Reality.

I guess around three months have passed again.
Honestly, I don't particularly like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems that I can't seem to type things immediately after something happens. Once again, many things have happened and before I leave anything out, I decided to type it all out now. I don't want to lose a place where I think I can belong - even if it's just for a short while - anymore.

One of the biggest things that happened within these three months was something that have hit me real real real hard.
Just a few days - just two days in fact - before my Os, Rick passed away.

Just like that.

The things which I thought usually happened only in television dramas actually took place right smack in my face. When I heard the news, I was first dumbstruck and wasn't able to believe it at all. But when all the instagram posts of wishing her all the best in her next journey came, reality really struck me.

Tears wouldn't stop flowing, and I just cried and cried and cried.

I just couldn't believe that she left. Just like that. She was someone who is always so positive; someone who always brought smiles to everyone's faces. Despite the many things that happened between us, she didn't treat me as if I were invisible. She still tried to reduce the awkwardness between us whenever we met on school corridors or at the canteen. Like what everyone else says, she was definitely guaranteed a spot in the best schools with her brains and grades in school, and she definitely deserved much more.

But she just left us.

Everyone cried really hard. Especially the thirteen people in clique. And this was especially bad because it was just a few days before our major exams, and after seeing her laying beautifully in her coffin, I (and I believe everyone else too), was unable to forget that picture.

It was just simply too depressing.

I thought that after 2 years, I would have long forgotten how it feels like to have a friend like her, but no. I still miss her so much. And yes, this particular incident just stirred up everything within me. It honestly made me realize just how fragile life is. I thought that losing her as a close friend was already bad enough. But only when she passed away, that I realized that never being able to see this friend anymore hurts much much more.

Everything is just simply so warped that it is so scary, so disgusting, so empty.

I just couldn't seem to stop asking why it wasn't me who went instead of her.

"Why choose someone who is so wanted here instead of someone who is wanted to disappear?"

And honestly after that, I just couldn't, and didn't want to give anything a damn anymore. I know that Os is important, and if I didn't put in all the effort I have, my future could be destroyed, but screw that, I don't want to study. It's definitely not Rick's fault for my thinking after that, really, but it's just that I so tired, so lazy, that I just couldn't care less. I know that deep inside, I still care, but whatever, I can't see my future anyway.

Somehow, it really seemed as if the Gods up there are joking with me or just punishing me for everything that I did because just after I decided to pass a birthday gift to Kaye, and we started to text a little, and after I got over all those precious messages which got deleted after my phone broke down again, this happened.

It really is as if I can't ever experience being normal again.

"But what exactly is being normal?" is a question I would ask myself while laughing every once in a while. What a joke.

Then, after I thought that I could possibly recover from this - even if it's just a little - my friendship with IA cracked and broke down. Everything just couldn't work out anymore. Despite me being the one who initialed it, and me telling myself that I would never regret this decision, it still kinda stings. Even though IA did annoy and piss me off at times, I won't deny that she has also brought me a lot of laughter with all her "crazy" antics. We were very different in terms of almost everything, but despite that, we were still very close and could joke around with so many things.

Sometimes, I really wished that time could rewind till the time when something started going wrong so we could fix it and everything would have it's perfect ending, but sometimes I don't. I'm just so conflicted that at times, I really wished that I could lose all my memories and forget about every single thing.

The fears, the pain, the emptiness within. I wished that I could just forget them all.

When I was at Taiwan during the eleven weeks from around two weeks ago, I was constantly reminded of really painful things. The feeling of being able to be in a place where I wouldn't know anyone and with nobody to recognize me, it just felt so surreal, so fake, that I just keep having the feeling that it was all a fantasy and I kept wanting to get back to Singapore - the place with all the reality in place - immediately. It's just so painful to know that I can't even feel at ease even in a place which should originally keep me happy anymore.

I hate reality, really, but without it, I can hardly breathe anymore.

I honestly just don't know what is it exactly that I want anymore.

Throughout this month after my Os, almost everyday is tiring. The life which I always earned for when I still had to go to school is just so different from the live I am living now. I just feel like I'm floating aimlessly with all these emptiness in a filthy land, unable to see; unable to hear; unable to feel. It really feels worse than living in hell somehow, though I know that hell is so scary that I might cry myself awake if I ever dream of me being in one.

I thought that not being able to see anybody would truly be a blessing for me, but honestly, it is really times like these that I just feel so painfully alone even though I know that anime is here for me.

This was also when I realized how nice it would be to be able to be immune to loneliness, and how terribly painful and sad to not being able to feel anything.
Is this how Hibari has been feeling all these while, that he just hates the idea of people crowding in front of him in KHR?

Somehow, it is as if I can understand how he feels now. Like him perhaps, I'm just so sick and tired of the fake covers beneath everybody and the disgusting smiles each of them has that I can't even feel any presence of warmth even when I with people. With friends, I just felt even more alone knowing that all of them are fake. Even the ones whom I thought who wouldn't betray my feelings would still go ahead and stab me in the back one day, so is there any point at all?

This reality of the world is so disgusting that I feel nauseous whenever I think of it.

And this just truly makes me feel so dark in the inside.

Like yesterday, some people just always remind me of how ugly I truly am. I know that it's disgusting to want to look nice and be acknowledged just to make myself feel better, but when a lady asked my friend if she was interested in being a model when I'm beside her and gave me an apologetic look for not asking me, and a guy which confessed to my other friend in my presence and looked at me awkwardly because she looked prettier than me, I just felt so ugly and grossed about myself.

I truly am ugly both on the inside and outside huh.

"You're digusting!"
"Just disappear!"
"Vanish, you freak!"

These were words that the inner me told myself yesterday after the latter incident (where my friend got confessed to), when I was at the bottom of my block. When I just have to know of this reality, I just kept screaming inside my head to make the voices get out. It was really so painful that I just couldn't stop shaking even when I hugged and buried my head in my knees. Tears just kept flowing and I cried and cried and cried.

I never knew that I was such a crybaby who cried over every single thing.

I just really hate everything about everything, and anything about anything.

I just don't know what I should even do anymore.

Well, sorry for ending off in such a depressing note after so long, but I honestly couldn't care less anymore.

That's all I have for now,
Ciao Ciao

Depression

So... I'm back. I know that it's been months since I last typed something here, but well, here I am again. So many things happened during these short two months but I just can't seem to put them all in words. As of now, sadly, emotional problems and studies are still two huge blocks blocking me away from everything else.

Firstly, emotional problems.

Yes, I know I've constantly repeated similar emotional problems from time to time, but it's somehow, I just can't seem to understand why I can't use the same feelings to face these issues over and over again. Every time I face something new, the impact is always twice as hard as the previous ones. And during the start of last month, I broke down in front of my parents again, despite desperately trying so hard not to. My mum and dad got so worried that they got me to see a counselor. 

But seeing the counselor only made things worse.

During the midst of the counselling session, I told the counselor quite a bit of things because I wanted to trust her, and I genuinely wanted to take a huge step so that I could move towards being normal again. But somehow, at some parts, I just can't control myself and lied about a few things. As of now, I honestly couldn't remember much of what we said during the counselling session, but towards the end, she came to the conclusion that I was suffering from depression. To many others, they may feel that I'm still the "happy, kind and responsible" classmate and never believe me if I ever were to tell them that I suffered from depression, but there was one thing that my friend (someone I could confide to) told me. She told me that depression is something that only the sufferer can feel and be affected by, and only the sufferers themselves can see the sufferings and chose to hide them so that others would not worry. It's true. I'm sure that many people in the world out there are suffering from depression, but because they chose to hide them to prevent others from worrying,they end up hurting themselves a lot more. I'm not trying to make myself look better, but this is a fact.

Before me and my counselor ended the session, she actually recommended me to visit a psychiatrist to get myself a cure and some anti-depression pills. But I rejected her offer. After the whole counselling session, one thing that became very very clear to me was the fact that counselling sessions just never help me at all. Three years ago, when I visited my school counselor as recommended by my friend, the counselor just went on telling me what I should do before properly listening to what I had to say. She didn't bother standing in my position at all. And throughout, I had to smile to her, acting like she was actually giving a huge help when all she did was blabber about her so called "facts". It was actually very suffocating and painful in the inside to endure all of these.

One main thing that I could remember from the counselling session in the beginning of last month was one sentence that she said before sending me away.

"It's not your fault." 

After she said this, the me inside just collapsed. As my parents were waiting for me outside to go home after she spoke to them about me, the first thing I did was to request of them to allow me to walk home alone. But they didn't allow it because it was already late at night. Because of that, I lost my last chance to cry like how I always did. 

Now, no matter how painful I was or how suffocating I felt, I couldn't cry anymore.

