Stuck in between

So it's July now. I know that it's been months since I last posted. Part of the reason is just that I'm too lazy, but other than that, I just had no time. No time to read, no time to watch animes, no time to sleep, but plenty of time to think about stuff and cry about it. So apparently I do have a lot of free time, but I just can't see it.

Nowadays, I'm starting to become like a friend who I always complain about- someone who often says that they have too many things to do and kept reassuring others that they had tried their best to complete things on their to do list but gets nothing done. Yes, someone who is that disgusting and detestable. I honestly feel that I'm turning into someone like that, and despite trying my upmost best to change it, I have great difficulty in doing so.

Somehow, the hardworking, pure and good girl is drifting further and further away from me. I keep trying to reach out to her, but I can't. She's sprinting, while I'm crawling.

It's July now, and I only have 2-3 weeks before my prelims and approximately 3 months before my major exams which is going to determine my life. Yet, I'm not doing anything about it. Not even the most basic homework. I am panicking, panicking that I cannot get into a good JC or I somehow end up in ITE. I'm scared, but I'm not doing anything.

Nothing.

More than anything, I'm even more terrified at the fact that I'm not trying to do anything. It's as if I'm trying to destroy my own future with my own hands. Perhaps I'm already doing so now because...

I can't see a future.

Instead of studying, revising or completing my homework, nowadays the same thought just keeps popping into my head.

"I can see her."

Yes. To start it off, I'm going to begin by introducing someone who I'll call "Light". Light is someone who is close to me, but she's not exactly like the type of friend which is the closest to me in school. We are the type of friends who converse through letters and understands each other below the surface. Yes. Below the suface. I treasure this friend a lot because she can always (Well most of the time) tell when I'm going through a bad time. Even though she doesn't say it out loud, she passes little post it notes to me to ask if I'm okay. These small gestures mean a lot to me and I always, deep in my heart, treasure and am thankful for her presence. A lot. However, recently, I'm starting to get stuck in my own world and looking at her in another way, and I hate that part of myself so so much.

If you are someone who just started reading this, you may just be seeing me as some emo, lame girl who always overthinks things. But as for those people out there who may perhaps have started reading my blog posts since 2 years ago, yes, this is a blog created just for me to express and vent out some of my buried emotions from deep within. As some of you reading this may know, this blog was also created to allow me to record down my memories and feelings about a close friend which I once had, and now (and from here onwards) , I'm just going to call that person "Kaye". Don't ask me why, but perhaps one day I'll blog about it somewhere else. But it doesn't really have a deep meaning to it. It's just a name.
And also, there is another person I would like to give a permanent nickname today as well. As I may have stated before, or if I did not, this person is someone who is very close to me right now, and yet, ironically, this person is the person who caused me to be who I am today, the person who ruined my friendship with Kaye, the person ruined the me in the inside.
But don't get me wrong, for people who are quite judgemental, I don't hate or blame her for everything because from the beginning till the end, I just think that most of it all is my fault.
And I'll call this person IA. (Btw, this person has got absolutely nothing to do with the japanese singer or anything)

Anyways, this may start getting a little, or maybe a lot, confusing because of all the names and details. If you are reading up till here now, you can choose to close this blog post and carry on with something else, or you can continue reading on. However, if you don't get what I'm trying to say at the end if the day, I can only apologise for wasting your time in reading this.

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For clarity purposes:
(This is how I'm trying to portray what I'm thinking now. If you want another picture, please look at the picture I have attached as well cuz it might be clearer.)

→ Me now - Kaye from 2 years ago
→ IA now- Me from 2 years ago
→ Light now- IA from 2 years ago

And these 4 people are the other people whom I am/was close with now/in the past:

