Insignificance

Insignificance. I have that feeling everyday. Having this feeling everyday is not the main thing here-- it is the number of times I felt it each day which mattered. How does it feel to be insignificant? Well, I can't exactly describe that feeling. It is more of a feeling of not being valued, and a pain which kinda suffocates you and make you unable to breathe. I'm sure many of you out there can understand this feeling, and don't like this feeling one bit. But we can't get rid of this feeling. We only can learn to accept it.

I hate being compared. Really. Especially when it's with my sister. She is smart, and younger than I am, so everyone in my family always pick her first. Everyone always assumes that I have everything thing I need and they just give the best to her. It's really unfair. Just because at times I try to fight for myself, and she just sits aside, pretending that she doesn't need anything, people would start to care for her more and throw me aside. She gets whatever she wants without any effort, while I have to patiently wait for my turn, which is always after everything is over.

My father always tells me to give and take, and I would always keep telling myself that too, so that I can try to prevent the evil side of me from growing. It's really hard. So hard that I want to just throw everything else aside and just vanish from this world once and for all. But can I really bear to? That question just keeps repeating itself in my head, pushing my ideas back and fro.

Maybe it's because I did something wrong. Maybe it's because I'm just born so evil. Maybe it's because I'm just not worth anyone's care at all. I really don't know. All I keep doing now is comfort myself with the "once in a while" kind side of other people, and keep telling myself that I cannot be so ungrateful to those people.

Nowadays, the thought "No one would notice even if I disappeared." keeps popping into my mind. I really hate it whenever someone dear to me, especially my elders, my parents, turns their back on me when I need them the most. But I can't hate. If I hate, I'll be infilial to them. Isn't it just so funny? I can't turn my back against them when they throw me aside like junk, but i have to do whatever they wish whenever they need my help. I have to smile bravely behind them, alone. What's worst is, I can't seem to see Hibari, who is always here together with me in my mind, anywhere near me. It's so scary and painful you know. But no one ever understands or even notices the many times I felt this way. I have to take so much effort just to hide my tears. I keep trying and trying and trying but somehow it just keeps feeling impossible.
Most of the times, giving your all doesn't guarantee that you can get whatever you desire. So does giving your all have any significance at all?
I keep forcing myself to smile whenever I feel like crying while thinking of that. A mask. Yes. A mask which hides that ugly and sinister side of me from the whole world so nobody can ever see that real me. If only something like that exists. If only.

Am I going to end this post depressingly again? Hmmmm I guess not. Here's a piece of advice I have for everyone when they feel insignificant. Think of the times when those people who are turning their backs against you did something in your favour. Think about how they might still be by your side even if they are not smiling at you.
Be brave.
I'll be here for you.
This stranger from nowhere near you is supporting you in any direction you wish to move forward to.
So wipe away those tears on your face when you think of yourself as insignificant or that nobody ever needs you, because, there are people out there who actually need you despite you being unaware.
Do your best, and try to live for yourself and not for anyone else.
Smile! :)

See you next time!
Ciao ciao!

Lies.

Exaggeration.
Truth.
Self.

These were the other 3 titles I have been debating for for this particular blog post. But in the end, I still chose "lies" to finish it all. Well, I guess "lies" somehow just envelopes and shows it all.

Somehow, in this moment, I can say that I'm being the most honest from the entire 2 years, (or 1 year plus), that had passed. Sounds very long isn't it? But no, I'm not lying. I need to write all of these down now, so that I can remember a part of me who could actually be honest with herself after all of these.
I had been thinking just minutes ago, and somehow, everything just pieced itself together. I can now bravely say that I'm just living in my own lies within these 2 years.

