we can make up ^^
But if she really thinks I'm annoying and gives me hints to go away, I would respect her decision. After all, I've tried and gave in my all.
So, to everyone out there, it is inevitable for one to fail and feel disappointed. But what really matters is for you to continue persevering and moving on. If you could do that at whatever things you do, I'm sure wonderful results would be awaiting u. It would not be 100% impossible if you have that will to do something. It is just a matter of whether you have that determination to persevere and strive for your goal.
So, allow me to cheer you on here! Just try your best, get all the luck you need, and create your own miracle with your own hands!
That's all for now, matta née!
Ciao ciao!
I apologize for not blogging yesterday, because I was doing my homework the whole time... I didn't believe it before, but yesterday, I finally realized that perseverance does help you achieve the things you want (within your capabilities, that is).
I was aiming to complete all of my homework yesterday, which I thought was impossible. I wanted to give up a few times, but because of one goal I wanted to achieve, I did it!
Thus, I guess, if you persevere, you would realize that you can actually complete more things that you think you couldn't.
Persevering is NOT wasting your time. Yes, you may fail many many times, but as long as you don't give up, your goal might just be in your reach. If you look at it carefully, perseverance was how Thomas edison manage to come up with one of the greatest inventions- light bulbs.
So just remember. If there's a will, there would be a way.
Recently, I have no idea why I keep dreaming that me and that best friend had made up. When I wake up, I realize that it's all a dream and I feel so... Disappointed. I just can't stop asking myself what can I really do to get back this valuable friendship. I've tried many methods but it all just doesn't work.
For so many times, I wanted to give up just like that. But after what happened yesterday, it made me realize this- if I continue to persevere, I'm sure that I can get back this friendship one day!
Hopefully, she would get touched from all of these and we can make up ^^
But if she really thinks I'm annoying and gives me hints to go away, I would respect her decision. After all, I've tried and gave in my all.
So, to everyone out there, it is inevitable for one to fail and feel disappointed. But what really matters is for you to continue persevering and moving on. If you could do that at whatever things you do, I'm sure wonderful results would be awaiting u. It would not be 100% impossible if you have that will to do something. It is just a matter of whether you have that determination to persevere and strive for your goal.
So, allow me to cheer you on here! Just try your best, get all the luck you need, and create your own miracle with your own hands!
That's all for now, matta née!
Ciao ciao!
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
A fictional character
Hi again!
Sorry for not posting this few days.. I guess I was just so busy watching anime with all the time I can spare. Honestly, although I'm still not yet recovered totally at the moment, but I still do feel a lot better.
A question was stuck in my head these few days, and as for now, I think I have the answer for it.
A friend once asked me for the reason as to why I love anime so much that I "live" for it.
Well, I guess my answer now is that I love it so much because I can relate to some of the animes- the meaning behind it.
I simply just love how the anime world is so carefree. And thus, that's a reason why I want to live in the anime world so much... Although it is like a world where one cannot differentiate between the real and fake like the world we are living in, but the different thing is, in the anime world, even though characters are fake and don't exist (in our world), if you really believe in them, you can really see that they are really real.
Things which happen in the anime world are just like fantasies, and in the world we live in right now. they are all considered as fictional characters.
Perhaps that's why I love anime so much.
They allow me to escape to their world for comfort and laughter every time I need it. As everything is not real, it's all like a blurred mirror where I cannot see anything, and it allows me to hide from all the fake people and their fake smiles in this world.
At least in the anime world, one thing is certain to me.
Friendships between almost every single one of them are real. People are willing to do anything for each other just because they regard each other as someone they care for, and not just "friends" in name.
That's the reason why I can't help wonder why can't our world be the same sometimes.
Why could some people act all friendly in front of you and still laugh at you behind their backs?
Why could some people act so carefree after stabbing you so hard in your heart?
Just why are the people in our world so fake?
If only our world is as pure as the anime world, where one would not lie and stab others in their backs like it's nothing unless they have a desperate reason. That would really be an oasis for everyone to live in wouldn't it?
That would be the most awesome thing ever. Thus, I just pray for this every single night.
I pray that when I wake up one day, I myself would just magically become an anime character living in the anime world, having true and real friends. Of course, I also pray that my family would be there too, enjoying that peaceful life with me. And we would just vanish from this scary world once and for all.
Well, I guess that's enough from me for now,
Ciao ciao!
Sorry for not posting this few days.. I guess I was just so busy watching anime with all the time I can spare. Honestly, although I'm still not yet recovered totally at the moment, but I still do feel a lot better.
A question was stuck in my head these few days, and as for now, I think I have the answer for it.
A friend once asked me for the reason as to why I love anime so much that I "live" for it.
Well, I guess my answer now is that I love it so much because I can relate to some of the animes- the meaning behind it.
I simply just love how the anime world is so carefree. And thus, that's a reason why I want to live in the anime world so much... Although it is like a world where one cannot differentiate between the real and fake like the world we are living in, but the different thing is, in the anime world, even though characters are fake and don't exist (in our world), if you really believe in them, you can really see that they are really real.
Things which happen in the anime world are just like fantasies, and in the world we live in right now. they are all considered as fictional characters.
Perhaps that's why I love anime so much.
They allow me to escape to their world for comfort and laughter every time I need it. As everything is not real, it's all like a blurred mirror where I cannot see anything, and it allows me to hide from all the fake people and their fake smiles in this world.
At least in the anime world, one thing is certain to me.
Friendships between almost every single one of them are real. People are willing to do anything for each other just because they regard each other as someone they care for, and not just "friends" in name.
That's the reason why I can't help wonder why can't our world be the same sometimes.
Why could some people act all friendly in front of you and still laugh at you behind their backs?
Why could some people act so carefree after stabbing you so hard in your heart?
Just why are the people in our world so fake?
If only our world is as pure as the anime world, where one would not lie and stab others in their backs like it's nothing unless they have a desperate reason. That would really be an oasis for everyone to live in wouldn't it?
That would be the most awesome thing ever. Thus, I just pray for this every single night.
I pray that when I wake up one day, I myself would just magically become an anime character living in the anime world, having true and real friends. Of course, I also pray that my family would be there too, enjoying that peaceful life with me. And we would just vanish from this scary world once and for all.
Well, I guess that's enough from me for now,
Ciao ciao!
Sunday, 2 September 2012
In the journey of calming down
Hi again!
Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was watching anime the whole day again. Just for you guys out there who have not touched anime before, allow me to tell you this- Anime is really really awesome and great. It can allow you to learn meaningful stuff, and it either makes you laugh to cheer you up, or make you cry because it's very sad and allow you feel better afterwards.
So, I just have no idea how some people can hate anime. I just absolutely hate it when they criticize about anime in general online. If they don't like it, they could just quit watching it all together and not post hateful comments everywhere. I mean, if they can't create something better, I really think that they have no right to even criticize it in the first place.
Well, putting that aside, earlier in the afternoon, I managed to scream all I want when I was alone! I really felt a lot better. I'm really glad that I managed to do three of the things I said I would do in two short days.
Listening to music really helped a whole lot.
I recall a friend once giving me an advice to listen to anime songs before i sleep, and it helped! I managed to stop having nightmares recently, so i think that its all thanks to that.
Lastly, all I can think about is that it's really great when there's no school, so I wouldn't have to face her... Well, I might be escaping, but it helps me recover... So I guess that it is okay right? At least now I have other friends talking to me, just like medicine, they are all helping me to recover, and I'm really thankful for that.
Having friends is a good thing, a blessing even! Although they may hurt me at times, but no one is perfect, so I guess I can't really blame them. Learning to forgive and forget so that I wouldn't be the one getting hurt at the end of the day is the most important thing for now.
"Love to gain, and hate to lose."
If you are those whom keep clinging on to the past (like me), why not remember the nice and good things instead of the bad and sad stuff? Just remember, even if friends bring you sad memories, they bring you joyous ones too.
No one could really live without friends...
Some say that they could, but watching shows when you eat and doing stuff alone makes you lonely right..? So, treasure your friends (those whom you can communicate with) and forgive the mistakes they did which they caused you to cry, because you might have made them cry too...
Anyways, that's all for now I guess,
Ciao ciao!! <3
Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was watching anime the whole day again. Just for you guys out there who have not touched anime before, allow me to tell you this- Anime is really really awesome and great. It can allow you to learn meaningful stuff, and it either makes you laugh to cheer you up, or make you cry because it's very sad and allow you feel better afterwards.
