Traces

Why do people leave traces behind?
Is it because they wanted to be remembered? Or because they wanted to be credited? Or is it just simply the fact that they did it unknowingly, on instinct?
Somehow I just don't get it.
But, I believe that not just the people around me, but everyone else is the same too. Even I too, also tend to leave traces of me behind both intentionally and unintentionally.
But why? Why do people do that?

It might sound weird for me to harp over something like this, but I guess this is just me. This is how I truly feel. One very good example I have here is this blog itself. This blog, is already good enough to show how much I want to leave a tiny trace of myself, here on the internet where everyone else and anyone else could see and read.
Despite being so sure that this blog would never mean anything to anyone, I'm still typing;
Despite me being able to easily cancel and throw away everything when all of it was still in my head, I didn't;
Despite knowing that I'm wasting my time, I'm still doing it.
Why?

The only reason I can think of now is that I just want to leave a part of me behind here in this dark, bright, twisted world, before I forget my very own existence. Exaggerating isn't it? Well, to be honest, that's not very true. Nowadays I'm losing so much of myself I can't even remember how I managed to be so "normal" in the past. Well, that's all part of everyone's life.. Right?

Sometimes, I really wonder if anyone would ever remember me if I were to disappear from this world. Would anyone cry? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone even bother to care?
I guess the answer I get from the other parts of ne is very predictable, very simple, yet just so cruel-- "No".

Just today, my school held the annual Sports Heats, and this year, my house won both the 1st prize for the cheerleading, and the championship of the event this year. At the same time, my class managed to win the 1st place for the class relay.
Initially, for the first few minutes, seconds in fact, I was genuinely happy for them, for my house and all my classmates. But the clock tickled by, more and more negative feelings just crept into me.
There they are, all my friends, standing there, emerging as champions, hand in hand together, taking all the pictures they could to commemorate this last Sports Heats they all had with each other; and there was me, sitting amongst the crowd in the spectator stand, all alone, with nothing, with no pictures taken, with a terrible headache due to the horrible weather, and letting the final Sports Heats I have with my friends just pass like that.
I might not display my emotions out when I'm out there, but when I reach home, when I scroll through instagram, staring at all those pictures everyone took, with none of me in any of them, I really just can't help but feel empty. So so empty inside, and can't stop thinking and wondering why am I always so incapable of doing something so simple for everyone else, and just have to wait until everything is over before I start regretting?

This became one of the happiest events for my close friend-- She participated in almost all the events, had all the fun she could possibly get, emerged as the champion for our level and won 4 medals. Sometimes when I look at her, I just can't help but feel so bad inside. There she was, being one of the best and shining in the spotlight, and here I am, being one of the most useless person sitting in one corner, unable to do anything but just stare and look at her in admiration, and envy at the same time.
Even though she is one of my closest friends, I still can't help but think this way.

Aren't I just so twisted?

Even I myself just find me to be so disgusting and pitiful.

Nowadays, I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. Is whatever what I'm doing up until now worth it? Somehow, it just seems to me that no matter how much I do, or even how much I work hard for someone else's sake, I'm always thrown away after I'm used and there would never be any traces of me left behind.
Never.
If I were to draw all of these out on a paper, no matter how much I draw, there would always be nothing there. Nothing at all. Not even the smallest dot. Just a clean, white sheet of paper left behind, spotless.

So, just allow me to end off with two questions for everyone, (including me actually) to think about.

1. Are you trying hard to leave any traces behind?

2a. (If no) Have you ever thought of anyone who is desparately trying hard to leave a part of him/her behind to keep his/her existance here? Did you even think of helping them, even if it's just a simple act like smiling and making her feel like she can actually live here without wanting to "disappear"?

2b. (If yes) Why are you trying so hard? Is all that trying ever worth it?

Okay! Sorry if the ending sounded a little... depressing.. But still, even if it's just a bit, I really do hope that everyone can think about the things they do sometimes-- because when you think about it, you can better improve yourself, and you can then help out others more efficiently!

Well, that's all I have for today,
Ciao ciao! ^^