Because she told me that it's not my fault, that I'm not the evil person that I was like how I thought I was, I lost the barrier within me that another me was created to protect myself. I know that it is really ironic of how a me who always make me think that I'm bad helped me, but that person, was the reason how I could cry whenever I wanted to. Because she kept telling me about how bad I was, I was able to blame myself whenever I did something wrong, and cry out all the guilt I had within me and made myself feel better. But now that the barrier was gone, I couldn't make this brain of mine think that I'm at fault despite being so crooked and horrible and allow myself to cry like how I used to do it. Even if I cried now, the tears that flow doesn't east my pain one bit. It just made me hurt even more.

This hurts so so much, that I've already planned of my suicide.

I know that its stupid to end my life just like that, and I would definitely hurt my parents who love me so much, but I really can't seem a point in living anymore. All I can see is the pain and sufferings people around me feels, and how dark the world actually is. I wouldn't die yet, not now, but I really don't know when that rubber band would snap and then, it's goodbye.

During 29 August, when the level of our school visited NUS to see how life is like in a university, it kind of thoroughly destroyed my friendship with IA. During the trip, IA was constantly being dragged away by another friend forcefully. This really made me think of one thing, and that is that I really really do fail as a friend. 

"People are coming to me because of her, or leaving me because of her."

Whenever I make a new friend, despite becoming really close, IA would "steal the spotlight" away from me whenever she comes near me and starts the conversation with that friend and they would be even closer together than I was to that new friend. It was somehow as if I was a matchmaker for IA to spread her circle of friends. I know that this most probably isn't the case, but somehow, I'm really starting to feel that I kind of "lost my value" as a close friend to IA because I've stopped finding new friends and establishing new friendships, and this is indirectly causing IA to stop making as many new friends as in the past. I know that I'm really bad for looking at things this way, but sometimes, I really just can't help it.

Now, whenever I see her with that other friend that she is close with, I don't feel anything anymore. In the past, whenever I see my close friend being that close to someone else, there would be this possessive feeling and I would feel really annoyed that my friend is being so close to someone else and not to me. I would always get this "jealousy" feeling. But now, I really don't feel anything anymore. This feeling is so bad that it's making me think that it's okay even if I lose this friendship. IA keeps telling me that she treasures me more than how she treats other friends, and yes, I can see that sometimes, but for the me now, I don't feel anything anymore. I do feel happy when she told me that I'm perhaps the closest friend that she has made in her secondary school life or life (idk) but I really can't feel anything more than that. And really, to me, this is the worst point a friendship can actually go because when one party feels this way, it's game over. 

No matter how hard the other party tries, nothing can save this friendship anymore. 

I really didn't expect that other friend to affect our friendship this much, but really, things just somehow became this way and we can't go back to how things were before anymore. I don't want IA to put in so much into this friendship solely because it'd be unfair to her, but really, despite saying that things would definitely get better after O Levels, I really don't think that that would happen anymore. Maybe if it were a week before, yes, but now, this feeling of nothing at all just makes me feel like things won't ever become better anymore. And somehow, despite feeling sad and disappointed, I feel kind of... glad because this means that our sufferings would officially come to an end and she can move on to the next chapter of her life. That would be better for her.. right?

Well, leaving other things aside, I think that's pretty much all for now, excluding the studies part which I unfortunately am too lazy to continue typing.

Till next time,

Ciao ciao

Stuck in between

So it's July now. I know that it's been months since I last posted. Part of the reason is just that I'm too lazy, but other than that, I just had no time. No time to read, no time to watch animes, no time to sleep, but plenty of time to think about stuff and cry about it. So apparently I do have a lot of free time, but I just can't see it.

Nowadays, I'm starting to become like a friend who I always complain about- someone who often says that they have too many things to do and kept reassuring others that they had tried their best to complete things on their to do list but gets nothing done. Yes, someone who is that disgusting and detestable. I honestly feel that I'm turning into someone like that, and despite trying my upmost best to change it, I have great difficulty in doing so.

Somehow, the hardworking, pure and good girl is drifting further and further away from me. I keep trying to reach out to her, but I can't. She's sprinting, while I'm crawling.

It's July now, and I only have 2-3 weeks before my prelims and approximately 3 months before my major exams which is going to determine my life. Yet, I'm not doing anything about it. Not even the most basic homework. I am panicking, panicking that I cannot get into a good JC or I somehow end up in ITE. I'm scared, but I'm not doing anything.

Nothing.

More than anything, I'm even more terrified at the fact that I'm not trying to do anything. It's as if I'm trying to destroy my own future with my own hands. Perhaps I'm already doing so now because...

I can't see a future.

Instead of studying, revising or completing my homework, nowadays the same thought just keeps popping into my head.

