Not me.

2014. O level year. Yes, as compared to 2010 when I had my PSLE, things are really different this year. Different.
The stress;
The pressure;
The worrisome things;
There's just so much to be scared and worried about. The ironic thing is, I'm not even doing anything this year despite feeling so stressed. I'm so stressed because of the fact that I'm not doing anything despite knowing that this year is an important year. Nothing at all. And to top it off, I'm being more emo than ever this year.
Realizing so many new things, uncovering so many masks, having to cover up all of these feelings, pretending that nothing is happening and forcing myself to smile- it's all so so tiring.

Sometimes, I really can't help but wonder why and how others could be so fake. Smiling right in front of you for one minute and criticizing you behind you the very next second. It really creeps me out and I feel so so disgusted. Then when they come over to talk to me afterward, or even touch me, it would feel as if someone poured slim all over me. It feels that disgusting sometimes.
And the ironic thing is that only my closest friends are able to make me feel that way. So when I try to avoid them, they would think that I'm being emo, or being petty over nothing at all. However, I don't try to clear up all of those misunderstandings at all. Honestly, I don't see a point. Nowadays, I could see the reason why Hibari avoids people all the time. That disgusting feeling is precisely the thing. And somehow, despite not being able to tolerate loneliness the most, I'm starting to "enjoy" this feeling. Just sitting aside, quietly listening to ypur own music, not having to bother about all those gossips going round about you-- It really feels very.. peaceful.

I have many many friends, but only a few are close to me. And among these close few, I could only talk to one of them about some of my problems. Nowadays, I really don't see a point in trying to "suck up" or even being nice or anything to these "close friends" anymore.
Truthfully speaking, I'm not who I am on the outside at all.

Not one bit.

To other people, I'm the type of "nice girl" who will always be there for them and the type of person they would feel that it's okay to throw me aside whenever they feel like it because when they need me again, I'll still be there. That's how my close friends have been using me, well some of them.

To my friends, I'm someone who would not be one bit bothered when they say something like "you look like you're xx kg honestly" when I'm trying to cheer them up about their weight.

To my close friends, I'm someone who is free any time and someone whom they could call and fix a date but then change it last minute because they don't want to, or already fixed a date with another person.

To them, I'm someone who they think that "hey, she's not as important as xxx and we could just ditch her, and even if she gets angry it's totally okay".

I'm totally not okay at all. To them, they feel that it is funny to do these things to me, or that I'm someone who is very strong and can take whatever they say or do. Even if my friends know that I'm sensitive, they would just care for me for a short period of time and then pretend not to notice that I'm drowning there. Yes, I do admit that I do not admit that I'm feeling sad or suffocating at times, and tell them that I'm okay, I just feel so disappointed when they say "ohh is that so, okay then".

I want friends who can just keep quiet and stay with me, or even give me a hug when they think that I'm not okay. Is that too demanding? I don't need them to give me any advice; I just want them to stay with me. Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes, I'm just so so so envious of my younger sister. She has a clique, a clique who would do everything with her, be it watch movies or going shopping- They do everything for each other. I want a clique like that too. But I don't. Although my clique discusses big plans all the time and all, we never did anything that fun together at all. Only once. And one of them had to leave halfway too. I know that they want to save money, but do they really have to go to that extent? They keep using excuses like "let's do that after our Os" or "sorry I need to study". All I want is for us to have fun together once in a while. I'm not asking them to do that every day. Just perhaps, once a month? Like all of us going out and have a meal and maybe catch a movie or do some window-shopping. Is it really too much? It may not matter that much to them, but it means a whole lot to me.

I hate it, but it is still a fact. I am sensitive. To top it off, I'm very very observant as well. So when I see and hear these sort of excuses, it is double the pain. I really tried to find someone to ease these feelings of mine and give me advice and all, like finding a counselor, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It is as if I'll be pulled apart by invisible threads and I'll even lose the cover protecting me. So is having a long period of suffering better, or having someone pull your only protection to help you with the possibility that that person might destroy you in the end better? I really don't know what to chose. The debate has been going on for ages, but there's just.. no answer.

Just yesterday, I made a promise with Hibari. I had a talk with him and I broke down, placed a strong front, gained courage and found out new routes. So many things from just one short 10 minutes talk. I promised Hibari, that I'll try to be stronger and just forget the people who I don't think are worth it. Even close friends.

Determination. That's one new value I need to learn and act upon. I made a promise, and I'm not intending to brush it aside, or even pretend it never existed. Hibari, I promise.

Okay honestly before I end off, I have no idea what title I should name this blog post. I was just typing whatever I've been hiding inside and all, so I really have no idea what to name it. So because I've talked about how other people judges me or assumes who I am, maybe I should just name this blog post "Not me". I know it's kind of weird, but I ran out of titles for it so just... bear with it. (I don't know what to say, really)

So, I guess that's it for now!
Ciao ciao!