* The two people whom I'm close to 2 years ago apart from Kaye : Ice and Rick

* The two people whom I'm close to now apart from IA : Park and Elex

→ Elex- somewhat similar to Ice
→ Park- somewhat similar to Rick

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I'm not kidding when I said that this was going to be confusing but yes, this is pretty much it now. Nowadays, whenever I see Light togther with IA, I see the me and IA together from the past. And looking from Kaye's point of view, it hurts. A lot. I could somewhat feel the pain Kaye might have went through 2 years ago, and I feel really bad to her.
Also, whenever I see Light getting close to Park and Elex, I just feel this clench in my heart. It was just like 2 years ago. When the me from 2 years ago thought that Kaye just wanted to find new friends because she was tired of me, not only did I not try to do something about it, I even thought that she abandoned me.
But now when I see it, it doesn't seem to be the case. Back then, I was already starting to get really close with IA and I was the one who was subconsciously pushing her away. I never realized that she was all alone. She was forced to group with the other 3 people within our big clique of 8. I'm not very confirmed that she might have felt that way, but when I look through the pictures in facebook of our times together just recently, I realised that ever since IA and I got closer, me and Kaye were drifting further and further apart. I always thought that me and Kaye were the closest despite being in different "groups" until the time when we fought near the end of 2012. I always thought that that was the case.

However, all of that seems so blurry now it feels as if it never happened ever since IA entered our lives. (Me, Kaye, Ice and Rick were in a clique in 2011 till August, and then, our clique became a group of 8, and finally abt 8-9 when IA joined us towards the end of 2011)

Now, whenever I see Light together with IA, Elex and Park, I feel like Kaye somehow from 2 years ago. Even though the part abt Kaye feeling that way might all be how I feel and not necessarily the truth, I still feel bad, guilty, stressed and tired. I'm tired of this stupid side of me. I keep telling myself that yes, Light is our close friend and can be part of our group if she wanted to, another part of me is just crying somewhere in a corner.

"Once she's in, I'll be out."

This is how I keep looking at this whole incident nowadays, and I really hate myself for looking at it that way. I really treasure Light, a lot. And I feel especially guilty because I was the one who welcomed her to join our group. But now, I want it to stay it the way it is, yet I don't want it to stay it this way. I really feel so conflicted and stuck in between absolute nothing.

Lost.
Alone.
Helpless.
Suffocated.

These are the 4 words which I feel most of the time and am feeling currently, but I just can't seem to find a word for it. I truly wonder if there even is such a word which existed. Perhaps there is, perhaps not.

Just yesterday, I tried to ask my mom in a roundabout way if she'll allow me to stay at home and not to school if I really really don't want to, or if I was getting quite close to having a depression. Without forcing me to say anything further, she said that she would, and she even told me to calm myself down and try not to think so much and stay at home if I needed to. At that moment, I felt so bad, so guilty. My mother seldom forces me to say anything that I really don't want to, as if she understands everything even though she barely knew a quarter of it all. I really want to say everything deep inside me to her, but I just can't do it.

I'll break if I did.

Despite many people constantly telling me that I would definitely feel better if I said everything deep within me out to someone, I just can't bring myself to do it. It is not that I have very low self-esteem or that I just want to hide something to make myself look like I have some depth within me, it is just as if there is a part of the real "me" telling me that I cannot do it. It's as if the real "me" is pulling me back from something, and I can't describe how that "something" would affect me. When I'm saying this, I feel so fake and hypocritical. I feel like I'm just trying to make others pity me. I really hate this feeling, but I just don't know how to get rid of it.

During this 3-4 days, I keep seeing, hearing and feeling Hibari's presence around me. Not just him, but there is also someone else. Someone whom I know deep down that would never hurt me, someone who can sense it when I'm not in the right condition and would hug me, pat me on my back gently, telling me that everything is okay, that I'm not alone. I know that all these traits sounds like it belongs to a person from a fairytale, someone who would never exist, but I just can't help but keep feeling this way recently. I do know that I'm just thinking too much, as if I'm in my own imaginary world, just creating a character who would never exist to make myself feel better, but I just keep feeling this sense of reality.

Can I not differentiate the difference between dreams and reality anymore?

I'm just so so scared.

What if I start to confuse and mix everything together? How would I be able to see what is real and what is not? I really feel so lost and alone.

Well, I guess that I have been typing for way too long today. My fingers just can't seem to stop typing on. I know that I would have some mistakes or typos or many areas that don't make sense, but I'm too lazy and tired to read through and change those errors. I guess I should really stop here.

Till next time,
Ciao ciao