"I can see her."

Yes. To start it off, I'm going to begin by introducing someone who I'll call "Light". Light is someone who is close to me, but she's not exactly like the type of friend which is the closest to me in school. We are the type of friends who converse through letters and understands each other below the surface. Yes. Below the suface. I treasure this friend a lot because she can always (Well most of the time) tell when I'm going through a bad time. Even though she doesn't say it out loud, she passes little post it notes to me to ask if I'm okay. These small gestures mean a lot to me and I always, deep in my heart, treasure and am thankful for her presence. A lot. However, recently, I'm starting to get stuck in my own world and looking at her in another way, and I hate that part of myself so so much.

If you are someone who just started reading this, you may just be seeing me as some emo, lame girl who always overthinks things. But as for those people out there who may perhaps have started reading my blog posts since 2 years ago, yes, this is a blog created just for me to express and vent out some of my buried emotions from deep within. As some of you reading this may know, this blog was also created to allow me to record down my memories and feelings about a close friend which I once had, and now (and from here onwards) , I'm just going to call that person "Kaye". Don't ask me why, but perhaps one day I'll blog about it somewhere else. But it doesn't really have a deep meaning to it. It's just a name.
And also, there is another person I would like to give a permanent nickname today as well. As I may have stated before, or if I did not, this person is someone who is very close to me right now, and yet, ironically, this person is the person who caused me to be who I am today, the person who ruined my friendship with Kaye, the person ruined the me in the inside.
But don't get me wrong, for people who are quite judgemental, I don't hate or blame her for everything because from the beginning till the end, I just think that most of it all is my fault.
And I'll call this person IA. (Btw, this person has got absolutely nothing to do with the japanese singer or anything)

Anyways, this may start getting a little, or maybe a lot, confusing because of all the names and details. If you are reading up till here now, you can choose to close this blog post and carry on with something else, or you can continue reading on. However, if you don't get what I'm trying to say at the end if the day, I can only apologise for wasting your time in reading this.

☆ ☆ ☆

For clarity purposes:
(This is how I'm trying to portray what I'm thinking now. If you want another picture, please look at the picture I have attached as well cuz it might be clearer.)

→ Me now - Kaye from 2 years ago
→ IA now- Me from 2 years ago
→ Light now- IA from 2 years ago

And these 4 people are the other people whom I am/was close with now/in the past:

* The two people whom I'm close to 2 years ago apart from Kaye : Ice and Rick

* The two people whom I'm close to now apart from IA : Park and Elex

→ Elex- somewhat similar to Ice
→ Park- somewhat similar to Rick

☆ ☆ ☆

I'm not kidding when I said that this was going to be confusing but yes, this is pretty much it now. Nowadays, whenever I see Light togther with IA, I see the me and IA together from the past. And looking from Kaye's point of view, it hurts. A lot. I could somewhat feel the pain Kaye might have went through 2 years ago, and I feel really bad to her.
Also, whenever I see Light getting close to Park and Elex, I just feel this clench in my heart. It was just like 2 years ago. When the me from 2 years ago thought that Kaye just wanted to find new friends because she was tired of me, not only did I not try to do something about it, I even thought that she abandoned me.
But now when I see it, it doesn't seem to be the case. Back then, I was already starting to get really close with IA and I was the one who was subconsciously pushing her away. I never realized that she was all alone. She was forced to group with the other 3 people within our big clique of 8. I'm not very confirmed that she might have felt that way, but when I look through the pictures in facebook of our times together just recently, I realised that ever since IA and I got closer, me and Kaye were drifting further and further apart. I always thought that me and Kaye were the closest despite being in different "groups" until the time when we fought near the end of 2012. I always thought that that was the case.

However, all of that seems so blurry now it feels as if it never happened ever since IA entered our lives. (Me, Kaye, Ice and Rick were in a clique in 2011 till August, and then, our clique became a group of 8, and finally abt 8-9 when IA joined us towards the end of 2011)

Now, whenever I see Light together with IA, Elex and Park, I feel like Kaye somehow from 2 years ago. Even though the part abt Kaye feeling that way might all be how I feel and not necessarily the truth, I still feel bad, guilty, stressed and tired. I'm tired of this stupid side of me. I keep telling myself that yes, Light is our close friend and can be part of our group if she wanted to, another part of me is just crying somewhere in a corner.

"Once she's in, I'll be out."