Yes, I know that I have been saying how much other people have hurt me and caused me to be who I am today, the one who was actually hurting me from the very beginning was me myself. From the day me and her "broke up", and had our friendship destroyed, I have been lying to myself non-stop, and now, I can't step out of it anymore.
Maybe, because I was hurt so badly the first time for losing a friendship, I lost control. To make myself look more pitiful, I kept telling myself that I have so much pain and darkness within me and I can never be "normal" again. That was all bullshit. That was not the truth at all. That never happened before i said that first lie to myself. Because I kept telling myself that that was the "real me", and that darkness had consumed me entirely and all, I was dragged in. I was convinced by my own lies. Then, one lie just led to another, and another and another and another. It was endless. Not only to myself, I started lying to everyone else too. My life, suddenly became a stage, and I was my own main character. Does it sound splendid? No. It is actually the complete opposite. It is really really horrible. Yes, I could act out any character I want with the perfect script imprinted in my head instantly. Honestly, I am that good now. But that was not the truth before. Because I wanted to gain pity for myself, I kept lying and said that I could lie so well and all. But I am actually not good at it at all then. Two years ago, when I said that I could lie very well, I was lying because I couldn't. I was the only audience to the me acting on the stage, so how does that make me the perfect actress? So, the truth from the very beginning was that I was lying to everyone so "perfectly", so that I could lie to my own self. Sorry if it sounded confusing, but all I want to say is that, despite being very good at lying now even though I keep saying that it is a bad thing, I was the very cause of all these lies.

The multiple sides that I have within me, very born because of all the lies I made to myself. Because I kept making myself look so vulnerable and weak, naturally the negative side grown. But then, because I had to try to balance myself out and look "normal" in front of everyone else, the kind side within me also grew. At this very moment, because of all my lies, I can no longer tell apart who is the real me anymore. I can no longer tell whether I am nice or evil in the beginning because the multiple sides within me which is created from my lies, and now all "lying" to me. I am really so confused. I really want to go back to 2 years ago to see how the me actually was then. Was I kind? Or was I naturally the antagonist of all the plays on my stage?
I really wish someone could tell me who I really am.
Not only my relatives, but my friends especially. They all keep saying that I am very "nice". Is that really the truth? Since when? Honestly, I cannot remember how I was nice to them. I had been so obsessed in lying to myself that I did not realise that I was actually "sucking up" to the people around me. When a friend first told me that I was nice, it was when I realised that I was lost within my own world, because I cannot remember which side of me is the real me. I felt so guilty whenever someone else said that I was "nice", because, that might not necessarily be the truth. In addition, recently, I started to realise that I was only "nice" to the people I knew. During my recess period last week, because someone I didn't really like bumped into me, I unconsciously gave off a "death glare". I didn't know I actually did that at first before I friend told me. I was shocked. I tried to cover that up by saying other stuff, but now when I think of it, I haven't gotten over it yet. Am I really such a scary person? Despite my friends saying that I am very nice, there are many others who said that I looked "scary" when I was alone. So, am I really that "nice person" everyone else was referring me to as? I really really have no idea.

What should I do?
Can anyone please tell me?
I'm really really scared that I'll completely lose myself one day, and now, this is not an lie nor an exaggeration. I am really already starting to "forget" things. Not forgetting as in having short term memory, but forgetting who I really am inside.
Because of the lies and the constant exaggeration I make to make myself look pitiful, to gain attention, I am resulting in more pain for myself now. Honestly, I really regret it, but I just can't stop. The lies and exaggeration just keeps coming so naturally, it is as if I can no longer control myelf anymore.

Okay, I guess I really need to start to post inspirational things again so that I can help someone else to prevent another victim for falling in to a similar darkness to mine. But for now, I just wanted to try to be more honest with myself before I can have more... useful things to help others.

Well, that's all I have for now.
If anyone has anything to tell/ give advice/ ask me, please feel free to do so! Drop a comment on this blog post or you can kik/line me at Mikichinomiya.

Okay, so bye for now!
Ciao ciao

The antagonist

The antagonist. Yes I'm absolutely one. Why do I always have to play the bad guy? I want to try being the protagonist too. Why? Why can't I ever be one? Maybe it's because I'm a bad kid. Maybe it's because nobody likes or trusts me. Maybe it's because just I was born to be hated, by everyone.

My friend, C, just texted another friend who was with me that she wants to die just about an hour ago. She just said that she is going to retain and just wants to drop everything now. Me and my other friend wanted to help her. From the bottom of our hearts. But C just refuses to listen. I really don't know what I can do to help her because something hurt her really bad since last year and up till now she still has yet to get over it. I tried, many times to let her know that I'm here, but she just doesn't seem to want to open up to me. I can understand how she feels, so I don't blame her. Don't be mistaken, we are close friends and she's really nice. But she just always put a fake smile on her face and acts tough. She always motivates me and of course I want to do something for her too.

