Firstly, I'm really on the verge of crying when I am typing this. And secondly, the ironic thing is that I'm not sure why am I breaking down like this. Thirdly, I'm sorry if I am not making any sense. I just don't understand myself right now. I am really really lost.. and really scared.
I really hate this part of myself, where I am so selfish but at the same time still thinking that I am the victim. Why? I really don't understand myself.
Sometimes, I really just want to be able to honestly say out how I feel, but I can't. There is just this part of me who refuses to act how my brain wants me to. That part of me, just wants to make me seem pitiful. I really hate and despise that side of me. But I just can't seem to get rid of it. Could someone just teach me how? Please.
Just now, I was with two of my other friends who wanted to watch a movie. I really wanted to watch it too, but I just didn't have enough money. They wanted to loan some to me, but because of several reasons, I just said no. Deep inside, I really wanted to say yes but because of my other side, I didn't manage to. They insisted, and dragged me all the way to the cinema. I was really tempted to give in, but my other self just wouldn't let me say yes. So I just came up with a reason that my mum might not allow me to watch it, and they made me call her. I did. And she agreed too. But somehow, the words I wanted to say just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I told them that I was not allowed to. They doubted me at first, but still believed me in the end. They wanted me to accompany them till the movie started, so when they were getting the tickets, I just ran off. I couldn't face the fact that I just refused something I really wanted to do because of my other side. I ran to hide in the toilet, and just started crying. I really regretted saying no. Why did my other side forbid me to just agree and watch the movie? WHY? Then, when I went to the library, I saw them and just hid in reflex. I was scared to face them. Then, my friend just sent me a message to say that she would drag me there when I have the money next time. It was a happy text. She didn't manage to see that I just broke down, and simply thought that I was just joking with her. I got to admit that I was disappointed, but it was not her fault. It is all mine.
Actually, even I myself am not sure why I am crying now. Is it because of the fact that I didn't manage to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't force me to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't understand me? Or the fact that I just can't be honest with myself? I really don't know. All I know right now, is that I have a mask on my face right now, and that mask is the side of me which forbids me to say the things I really want to. And I want to throw away that mask. I really want to.
Okay that's all for now. Sorry for being so pessimistic today.
Ciao ciao.
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