This is how I keep looking at this whole incident nowadays, and I really hate myself for looking at it that way. I really treasure Light, a lot. And I feel especially guilty because I was the one who welcomed her to join our group. But now, I want it to stay it the way it is, yet I don't want it to stay it this way. I really feel so conflicted and stuck in between absolute nothing.

Lost.
Alone.
Helpless.
Suffocated.

These are the 4 words which I feel most of the time and am feeling currently, but I just can't seem to find a word for it. I truly wonder if there even is such a word which existed. Perhaps there is, perhaps not.

Just yesterday, I tried to ask my mom in a roundabout way if she'll allow me to stay at home and not to school if I really really don't want to, or if I was getting quite close to having a depression. Without forcing me to say anything further, she said that she would, and she even told me to calm myself down and try not to think so much and stay at home if I needed to. At that moment, I felt so bad, so guilty. My mother seldom forces me to say anything that I really don't want to, as if she understands everything even though she barely knew a quarter of it all. I really want to say everything deep inside me to her, but I just can't do it.

I'll break if I did.

Despite many people constantly telling me that I would definitely feel better if I said everything deep within me out to someone, I just can't bring myself to do it. It is not that I have very low self-esteem or that I just want to hide something to make myself look like I have some depth within me, it is just as if there is a part of the real "me" telling me that I cannot do it. It's as if the real "me" is pulling me back from something, and I can't describe how that "something" would affect me. When I'm saying this, I feel so fake and hypocritical. I feel like I'm just trying to make others pity me. I really hate this feeling, but I just don't know how to get rid of it.

During this 3-4 days, I keep seeing, hearing and feeling Hibari's presence around me. Not just him, but there is also someone else. Someone whom I know deep down that would never hurt me, someone who can sense it when I'm not in the right condition and would hug me, pat me on my back gently, telling me that everything is okay, that I'm not alone. I know that all these traits sounds like it belongs to a person from a fairytale, someone who would never exist, but I just can't help but keep feeling this way recently. I do know that I'm just thinking too much, as if I'm in my own imaginary world, just creating a character who would never exist to make myself feel better, but I just keep feeling this sense of reality.

Can I not differentiate the difference between dreams and reality anymore?

I'm just so so scared.

What if I start to confuse and mix everything together? How would I be able to see what is real and what is not? I really feel so lost and alone.

Well, I guess that I have been typing for way too long today. My fingers just can't seem to stop typing on. I know that I would have some mistakes or typos or many areas that don't make sense, but I'm too lazy and tired to read through and change those errors. I guess I should really stop here.

Till next time,
Ciao ciao

Not me.

2014. O level year. Yes, as compared to 2010 when I had my PSLE, things are really different this year. Different.
The stress;
The pressure;
The worrisome things;
There's just so much to be scared and worried about. The ironic thing is, I'm not even doing anything this year despite feeling so stressed. I'm so stressed because of the fact that I'm not doing anything despite knowing that this year is an important year. Nothing at all. And to top it off, I'm being more emo than ever this year.
Realizing so many new things, uncovering so many masks, having to cover up all of these feelings, pretending that nothing is happening and forcing myself to smile- it's all so so tiring.

Sometimes, I really can't help but wonder why and how others could be so fake. Smiling right in front of you for one minute and criticizing you behind you the very next second. It really creeps me out and I feel so so disgusted. Then when they come over to talk to me afterward, or even touch me, it would feel as if someone poured slim all over me. It feels that disgusting sometimes.
And the ironic thing is that only my closest friends are able to make me feel that way. So when I try to avoid them, they would think that I'm being emo, or being petty over nothing at all. However, I don't try to clear up all of those misunderstandings at all. Honestly, I don't see a point. Nowadays, I could see the reason why Hibari avoids people all the time. That disgusting feeling is precisely the thing. And somehow, despite not being able to tolerate loneliness the most, I'm starting to "enjoy" this feeling. Just sitting aside, quietly listening to ypur own music, not having to bother about all those gossips going round about you-- It really feels very.. peaceful.

I have many many friends, but only a few are close to me. And among these close few, I could only talk to one of them about some of my problems. Nowadays, I really don't see a point in trying to "suck up" or even being nice or anything to these "close friends" anymore.
Truthfully speaking, I'm not who I am on the outside at all.

Not one bit.

To other people, I'm the type of "nice girl" who will always be there for them and the type of person they would feel that it's okay to throw me aside whenever they feel like it because when they need me again, I'll still be there. That's how my close friends have been using me, well some of them.

To my friends, I'm someone who would not be one bit bothered when they say something like "you look like you're xx kg honestly" when I'm trying to cheer them up about their weight.