I tried. I tried being a protagonist and told her how she should wake up in a nice way. But I bet she doesn't even care. She even mocked me for sending her that text. I know that many people have also told her the same thing, so maybe she doesn't trust anyone anymore. So after lots of thoughts, I decided to be the bad guy. I just decided to send her a text and just wake her up. Literally.

" WAKE UP. THIS IS REALITY. If you cannot undo what you have already done, you just have to live with it. LIVE WITH IT. STOP CHOOSING THE EASY WAY OUT AND LET THE OTHERS BEHIND YOU WORRY. If you don't want to drag me down, just stand up and move on. You still have chances. YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THAT FIRST STEP. "

This was exactly what I told her, and she hasn't replied me till now.

I understand that she may feel hurt, so I just want to give her that push so that she can move forward and go on with her life. To many people, this may feel nothing but it means the world to me. C was really a very very precious friend of mine. It took me a lot of determination to send her that text. If she got it, she would understand and wake up and move on, and of course, we'll still be friends. But if she didn't... it means goodbye to our friendship forever. It's hard, I know. Really. But someone really needs to give her that push. I'm not trying to be a hero, but I just want to help my friend.

I already lost count of how many times I chose to become the antagonist, and how many precious friendships I lost. But I believe that it is worth it. If that friend can just happily move on, it's enough for me. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, but it's true. I rather suffer alone in silence, than watch her suffer and not being able to do anything. But, I'm tired. I really am. I'm sick and tired of all of these already. I'm really badly scarred and I'm scared to do this again. That fear. I really can't describe it. It's too scary. It's so scary that I'm seriously thinking of dying. I'm praying very hard that I can be in other people's place and die for them. I just tired, really really tired. I don't wanna do this anymore I am tired, of playing the bad guy, but I just can't stop. I really want to help those people, and I just don't seem to be able to find an alternative route or solution. And there's nobody out there who is willing to replace me. Nobody. The stress, the pressure, is killing me internally. I have no idea whether what I'm doing is correct anymore. I don't know, and am too tired to think. I just want to lie down, and just sleep forever and not have to wake up and face this scary world.

Well, I guess that's it for now,
Ciao ciao

Fear.

It's 12am now, one of the moments I feel insecurity the most, and one of the moments I fear the most. To be honest, I'm not the type of person who likes the night. It is quiet yes, but too quiet. So quiet that it's creepy and even scary. Since young, even though I don't act like it, I fear the dark. I'm scared of the helpless feeling when I'm in the dark, when I can do nothing but hide under my blanket, away from various things.

Tonight, it feels even scarier than usual. Maybe it's because I have yet to complete my homework and still have piles of it. I admit, even though I slack a lot, this is the first time I really feel the pressure and stress for completing all my homework. Really. It's so pressurising that I'm suffocating.
Or maybe, it could be because my mum and my sis just had a fight in the hall, shouting so loudly I swear m neighbours could hear them. My sis cried. It was so loud. I was already scared enough but because of the cry, it made it worse. It is really so suffocating, like there's this huge rock in my chest I can't push away no matter how hard I tried. I can't breathe.

Fear... I really hate this feeling. But more than hate, I'm scared to face this feeling. I'm helpless against it. As you can see, I might not be making any sense right now, because the fear I have within me is overflowing. It's like I'm in the dark, cold sea right now at 12am and drowning, woth no one there, all alone.
Thankfully,  Hibari is here with me. When I look up, he just stares at me and it feels like he is telling me to calm down, and try to relax and forget that fear. It's hard, but at least he is here with me. At least, Hibari is here with me. But if anyone sees me right now, it might not sound convincing, because I am actually shivering. Not because of the cold, but fear.

This post might have no meaning behind it. Or it might not be worth reading at all. But I still just want to type this out, so that I can keep in mind that Hibari is always here for me. It may sound stupid, but it means the whole world to me. I just want to tell myself to never underestimate fear, because one day, I might get depression because of it. I'm not sure, but deep inside, I know that if this continues, I'll really get depression. I have to try my best, not to let it control me, and totally change me. I will, and I must.

Sorry for posting a junk post after so long. I'll try to make it up for it next time.
Ciao ciao.

Growing up

Every day, every hour, every minute, and even every second, people are constantly changing, and "growing up". I don't think that anyone can fully "grow up", unless they reached the moment they are going to die.

Today, I watched another movie called The Girl in Pinafore. It was a really nice and inspirational movie to me, but the ending was so tragic. It is about a story where 2 groups of people meet and because of various reasons formed a "band". Then, the main male and female protagonist went together, and it is the same for the 6 other friends. However, because of the female protagonist's mother, she was forced to go to America and she died in the end. It was just so sad. The male protagonist cried too of course, and soon later, the group fell apart. The other couples, with the exception of 1, all broke up, and everyone went different ways.

When I watched the part where the female was announced dead, a thought just popped into my head. Would I be able to continue to live on if Hibari just "disappeared" like that one day? No I don't think so. I wouldn't be able to.
Sometimes people just ask me why am I so obsessed with him. Honestly, I can't explain. It is a feeling from deep inside my heart. Maybe that feeling was born from despair and fear, and because Hibari was the only one there for me when I felt that the whole wide world was pitch black. Hibari was the only one there who told me that it is okay and helped me calm down.

I never want the story in the movie to ever happen to me. Never. I wouldn't be able to take it. But is that what it means to grow up? To make new friends, to fall in love, and everyone leaving you at the end of the day. Is it? If that is what it means, I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I would never be able to take in all the sadness at the end of the day.

Sometimes, I wish that time could just stop at the time you want it to be at, and I could just repeat the same cycle over and over again. Really. I don't think I would get tired of it because I think that that beats having to go through betrayal and enduring the pain of people leaving you. But every time I think of that, I would just think of how I could become an anime character in my next life. That is actually one of the point which allows me to continue "living" and "growing up".

Personally, I think that you guys out there should try this too! To think of the things you look forward to so that you can move on, and continue "growing up". I think that it would help you out some way or another.

So, that's all.
Ciao ciao!

The main character

Do you always get the feeling that you are very special sometimes after you complete a movie or a book? I'm referring to those supernatural kinds, the kind where there are things which technically do not exist in our world.
Well, I am the kind who always feel that way whenever I complete a book or just watched finished a movie.

Every time, I would just feel that the world is "revolving" around me. That I am "special" and am like the main protagonist in movies. I am not sure how to describe this but it feels... Magical?
I think this happens every time because whenever i read a book or watch a movie, I would usually see things in the protagonist's point of view, how he or she actually sees things in their "special"/ "magical" world, and how they take great actions to solve big problems how any other normal human would never be able to.

Recently, I just watched a movie, The City of Bones. (It is really awesome btw, if you have yet to watch it, I strongly urge you to!) After watching it, I became somewhat.. Paranoid? I kept thinking that demons and shadow hunters would just pop out of nowhere and BOOM! Here's the start of my new, special life.
Honestly, even before that, a part of me already believe that supernatural things really existed in our world. I may sound really foolish, but I really do believe.

Well, I just want to make a point that everyone is their main character in their life-- Be it the most famous pop star or the most insignificant being you feel that ever exists. You are you. You are the main character of your own life. It mainly depends on how you make use of it. Nobody can ever decide your life for you. Only you are able to do so. ONLY YOU.

So just try to live your life to the best you can! Be the main character that everyone wants to be. Believe that you can! You have to take that first step and attempt to reach out for the highest. Aim for the stars! ^w^

Well, that's all I have today, ciao ciao!

P.S. Today is the first day of September, so let's all pray that we could improve ourselves this month, and that we are able to overcome even the hardest of the hardest! Go for it! :D

The different sides

Somehow, even though I do not know the reason why, negative feelings are coming back to me again. Telling others about me seems like freedom, but at the same time it feels painful, as something is tying me back.