So, I just have no idea how some people can hate anime. I just absolutely hate it when they criticize about anime in general online. If they don't like it, they could just quit watching it all together and not post hateful comments everywhere. I mean, if they can't create something better, I really think that they have no right to even criticize it in the first place.
Well, putting that aside, earlier in the afternoon, I managed to scream all I want when I was alone! I really felt a lot better. I'm really glad that I managed to do three of the things I said I would do in two short days.
Listening to music really helped a whole lot.
I recall a friend once giving me an advice to listen to anime songs before i sleep, and it helped! I managed to stop having nightmares recently, so i think that its all thanks to that.
Lastly, all I can think about is that it's really great when there's no school, so I wouldn't have to face her... Well, I might be escaping, but it helps me recover... So I guess that it is okay right? At least now I have other friends talking to me, just like medicine, they are all helping me to recover, and I'm really thankful for that.
Having friends is a good thing, a blessing even! Although they may hurt me at times, but no one is perfect, so I guess I can't really blame them. Learning to forgive and forget so that I wouldn't be the one getting hurt at the end of the day is the most important thing for now.
"Love to gain, and hate to lose."
If you are those whom keep clinging on to the past (like me), why not remember the nice and good things instead of the bad and sad stuff? Just remember, even if friends bring you sad memories, they bring you joyous ones too.
No one could really live without friends...
Some say that they could, but watching shows when you eat and doing stuff alone makes you lonely right..? So, treasure your friends (those whom you can communicate with) and forgive the mistakes they did which they caused you to cry, because you might have made them cry too...
Anyways, that's all for now I guess,
Ciao ciao!! <3
Friday, 31 August 2012
Confused and stressed out
Hello!
Today's day had been... Quite good I guess?
The same cycle repeated in school again.
I really tried to communicate with others when they are not near her, but whenever someone else asked me something, the next second she'd be talking to that person and once again, I have to be all alone..
It really seemed to me as if she wanted to be in the centre of all attention.
It was as if she cannot be alone for even a second.
I already gave her the space she wanted, so why is she doing this?
Is making me isolated by anyone fun or anything?
For instance, during the Teachers' Day celebration earlier, (btw it's the last day of school before my September holidays!) she sat with all my friends, causing me to not be able to talk to them because I'd make the situation awkward if I was near her. Well, that just resulted in me being all alone at the end of the row of the class line. But fortunately for me, the people around me were really nice and the performance was superb! The only thing that I felt was saddening is that I celebrated it "all alone" without my "closest friends". But still, I tried to smile just now though!
Honestly, the most annoying thing is that I can't bring myself to hate that person. I keep recalling what we went through just now. and I just don't seem to be able to get it out! Now all I want to do is to scream at the top of my voice to vent all of these frustrations out, but I can't do it. There's just nowhere I could scream at.
I'm just so lost.
I really just don't know what I should do anymore.
I was watching a television programme just now, and something a guy said really inspired me.
"I can't bear to leave you guys, but I want to focus on my dream."
I think that it's really important to focus on a goal especially when one is at a loss, because it somehow is just like a light, guiding that person through the forest he or she is lost in.
For now, I guess my goal is to try to improve myself and try to make more friends, and not constantly living in the past. I would try to focus on my goal and not get swayed easily by other stuff.
It'd be hard, but I'll still give it a shot.
Ways I came up with to relieve my stress (which I would like to share with you guys!):
1) Watch anime- It really helps! Anime is really inspirational and it can make you (at least it made mine) happier!
2) Take a book to read- When you are focused and "entering" into the world of your book, you can really forget all the troubles you have!
3) Listen to your favorite music and close your eyes while you're at it- This way, you can fully relax and once again, forget your troubles!
4) Go for a run- That way you can vent all your frustrations out and feel better afterwards!
I think that's about all the suggestions I would try out during the holidays to vent out my frustrations... I hope it works!
That's about it for today,
Ciao ciao! ;D
Today's day had been... Quite good I guess?
The same cycle repeated in school again.
I really tried to communicate with others when they are not near her, but whenever someone else asked me something, the next second she'd be talking to that person and once again, I have to be all alone..
It really seemed to me as if she wanted to be in the centre of all attention.
It was as if she cannot be alone for even a second.
I already gave her the space she wanted, so why is she doing this?
Is making me isolated by anyone fun or anything?