To my close friends, I'm someone who is free any time and someone whom they could call and fix a date but then change it last minute because they don't want to, or already fixed a date with another person.

To them, I'm someone who they think that "hey, she's not as important as xxx and we could just ditch her, and even if she gets angry it's totally okay".

I'm totally not okay at all. To them, they feel that it is funny to do these things to me, or that I'm someone who is very strong and can take whatever they say or do. Even if my friends know that I'm sensitive, they would just care for me for a short period of time and then pretend not to notice that I'm drowning there. Yes, I do admit that I do not admit that I'm feeling sad or suffocating at times, and tell them that I'm okay, I just feel so disappointed when they say "ohh is that so, okay then".

I want friends who can just keep quiet and stay with me, or even give me a hug when they think that I'm not okay. Is that too demanding? I don't need them to give me any advice; I just want them to stay with me. Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes, I'm just so so so envious of my younger sister. She has a clique, a clique who would do everything with her, be it watch movies or going shopping- They do everything for each other. I want a clique like that too. But I don't. Although my clique discusses big plans all the time and all, we never did anything that fun together at all. Only once. And one of them had to leave halfway too. I know that they want to save money, but do they really have to go to that extent? They keep using excuses like "let's do that after our Os" or "sorry I need to study". All I want is for us to have fun together once in a while. I'm not asking them to do that every day. Just perhaps, once a month? Like all of us going out and have a meal and maybe catch a movie or do some window-shopping. Is it really too much? It may not matter that much to them, but it means a whole lot to me.

I hate it, but it is still a fact. I am sensitive. To top it off, I'm very very observant as well. So when I see and hear these sort of excuses, it is double the pain. I really tried to find someone to ease these feelings of mine and give me advice and all, like finding a counselor, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It is as if I'll be pulled apart by invisible threads and I'll even lose the cover protecting me. So is having a long period of suffering better, or having someone pull your only protection to help you with the possibility that that person might destroy you in the end better? I really don't know what to chose. The debate has been going on for ages, but there's just.. no answer.

Just yesterday, I made a promise with Hibari. I had a talk with him and I broke down, placed a strong front, gained courage and found out new routes. So many things from just one short 10 minutes talk. I promised Hibari, that I'll try to be stronger and just forget the people who I don't think are worth it. Even close friends.

Determination. That's one new value I need to learn and act upon. I made a promise, and I'm not intending to brush it aside, or even pretend it never existed. Hibari, I promise.

Okay honestly before I end off, I have no idea what title I should name this blog post. I was just typing whatever I've been hiding inside and all, so I really have no idea what to name it. So because I've talked about how other people judges me or assumes who I am, maybe I should just name this blog post "Not me". I know it's kind of weird, but I ran out of titles for it so just... bear with it. (I don't know what to say, really)

So, I guess that's it for now!
Ciao ciao!

Traces

Why do people leave traces behind?
Is it because they wanted to be remembered? Or because they wanted to be credited? Or is it just simply the fact that they did it unknowingly, on instinct?
Somehow I just don't get it.
But, I believe that not just the people around me, but everyone else is the same too. Even I too, also tend to leave traces of me behind both intentionally and unintentionally.
But why? Why do people do that?

It might sound weird for me to harp over something like this, but I guess this is just me. This is how I truly feel. One very good example I have here is this blog itself. This blog, is already good enough to show how much I want to leave a tiny trace of myself, here on the internet where everyone else and anyone else could see and read.
Despite being so sure that this blog would never mean anything to anyone, I'm still typing;
Despite me being able to easily cancel and throw away everything when all of it was still in my head, I didn't;
Despite knowing that I'm wasting my time, I'm still doing it.
Why?

The only reason I can think of now is that I just want to leave a part of me behind here in this dark, bright, twisted world, before I forget my very own existence. Exaggerating isn't it? Well, to be honest, that's not very true. Nowadays I'm losing so much of myself I can't even remember how I managed to be so "normal" in the past. Well, that's all part of everyone's life.. Right?

Sometimes, I really wonder if anyone would ever remember me if I were to disappear from this world. Would anyone cry? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone even bother to care?
I guess the answer I get from the other parts of ne is very predictable, very simple, yet just so cruel-- "No".