When I try to tell someone about some problems, deep inside I feel really happy, but there is this other negative side in me, telling me that doing so is bad. That negative side, is telling me that I am just trying to make myself look.. vulnerable?  and allowing other people to pity me. I am not sure myself, but the other small part of me is struggling, struggling to get into the light. I want the light, and I actually need that light to allow myself to keep going, but the other side of me just refuses to let me to do so.
I really really hate that side of me.

People who actually read my blog would realise that I have multiple sides to me, but it mainly just splits into 3 categories-- a side that tries to be positive, a negative side which keeps me from moving, and a side which is struggling, and wants to get help.
I know that it is impossible to get rid of any side, but I'll just try my very best to hide the negative ones.

Yes sometimes times can be hard, but I guess we just have to live with it. Like recently, I just keep having multiple emotions within me. I can feel annoyed and desperate, or happy and lonely. These multiple feelings in me.. I can't do anything about them. Sometimes, I just feel so frustrated that I can't help but cry. These emotions are killing me. These sides are killing me. The me right now is struggling in pain. But I still have to move on.

I might be in no position to say this, but I sincerely hope that people out there would just try their best to stay positive. Don't let emotions control you. Be the one who controls them. You just have to try. Like what a teacher said in school today, if you really feel like you can no longer contain your anger, just walk away to somewhere where no one can see you. Take deep breaths. Calm yourself down. If not, you could just run to the lift, and scream with all your might to let the emotions out. Try not to keep it all in because I know that it really hurts.
Here, I just want to wish those people all the best, and good luck! Believe that you can do it. If I would try, you should take that step too!

That's all for today,
Ciao ciao ^^

A mask.

Firstly, I'm really on the verge of crying when I am typing this. And secondly, the ironic thing is that I'm not sure why am I breaking down like this. Thirdly, I'm sorry if I am not making any sense. I just don't understand myself right now. I am really really lost.. and really scared.

I really hate this part of myself, where I am so selfish but at the same time still thinking that I am the victim. Why? I really don't understand myself.

Sometimes, I really just want to be able to honestly say out how I feel, but I can't. There is just this part of me who refuses to act how my brain wants me to. That part of me, just wants to make me seem pitiful. I really hate and despise that side of me. But I just can't seem to get rid of it. Could someone just teach me how? Please.

Just now, I was with two of my other friends who wanted to watch a movie. I really wanted to watch it too, but I just didn't have enough money. They wanted to loan some to me, but because of several reasons, I just said no. Deep inside, I really wanted to say yes but because of my other side, I didn't manage to. They insisted,  and dragged me all the way to the cinema. I was really tempted to give in, but my other self just wouldn't let me say yes. So I just came up with a reason that my mum might not allow me to watch it, and they made me call her. I did. And she agreed too. But somehow, the words I wanted to say just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I told them that I was not allowed to. They doubted me at first, but still believed me in the end. They wanted me to accompany them till the movie started, so when they were getting the tickets, I just ran off. I couldn't face the fact that I just refused something I really wanted to do because of my other side. I ran to hide in the toilet, and just started crying. I really regretted saying no. Why did my other side forbid me to just agree and watch the movie? WHY? Then,  when I went to the library, I saw them and just hid in reflex. I was scared to face them. Then, my friend just sent me a message to say that she would drag me there when I have the money next time. It was a happy text. She didn't manage to see that I just broke down, and simply thought that I was just joking with her. I got to admit that I was disappointed, but it was not her fault. It is all mine.

Actually, even I myself am not sure why I am crying now. Is it because of the fact that I didn't manage to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't force me to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't understand me? Or the fact that I just can't be honest with myself? I really don't know. All I know right now, is that I have a mask on my face right now, and that mask is the side of me which forbids me to say the things I really want to. And I want to throw away that mask. I really want to.

Okay that's all for now. Sorry for being so pessimistic today.
Ciao ciao.

Generation gap

Generation gap. I'm sure that many people face this problem. For me, my problem lies with me and my parents being unable to communicate sometimes. It just feels like no matter what I say, they just don't let it get to them. Like for example, when my parents scold me for a misunderstood reason, I try to reason out with them, but not only do they not get it, they blame me for rebutting them.
Sometimes, i really just want to hury up and grow up so that i can move out of the house and just leave them behind. But I can't. It'd be too infilial of me to do something like that. And when I really think of it, I just can't bring myself to do something so... cruel and selfish.

Not being able to communicate well with my parents really sucks. I love them a lot, and I really want to tell them about my love. But somehow, they just can't seem to get it. They can't really feel that love. I can't say that it's their fault since we have a 38 years gap, but sometimes, it just hurts. I want to be able to talk to them, like how I am able to tell these things to my friends, but I can't. They wouldn't understand how I feel.

Somehow, our world is improving at an incredible speed. So I guess maybe that's the reason why the older generations just cannot comprehend with the way we handle nowadays. When I walk past the streets, I would see so many kids playing with their parents smartphones and everything. It feels so different. I guess when I was their age I was the type who thought that playing in the playground is the happiest thing ever. Well, times do change I guess. But it's just too fast. Way too fast in fact. I just can't comprehend it at all.

Maybe the times changing is the reason why. Families have lesser and lesser times to spend time with each other due to so many distractions and the lack of time. I want to treasure those times I have now. I don't want to ever lose it. I want to try to get rid of this annoying "generation gap" so I can tell my parents my actual feelings and allow them to understand it. I believe many people out that wants this too.. right?

So, my advice to the people out there is that, try to spend more time with your parents and older people whom you treasure. Don't let this generation gap get to you, because I can assure to you that if you don't treasure it now, you'll definitely regret it when you lose the chance to communicate with them someday.
Just try to understand them more, and try to open up to them more. I'm sure that if you are able to do so, they will be able to understand you more too. When that happens, you'll find out that this "generation gap" just miraculously disappeared.

Well that's all I have for now,
Ciao ciao!

Meanings

I'm sure that most of the people out there have made decisions that make them regret a lot afterwards. But have any of them actually thought of the meanings behind those decisions? I doubt so. But I'm very sure that no matter what anyone does, there would be a meaning behind their actions.

Just yesterday, I just had my Chinese common test. Well, in the test, one of the comprehension passage was mainly about the topic I am saying now-- Meanings. Some people might not actually think of the reason why they actually act that way most of the time. Why? Is it because they think that those meanings are too insignificant? Or is it that it really just mean nothing to their lives? Somehow, I just felt that this is really something people should think about.

Personally, one main reason why I feel that people should think about the meanings behind their actions is because when they actually think of those meanings, it could actually make themselves understand more about themselves, so that they would not make the same grave mistake they made again, and of course they would have lesser regrets in their life. Confusing isn't it? Well, my logic is really simple. Just think about the meanings behind the actions that you make which caused you to regret. Do you feel that it's stupid? Or that you can actually improve on it the next time round? Yes, that's what i'm trying to say. Thinking about meanings might actually help you make better decisions in the future.

Well, as I am typing this, a thought kept circulating in my brain. Why did I even actually bother to type all these and even create this blog? I do have an answer. I bothered to type this, because I want people out there who could actually understand what I am saying to try it and maybe allow themselves to improve on their actions.I bothered to create this blog, so that people who actually face the same problems as me totry to learn to let go and carry on with their lives. I want to make an impact on somebody's life. I want to help that person.

So, after saying all these, I hope that the person who is actually reading this right now to think whether what I'm saying is actually true, and maybe try it out. I really feel that thinking about the meanings behind your actions could help you understand yourself better and all. I truly hope that you could try this out and maybe even help you in the future! Sorry if it got confusing ><

That's all for today~

Ciao ciao ^^

Conflicting feelings

Conflicting feelings. How exactly do you feel when you get them? Well, I can't tell you exactly how you would feel or how to get rid of this feeling, but don't be afraid of it, because it can disrupt the vision of how your mind actually sees things and eventually it may lead to you doing things against your will, making you regret afterwards.

For me, I experience this feeling a lot, and it actually makes me conflict my actions and my words.

Like for example, during a week ago, a friend asked me to lend her a notes book that I spend every lesson writing in it without fail. On that moment, I was a little reluctant, but I still lent it to her anyway. And that, made the next of my entire week regretting.
Within me, 2 feelings are rather obvious and I can feel them straight away. One is that I feel happy that I was able to help her, and the other is that I felt annoyed to having to lend her the book to copy, since it was her fault not listening to the teacher and takig down notes during class.