For instance, during the Teachers' Day celebration earlier, (btw it's the last day of school before my September holidays!) she sat with all my friends, causing me to not be able to talk to them because I'd make the situation awkward if I was near her. Well, that just resulted in me being all alone at the end of the row of the class line. But fortunately for me, the people around me were really nice and the performance was superb! The only thing that I felt was saddening is that I celebrated it "all alone" without my "closest friends". But still, I tried to smile just now though!
Honestly, the most annoying thing is that I can't bring myself to hate that person. I keep recalling what we went through just now. and I just don't seem to be able to get it out! Now all I want to do is to scream at the top of my voice to vent all of these frustrations out, but I can't do it. There's just nowhere I could scream at.
I'm just so lost.
I really just don't know what I should do anymore.
I was watching a television programme just now, and something a guy said really inspired me.
"I can't bear to leave you guys, but I want to focus on my dream."
I think that it's really important to focus on a goal especially when one is at a loss, because it somehow is just like a light, guiding that person through the forest he or she is lost in.
For now, I guess my goal is to try to improve myself and try to make more friends, and not constantly living in the past. I would try to focus on my goal and not get swayed easily by other stuff.
It'd be hard, but I'll still give it a shot.
Ways I came up with to relieve my stress (which I would like to share with you guys!):
1) Watch anime- It really helps! Anime is really inspirational and it can make you (at least it made mine) happier!
2) Take a book to read- When you are focused and "entering" into the world of your book, you can really forget all the troubles you have!
3) Listen to your favorite music and close your eyes while you're at it- This way, you can fully relax and once again, forget your troubles!
4) Go for a run- That way you can vent all your frustrations out and feel better afterwards!
I think that's about all the suggestions I would try out during the holidays to vent out my frustrations... I hope it works!
That's about it for today,
Ciao ciao! ;D
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
A pessimistic me
Hey again.
I'm sorry that I sound so dead but today was a really hard day for me.
In school, I finally realized something today.
No one would care about me even when something happens. They would all just group among themselves and laugh with each other.
"You guys are all shining together in the spotlight while I sit in the darkness dull and down."
It certainly seemed that way to me.
Even up till now, my problem with my best friend still hasn't been resolved.
Nowadays, she would just stick with my other friends and I would be standing aside, being very awkward as it's hard to communicate with them when she's around. I'm not saying that she's mean or anything, but I guess I'm just so afraid that she would think that I'm being very annoying there.
Thus, I just stand aside quietly or just go somewhere else..
But why? It's really really hard for me because whatever I do seemed to be wrong.
People always think that I'm being a hypocrite but I'm just trying to improve myself.
Is that even wrong?
What saddened me most was that, when it was physics, I was there trying not to cry with all my might, and then my friend just thought that I was mad and sent me a "cheer up note". I know that people would usually think that I'm lucky to have such a friend, but really, it just hurts so much that I can only hide somewhere and cry.
Whenever they stand aside when I'm talking to someone, the others would be like "Hey! Come on and join in our convo!" and pull that person away from me. And then they would be all happy again, laughing with one another.
But what about me? I would just be considered like an emo person and everyone would just start ignoring me.
Why?
Okay I'm crying now again.. I'm just such a coward and simply so so weak. Why can't I be stronger? I just want to say, that
"You might have cried in the open once, but I have cried more than a million times in the dark."
Really. And that hurts a ton.
Earlier, another friend said that there holidays were coming, and I just told her that I wish that there would be holidays forever. There was really no point in me coming to school except for studying. Then, she just asked me this, "What about your friends?"
All I could say then was, "No."
It's really a bad time for me now, but I'm glad that the September holidays are coming. I straightened out my thoughts today, and realized that a wall is slowly building around me, keeping me away from everyone.
It's really just so hard to trust anyone anymore, so now, other than myself and my family, I don't think that I can trust anyone any longer. Yes I might still be the happy/emo/annoying/angry Michelle I used to be, but deep down, I don't think I'll ever be the same anymore.
I wish that someone could allow me to cry and make me spill all of this out and knock down that wall someday, I hate how there will always have this distance between me and others, that no matter how we joke and everything, it's not the same anymore. I don't want that wall, but I really need it so that I could at the very least protect myself.
Well, bye for now.
Ciao ciao
P.S. Sorry for not giving any good and positive advice today, I promise to do it the next time! :)
I'm sorry that I sound so dead but today was a really hard day for me.
In school, I finally realized something today.
