Trust

It's been days now since I decided to officially give up on something.
It's really, really difficult, especially so when she gave me a card on the last day of school.

Sometimes, I just can't help repeatedly asking myself,

"Who can I really trust?"

Yes, I know I should be able to trust my family, but I can't be relying on them whenever something happens right? That way, what would happen if I have to survive independently one day?

Would committing suicide be my only way out?

And if I desperately have to find someone else, whom can I turn to?
The world just feels so scary sometimes. Really. Apart from my family, I'm really all alone and a total nobody.
If someone tells me to turn to other friends, I can't just do that as well. I mean, I can't be so sure.

What would happen one day if they just suddenly decide to abandon me and tell the whole wide world my secrets?
Wouldn't that just turn my entire world into a nightmare?

If the you reading this now feel that I'm perhaps being too superstitious, yes, I might be, but I can't do anything about that. I really want to be carefree and just live happily with no worries too. But, I can't. I guess I was just born with this character. This stupid. annoying and disgusting other side.

Does this show that I should only trust myself and no one else?
Should I just totally cut off connections and stop making friends?
I really wish I could on one hand, but a voice just keeps telling me that that'd be too hard for me now.

Recently, I've been starting by trying to push away a friend to another friend. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that, I have no idea how to face her. When she keeps having fun with my other close friends (we're in the same clique) and I'm not there, it really feels as if she doesn't care at all. It just feels as if she thinks that how I feel doesn't concern her.

Well, on the other hand, with all my negative thoughts and all, wouldn't it be better if she stayed away from me or anything? Since she's a really positive person, I really don't want her to become like me. So I guess the only thing I can do now which is perhaps right, is to push her away. So far away that she won't even bother and remember me. I guess, the least I can do now is to just allow the positive her to stay in the light.

It not that I can't trust people entirely, it's just that when I trust and give in my 100% to that somebody, I always get hurt in the end. I'm really scared to the point that I'm terrified. So the only thing I can protect myself from all these now, is to perhaps maintain a distance with everyone. Just like Hibari. Sometimes I really want to ask how hibari is able to stay as a lone cloud. It's... Really lonely. Really, I wish I was born a idiot. That way I'd be free from all these. But unfortunately, I'm not, so I guess I just have to live this way.

Maybe. Just maybe. On the day when I become someone like Hibari, totally alone like the lone cloud, I can be free. But well, I still have a long way to go. Fortunately for me now, I have a little more courage to take a small baby step.

It's hard, but I'm trying, trying to leave my comfort zone to become braver.
Hopefully, when I'm like Hibari, it would feel like the rainbow after the rain ;)

Okay, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao