It's 12am now, one of the moments I feel insecurity the most, and one of the moments I fear the most. To be honest, I'm not the type of person who likes the night. It is quiet yes, but too quiet. So quiet that it's creepy and even scary. Since young, even though I don't act like it, I fear the dark. I'm scared of the helpless feeling when I'm in the dark, when I can do nothing but hide under my blanket, away from various things.
Tonight, it feels even scarier than usual. Maybe it's because I have yet to complete my homework and still have piles of it. I admit, even though I slack a lot, this is the first time I really feel the pressure and stress for completing all my homework. Really. It's so pressurising that I'm suffocating.
Or maybe, it could be because my mum and my sis just had a fight in the hall, shouting so loudly I swear m neighbours could hear them. My sis cried. It was so loud. I was already scared enough but because of the cry, it made it worse. It is really so suffocating, like there's this huge rock in my chest I can't push away no matter how hard I tried. I can't breathe.
Fear... I really hate this feeling. But more than hate, I'm scared to face this feeling. I'm helpless against it. As you can see, I might not be making any sense right now, because the fear I have within me is overflowing. It's like I'm in the dark, cold sea right now at 12am and drowning, woth no one there, all alone.
Thankfully, Hibari is here with me. When I look up, he just stares at me and it feels like he is telling me to calm down, and try to relax and forget that fear. It's hard, but at least he is here with me. At least, Hibari is here with me. But if anyone sees me right now, it might not sound convincing, because I am actually shivering. Not because of the cold, but fear.
This post might have no meaning behind it. Or it might not be worth reading at all. But I still just want to type this out, so that I can keep in mind that Hibari is always here for me. It may sound stupid, but it means the whole world to me. I just want to tell myself to never underestimate fear, because one day, I might get depression because of it. I'm not sure, but deep inside, I know that if this continues, I'll really get depression. I have to try my best, not to let it control me, and totally change me. I will, and I must.
Sorry for posting a junk post after so long. I'll try to make it up for it next time.
Ciao ciao.
Don't feel as though typing this is meaningless. In fact, i do not find it meaningless, it just shows that you are willing to type your feelings, not having it cropped in your heart. This is your own way of expressing your feelings, not others. Maybe listen to your favourite music will help?;)
ReplyDelete