Just today, my school held the annual Sports Heats, and this year, my house won both the 1st prize for the cheerleading, and the championship of the event this year. At the same time, my class managed to win the 1st place for the class relay.
Initially, for the first few minutes, seconds in fact, I was genuinely happy for them, for my house and all my classmates. But the clock tickled by, more and more negative feelings just crept into me.
There they are, all my friends, standing there, emerging as champions, hand in hand together, taking all the pictures they could to commemorate this last Sports Heats they all had with each other; and there was me, sitting amongst the crowd in the spectator stand, all alone, with nothing, with no pictures taken, with a terrible headache due to the horrible weather, and letting the final Sports Heats I have with my friends just pass like that.
I might not display my emotions out when I'm out there, but when I reach home, when I scroll through instagram, staring at all those pictures everyone took, with none of me in any of them, I really just can't help but feel empty. So so empty inside, and can't stop thinking and wondering why am I always so incapable of doing something so simple for everyone else, and just have to wait until everything is over before I start regretting?

This became one of the happiest events for my close friend-- She participated in almost all the events, had all the fun she could possibly get, emerged as the champion for our level and won 4 medals. Sometimes when I look at her, I just can't help but feel so bad inside. There she was, being one of the best and shining in the spotlight, and here I am, being one of the most useless person sitting in one corner, unable to do anything but just stare and look at her in admiration, and envy at the same time.
Even though she is one of my closest friends, I still can't help but think this way.

Aren't I just so twisted?

Even I myself just find me to be so disgusting and pitiful.

Nowadays, I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. Is whatever what I'm doing up until now worth it? Somehow, it just seems to me that no matter how much I do, or even how much I work hard for someone else's sake, I'm always thrown away after I'm used and there would never be any traces of me left behind.
Never.
If I were to draw all of these out on a paper, no matter how much I draw, there would always be nothing there. Nothing at all. Not even the smallest dot. Just a clean, white sheet of paper left behind, spotless.

So, just allow me to end off with two questions for everyone, (including me actually) to think about.

1. Are you trying hard to leave any traces behind?

2a. (If no) Have you ever thought of anyone who is desparately trying hard to leave a part of him/her behind to keep his/her existance here? Did you even think of helping them, even if it's just a simple act like smiling and making her feel like she can actually live here without wanting to "disappear"?

2b. (If yes) Why are you trying so hard? Is all that trying ever worth it?

Okay! Sorry if the ending sounded a little... depressing.. But still, even if it's just a bit, I really do hope that everyone can think about the things they do sometimes-- because when you think about it, you can better improve yourself, and you can then help out others more efficiently!

Well, that's all I have for today,
Ciao ciao! ^^

Monday

17 February 2014.
The day I broke down yet again in front of someone. A family at that. Even though I swore to myself to never let my family worry for me again, I failed.
It's almost a week now, yet I still haven't gotten over it.

On Monday evening, my aunt come down to a mall near my house area to have dinner with me and take my phone to sent it for repair.
Honestly, I felt very uncomfortable with my phone taken away from me. Maybe it's because I am way to dependent on my phone? No, that's not it. I was uncomfortable and worried beacause I know once I sent my phone for repair, all the data in my phone would be completely wiped out and gone forever.
Yes. Data. I really treasure the data I have in my phone. Be it all those little conversations with my friends, or the manga I saved in MangaRock.
I treasure them all.
Am I weird? To be honest, I have no idea myself. But I just.. treasure them.

On my way back home after dinner, my aunt started talking to me if anything happened to me lately. I don't know how or why did she suddenly bring up that topic, but I hid it from her. I just shrugged and told her that nothing happened. But apparently, it wasn't convincing enough for her. She kept pressing me and yes, I did start telling her about a few of the secrets I have. Not the deepest ones though. Don't get me wrong, I really do love this aunt of mine and trust her, but it's just.. hard. I just don't know how to spill my deepest secrets to her.
Really, it is not that I don't want to, but I don't know how to.
There's just these few parts of me telling and preventing me to tell her-- some of them is holding me back due to fear, and some of them is due to me not wanting to worry her. I thought that she would understand, but she didn't. She just kept saying that if I told her or my family about it, I would feel better. I know she said that out of pure care and concern for me, but I just can't. I know that if I spill all of these secrets to her, I'll just.. lose myself and no, I won't feel better.

She kept "pressuring" me to tell her afterwards, and I couldn't take it anymore. I just broke down and cried. I told her to allow me to go back myself and sort out my thoughts, but she kept following me. I literally had to beg her before she went off on her own. On my way back alone from the road to my house, I couldn't stop crying.
A road which usually took less than 5 minutes now took nearly an hour.

