The different sides

Somehow, even though I do not know the reason why, negative feelings are coming back to me again. Telling others about me seems like freedom, but at the same time it feels painful, as something is tying me back.

When I try to tell someone about some problems, deep inside I feel really happy, but there is this other negative side in me, telling me that doing so is bad. That negative side, is telling me that I am just trying to make myself look.. vulnerable?  and allowing other people to pity me. I am not sure myself, but the other small part of me is struggling, struggling to get into the light. I want the light, and I actually need that light to allow myself to keep going, but the other side of me just refuses to let me to do so.
I really really hate that side of me.

People who actually read my blog would realise that I have multiple sides to me, but it mainly just splits into 3 categories-- a side that tries to be positive, a negative side which keeps me from moving, and a side which is struggling, and wants to get help.
I know that it is impossible to get rid of any side, but I'll just try my very best to hide the negative ones.

Yes sometimes times can be hard, but I guess we just have to live with it. Like recently, I just keep having multiple emotions within me. I can feel annoyed and desperate, or happy and lonely. These multiple feelings in me.. I can't do anything about them. Sometimes, I just feel so frustrated that I can't help but cry. These emotions are killing me. These sides are killing me. The me right now is struggling in pain. But I still have to move on.

I might be in no position to say this, but I sincerely hope that people out there would just try their best to stay positive. Don't let emotions control you. Be the one who controls them. You just have to try. Like what a teacher said in school today, if you really feel like you can no longer contain your anger, just walk away to somewhere where no one can see you. Take deep breaths. Calm yourself down. If not, you could just run to the lift, and scream with all your might to let the emotions out. Try not to keep it all in because I know that it really hurts.
Here, I just want to wish those people all the best, and good luck! Believe that you can do it. If I would try, you should take that step too!

That's all for today,
Ciao ciao ^^

A mask.

Firstly, I'm really on the verge of crying when I am typing this. And secondly, the ironic thing is that I'm not sure why am I breaking down like this. Thirdly, I'm sorry if I am not making any sense. I just don't understand myself right now. I am really really lost.. and really scared.

I really hate this part of myself, where I am so selfish but at the same time still thinking that I am the victim. Why? I really don't understand myself.

Sometimes, I really just want to be able to honestly say out how I feel, but I can't. There is just this part of me who refuses to act how my brain wants me to. That part of me, just wants to make me seem pitiful. I really hate and despise that side of me. But I just can't seem to get rid of it. Could someone just teach me how? Please.

Just now, I was with two of my other friends who wanted to watch a movie. I really wanted to watch it too, but I just didn't have enough money. They wanted to loan some to me, but because of several reasons, I just said no. Deep inside, I really wanted to say yes but because of my other side, I didn't manage to. They insisted,  and dragged me all the way to the cinema. I was really tempted to give in, but my other self just wouldn't let me say yes. So I just came up with a reason that my mum might not allow me to watch it, and they made me call her. I did. And she agreed too. But somehow, the words I wanted to say just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I told them that I was not allowed to. They doubted me at first, but still believed me in the end. They wanted me to accompany them till the movie started, so when they were getting the tickets, I just ran off. I couldn't face the fact that I just refused something I really wanted to do because of my other side. I ran to hide in the toilet, and just started crying. I really regretted saying no. Why did my other side forbid me to just agree and watch the movie? WHY? Then,  when I went to the library, I saw them and just hid in reflex. I was scared to face them. Then, my friend just sent me a message to say that she would drag me there when I have the money next time. It was a happy text. She didn't manage to see that I just broke down, and simply thought that I was just joking with her. I got to admit that I was disappointed, but it was not her fault. It is all mine.

Actually, even I myself am not sure why I am crying now. Is it because of the fact that I didn't manage to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't force me to watch the movie? The fact that they didn't understand me? Or the fact that I just can't be honest with myself? I really don't know. All I know right now, is that I have a mask on my face right now, and that mask is the side of me which forbids me to say the things I really want to. And I want to throw away that mask. I really want to.