No one would care about me even when something happens. They would all just group among themselves and laugh with each other.
"You guys are all shining together in the spotlight while I sit in the darkness dull and down."
It certainly seemed that way to me.
Even up till now, my problem with my best friend still hasn't been resolved.
Nowadays, she would just stick with my other friends and I would be standing aside, being very awkward as it's hard to communicate with them when she's around. I'm not saying that she's mean or anything, but I guess I'm just so afraid that she would think that I'm being very annoying there.
Thus, I just stand aside quietly or just go somewhere else..
But why? It's really really hard for me because whatever I do seemed to be wrong.
People always think that I'm being a hypocrite but I'm just trying to improve myself.
Is that even wrong?
What saddened me most was that, when it was physics, I was there trying not to cry with all my might, and then my friend just thought that I was mad and sent me a "cheer up note". I know that people would usually think that I'm lucky to have such a friend, but really, it just hurts so much that I can only hide somewhere and cry.
Whenever they stand aside when I'm talking to someone, the others would be like "Hey! Come on and join in our convo!" and pull that person away from me. And then they would be all happy again, laughing with one another.
But what about me? I would just be considered like an emo person and everyone would just start ignoring me.
Why?
Okay I'm crying now again.. I'm just such a coward and simply so so weak. Why can't I be stronger? I just want to say, that
"You might have cried in the open once, but I have cried more than a million times in the dark."
Really. And that hurts a ton.
Earlier, another friend said that there holidays were coming, and I just told her that I wish that there would be holidays forever. There was really no point in me coming to school except for studying. Then, she just asked me this, "What about your friends?"
All I could say then was, "No."
It's really a bad time for me now, but I'm glad that the September holidays are coming. I straightened out my thoughts today, and realized that a wall is slowly building around me, keeping me away from everyone.
It's really just so hard to trust anyone anymore, so now, other than myself and my family, I don't think that I can trust anyone any longer. Yes I might still be the happy/emo/annoying/angry Michelle I used to be, but deep down, I don't think I'll ever be the same anymore.
I wish that someone could allow me to cry and make me spill all of this out and knock down that wall someday, I hate how there will always have this distance between me and others, that no matter how we joke and everything, it's not the same anymore. I don't want that wall, but I really need it so that I could at the very least protect myself.
Well, bye for now.
Ciao ciao
P.S. Sorry for not giving any good and positive advice today, I promise to do it the next time! :)
Friday, 24 August 2012
Smile and be brave
Hey again!
At the start of today, I quarreled with another friend (it was more of a misunderstanding) because I couldn't reply her message on whatsapp due to me not having 3G.
She was really really pissed and angry at me somehow, and once again, due to that, I hid in the school toilet and couldn't stop crying.
The whole time, I just stuck with my other classmates and they were so nice to welcome me and even asked if I was okay.
But not wanting to show them my cowardly side, so I just smiled and told them I was okay. Yes, it was hard to smile like nothing happened, when in the inside, I can't stop crying and everything, but at least I tried to make up with my friend and we are okay now.
It is often hard to smile at the hardest times, but trust me, it would help. Showing your strong side to others would allow them to know that you are not a pushover. You can be brave if you want to. It's just a matter if you are willing to try or not.
So, quit saying that you can't do it and just try your very best to step out from your comfort zone alright?
Who knows? You might find out that you are actually stronger than anyone. You might realize that you have a stronger side somewhere which you never knew of.
If you really happen to break down, you would realize that it's worth trying to smile and be brave all these while, because all these helps you to build up your inner self confidence, and you would definitely improve to be a stronger and better person. Really, I'm not kidding at all.
That's why, I really think that it is very important to smile, especially when you are going through your hardest times.
So remember, smile and become a braver person! ^_^
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao!! :D
At the start of today, I quarreled with another friend (it was more of a misunderstanding) because I couldn't reply her message on whatsapp due to me not having 3G.
She was really really pissed and angry at me somehow, and once again, due to that, I hid in the school toilet and couldn't stop crying.
The whole time, I just stuck with my other classmates and they were so nice to welcome me and even asked if I was okay.
But not wanting to show them my cowardly side, so I just smiled and told them I was okay. Yes, it was hard to smile like nothing happened, when in the inside, I can't stop crying and everything, but at least I tried to make up with my friend and we are okay now.