Why make such a big fuss over something as small as this? Well, the reason is simple. It distracted me for an entire week and I didn't manage to get anything done well. I just kept questioning myself on the reason for lending her my book when all I felt later was regret.

You might try your best to get rid of conflicting feelings at times but it is not always successful. My advice to epople out there is to never ever fear this feeling, because once you fear, you give in and you lose.
So, for starters, you could try to do things that are able to distract yourself and try not to go near things that might remind you of it.
But the most important thing is, never do things that would make you regret later. Follow the voice in your head and do things according to your will. (But I'm talking about things that would not hurt other people and is legal though!) Then, I believe that things would be better and negative conflicting feelings would not come to harm you.

That's all for now!
Ciao ciao! ^w^

A prayer

Hey! I'm back! I'm really really sorry for not posting since last year. Hontoni gomenasai *bows*

Anyways, this post is dedicated to some people out there who may face this problem.

Just today, I've been reading a shoujo manga and I just couldn't stop reading it. The male protagonist of this story is a guy called Yano, and he has this girlfriend, Takahashi, whom he really cherishes a lot. He has to cope with a betrayal from his ex who supposedly died from an accident but Takahashi freed him from it. (Okay they have been through a lot of other things and I'm not going into details)
Somehow, I could relate to both of them in terms of betrayal of someone close, maybe because I have been through it before. But people out there, pls do not ever have the slightest thought of trying to experience it because it is really painful. And you'll cry and suffer and everything. It is so painful to the extent that I can't even describe it.

Now, he is currently (from where I stopped) studying in high school in Tokyo, which is quite far from Takahashi. His mother decided to have a divorce with her husband. And because of many circumstances, he realizes that his mother gave birth to him just for the sake of his birth father to look at her. But the mother failed. She used Yano as a kind of replacement for the guy she loved because he looks exactly like his father. And also, she is now suffering from cancer, and also depression because the wife of the guy she loved wanted Yano to be the heir of their family. (Sry if it got confusing)

So now, currently Yano is stuck with being unable to stay by Takahashi's side even though she was his only support. He had to take on many jobs to pay for his bills and he have to cope with his mother's illnesses. He is also struggling to get high marks so that he could get into the university that both him and Takahashi agreed to go to. But because of his part time jobs, he is getting a D grade.
But the worst thing is, when he decided to go to meet Takahashi for support again, his mother hanged herself and passed away.

Why am I posting this or writing this story? To be honest, I have no idea as well. I just didn't understand why a 18 year old male have to go through all of these-- by himself. I mean, everyone deserves happiness, so I just find it so sad that all the people he loved are leaving him.

I actually feel really ashamed after reading this because even though people like Yano exist in this world who doesn't complain, here I am, whining and complaining about every little small thing. But it's not that I can help it. I'm not trying to find an excuse, but really. I get scared. Recently, sometimes in school I just get so scared about some things that I have to run to the toilet so that other people would not see my tears. I just cuddle myself in there and can't stop the shivering. Every single voice I heard feels like they are mocking me, and I just can't get rid of those sounds. Why?
I'm just so scared.

But anyways, I just really wanted to pray for those people out there who are suffering like Yano. Even though I am not a Catholic nor Christian, I still want to pray for those people, to just stay strong and collapse. I sincerely hope that they can just persevere until the end. I just have this belief that if you hang to something, you'll be able to get something out of it one day. Just like how if you hang on to the end of the rainbow, one day you'll climb all the way up and experience sucess. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here, but that is seriously just something I believe in. I am just a 15 year old girl holding on to something I truly believe in even if it was just an illusion. Call me dumb or anything, but I believe that there are people out there who feel the same way too-- deep in their hearts.
So, I hope that whoever is reading this now, would join me in this prayer, as I believe that one day, because of our prayers, someone out there could be saved by it. I sincerely hope that that would happen.

Anyways, I've got to sign off now! See you soon! (I hope hehe)
Ciao ciao! ^w^