I sat down at the bottom of the flat before I went up so that I could calm myself down. But there were stares everywhere. Beacause my house was very near a basketball court, the guys there just kept staring. But I'm glad they didn't do anything. I'm glad that they respected me. Really. But then, I felt so exposed. So exposed I don't know what to do.
All I wanted then was just a hug, and someone telling me that everything would be okay. I just wanted someone to be there to protect me and hide me for even a minute. But there was no one there. No one. Not even Hibari.

Until today, I still can't feel Hibari's presence. Why? I kept asking myself. Did I do something wrong? I really really have no idea. For this passing week, I just pretended to be my usual self infront of everyone. But I guess I failed. I'll try to do a better job next week. I swear to myself. But I did write 2 letters to 2 of my close friends. I want to trust them, even if they might end up leaving me one day. I just wanted to tell them how much they meant to me and that I'll never forget them, even if I changed.

Sounds pretty serious isn't it? But that just shows how much this means to me. I know that I could just break down any minute now, so I just have to do things fast. Before.. I don't know when or what. Well, I'll still try to stay as the usual me though. To the best of my ability. With my best designed mask.

Well, I'm sorry for sounding really emo and depressing today, but yea. That's just how it is.
Just one piece of advice that I have for everyone out there who is like me.
Don't force yourself to hold back your tears like me. It's really really suffocating and painful.  So, even if you don't want to let anyone know about your problems, just feel free to cry alone somewhere no one would know.
Trust me, it helps.

If you don't mind sharing your problems to a stranger, feel free to talk to me! I can't assure you that I can put an end to your problems, but I'm sure that a listening ear does ease you for a little while ^^

You can
-> Kik/Line me at Mikichinomiya.

I really hope that I can be of any help!

Well then, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao

Impact.

Sometimes, something another person does or says to me causes an impact. A huge one at that. In fact, it is not just one or two, but every word, every action that someone else does to me. Basically, it's everything. And "everything" ranges from a simple "thank you" to someone ignoring my message for even 5 minutes.

Yes, sometimes I do think that there is something terribly wrong with me. Why? Even I myself cannot seem to answer. In fact, I also keep asking myself why am I like that.
Why must I be so sensitive? Why can't I seem to live "normally" like everyone else? Why must I be me?
Why me?
I just have so many questions, but all pf them are just left unanswered. The main word just keeps repeating-- Why?

For me, a simple "Thank you" from something like helping someone take up a piece of worksheet on the floor, could instantly brighten up my day. A simple note to ask if I am okay when I seem upset also makes me forget all the unhappiness I had the second before. Just something so simple, and I'll be really happy and contented. Honest. I'm really fine with anything as long as I know that there is someone out there who actually cares for me.
But why do people always take advantage of that fact?

Everyone just keeps breaking their promises so easily and they just throw me aside like trash after using me. Am I really that insignificant to you? Maybe to you, all of that doesn't matter much and you just treat it as a joke, thinking that nothing would happen afterwards. But for me, it creates a really huge impact. I do care.
Brushing and pushing your "joke" aside, constantly smiling and saying that "it is okay" even though it actually matters a lot.. Just how many times did it happen already?

I'm a human too. I have feelings. I have blood flowing within me and a heart beating just like you. So why can't you understand how I feel? Why?
Just by ignoring my message after telling me that I did something wrong without myself knowing-- Do you have any idea how much that made me panic and regretful at something I have no idea about?

I'm tired. Honest. I already lost count of how many times I've said this already. If it is not for Hibari, I think I'll be long gone. I only have Hibari acting as my shield. Without him, I am nothing. I can only keep running away from reality, and wondering when is the time where I would just break down like that and completely lose myself.. and totally vanish from this ever-so-bright-world.

When?

It's really hard. I can't tell any of these deep secrets lying within me to anyone, even my family. I would never forget that face my parents made when I broke down in front of them three years ago. That face which shows the fear they had when I broke down. The worries and everything. I swore that I would never made them show that face again. Never.

Okay, don't worry, I'm not going to end off depressing again. I know it has been a quite long time and I have no idea how many people actually reads this blog. But, I'll still say this.

Never ever hurt someone else with words you think would never affect them, because every action and word you say makes an impact.
Depending on the person who hears it, the impact varies. It could be big, it could be small. But still, please remember that it hurts.

Lastly, don't forget to always smile and go forward towards anyone whenever you think he or she needs it. It doesn't harm to know that that person is fine, does it? Also, always keep the magical two words in mind. "Thank you" might really brighten up someone instantly.
Let's all try that from now on, shall we? ^^

Well, that's all I have for now,
Ciao ciao! ^^