It is often hard to smile at the hardest times, but trust me, it would help. Showing your strong side to others would allow them to know that you are not a pushover. You can be brave if you want to. It's just a matter if you are willing to try or not.
So, quit saying that you can't do it and just try your very best to step out from your comfort zone alright?
Who knows? You might find out that you are actually stronger than anyone. You might realize that you have a stronger side somewhere which you never knew of.
If you really happen to break down, you would realize that it's worth trying to smile and be brave all these while, because all these helps you to build up your inner self confidence, and you would definitely improve to be a stronger and better person. Really, I'm not kidding at all.
That's why, I really think that it is very important to smile, especially when you are going through your hardest times.
So remember, smile and become a braver person! ^_^
That's all for now!
Ciao ciao!! :D
Treasure, appreciate, and be thankful
Hey!!! It was a really horrible day for me today tbvh... I have quarreled with my "best friend" (to me she is considered as one I guess..?) for about 2 weeks now, and she still refuses to talk to me... :( The feeling of seeing your best friend, seeing you and ignoring you yet talking happily with other people is just really horrible. I tried not to look at her face because it would only make me feel worse. I keep telling myself that yes I've tried my best to retain this friendship, by SMS-ing her, giving her an apology letter and trying to talk to her... But those are all excuses to make myself feel better right? If I really treasured this friendship, I would do everything I could to make our relationship as good as before. But I didn't... I feel like a coward somehow... ><
To be honest, I felt that life was unfair. I was wondering why I was always facing these kind of problems when others don't really seem to. But now, I really realized how lucky I am. I was just watching tv just now and I saw how people in third world countries suffer. They worked the whole day, from 4am to 9.30pm slogging their hearts out, and all they get in return is SGD$2!! I was really shocked. I just get allowances from my mother every week and spend it unwisely. But those people never complained. They all worked so hard just for one purpose- for their loved ones to be able to live in better conditions.. Isn't it so touching and noble? I don't think that I would be able to do that... I mean, I always sets goals for myself but I never fulfill it. But as of now, I guess I'll try to improve..? I might sound like a hypocrite to some people, but I'm really trying here, with all my might. I believe that if one perseveres, they would definitely get good results in return. (Right?) The results might not always be ideal, but at least u got something right? ^^ it's just like waiting for the rainbow after the rain :D it would be worth it. So, even if you face difficulties that really make you feel like dying, just try to be brave, smile and live on! It's hard I know, because I'm experiencing it now and it really really hurts, but just try! If you really cannot do it, look for a friend whom u can really trust and confide in him or her! I believe that a real friend will definitely sit by your side and help you overcome this :) and if you really have a friend like that, you must really treasure him or her!!! A real friend is really hard to come by!! :)
Okay, that's all for today!!
Ciao ciao!!
To be honest, I felt that life was unfair. I was wondering why I was always facing these kind of problems when others don't really seem to. But now, I really realized how lucky I am. I was just watching tv just now and I saw how people in third world countries suffer. They worked the whole day, from 4am to 9.30pm slogging their hearts out, and all they get in return is SGD$2!! I was really shocked. I just get allowances from my mother every week and spend it unwisely. But those people never complained. They all worked so hard just for one purpose- for their loved ones to be able to live in better conditions.. Isn't it so touching and noble? I don't think that I would be able to do that... I mean, I always sets goals for myself but I never fulfill it. But as of now, I guess I'll try to improve..? I might sound like a hypocrite to some people, but I'm really trying here, with all my might. I believe that if one perseveres, they would definitely get good results in return. (Right?) The results might not always be ideal, but at least u got something right? ^^ it's just like waiting for the rainbow after the rain :D it would be worth it. So, even if you face difficulties that really make you feel like dying, just try to be brave, smile and live on! It's hard I know, because I'm experiencing it now and it really really hurts, but just try! If you really cannot do it, look for a friend whom u can really trust and confide in him or her! I believe that a real friend will definitely sit by your side and help you overcome this :) and if you really have a friend like that, you must really treasure him or her!!! A real friend is really hard to come by!! :)
Okay, that's all for today!!
Ciao ciao!!
Hello!
Hello there! This is a blog which I created to post what I think about life and my feelings from time to time. This is a little like a blog diary, but I hope that people (aka you) can come and leave comments here! I would give advice to you if you happen to need it, but please guide me along too! ^_^
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