Okay that's all for now. Sorry for being so pessimistic today.
Ciao ciao.

Generation gap

Generation gap. I'm sure that many people face this problem. For me, my problem lies with me and my parents being unable to communicate sometimes. It just feels like no matter what I say, they just don't let it get to them. Like for example, when my parents scold me for a misunderstood reason, I try to reason out with them, but not only do they not get it, they blame me for rebutting them.
Sometimes, i really just want to hury up and grow up so that i can move out of the house and just leave them behind. But I can't. It'd be too infilial of me to do something like that. And when I really think of it, I just can't bring myself to do something so... cruel and selfish.

Not being able to communicate well with my parents really sucks. I love them a lot, and I really want to tell them about my love. But somehow, they just can't seem to get it. They can't really feel that love. I can't say that it's their fault since we have a 38 years gap, but sometimes, it just hurts. I want to be able to talk to them, like how I am able to tell these things to my friends, but I can't. They wouldn't understand how I feel.

Somehow, our world is improving at an incredible speed. So I guess maybe that's the reason why the older generations just cannot comprehend with the way we handle nowadays. When I walk past the streets, I would see so many kids playing with their parents smartphones and everything. It feels so different. I guess when I was their age I was the type who thought that playing in the playground is the happiest thing ever. Well, times do change I guess. But it's just too fast. Way too fast in fact. I just can't comprehend it at all.

Maybe the times changing is the reason why. Families have lesser and lesser times to spend time with each other due to so many distractions and the lack of time. I want to treasure those times I have now. I don't want to ever lose it. I want to try to get rid of this annoying "generation gap" so I can tell my parents my actual feelings and allow them to understand it. I believe many people out that wants this too.. right?

So, my advice to the people out there is that, try to spend more time with your parents and older people whom you treasure. Don't let this generation gap get to you, because I can assure to you that if you don't treasure it now, you'll definitely regret it when you lose the chance to communicate with them someday.
Just try to understand them more, and try to open up to them more. I'm sure that if you are able to do so, they will be able to understand you more too. When that happens, you'll find out that this "generation gap" just miraculously disappeared.

Well that's all I have for now,
Ciao ciao!

Meanings

I'm sure that most of the people out there have made decisions that make them regret a lot afterwards. But have any of them actually thought of the meanings behind those decisions? I doubt so. But I'm very sure that no matter what anyone does, there would be a meaning behind their actions.

Just yesterday, I just had my Chinese common test. Well, in the test, one of the comprehension passage was mainly about the topic I am saying now-- Meanings. Some people might not actually think of the reason why they actually act that way most of the time. Why? Is it because they think that those meanings are too insignificant? Or is it that it really just mean nothing to their lives? Somehow, I just felt that this is really something people should think about.

Personally, one main reason why I feel that people should think about the meanings behind their actions is because when they actually think of those meanings, it could actually make themselves understand more about themselves, so that they would not make the same grave mistake they made again, and of course they would have lesser regrets in their life. Confusing isn't it? Well, my logic is really simple. Just think about the meanings behind the actions that you make which caused you to regret. Do you feel that it's stupid? Or that you can actually improve on it the next time round? Yes, that's what i'm trying to say. Thinking about meanings might actually help you make better decisions in the future.

Well, as I am typing this, a thought kept circulating in my brain. Why did I even actually bother to type all these and even create this blog? I do have an answer. I bothered to type this, because I want people out there who could actually understand what I am saying to try it and maybe allow themselves to improve on their actions.I bothered to create this blog, so that people who actually face the same problems as me totry to learn to let go and carry on with their lives. I want to make an impact on somebody's life. I want to help that person.

So, after saying all these, I hope that the person who is actually reading this right now to think whether what I'm saying is actually true, and maybe try it out. I really feel that thinking about the meanings behind your actions could help you understand yourself better and all. I truly hope that you could try this out and maybe even help you in the future! Sorry if it got confusing ><

That's all for today~

Ciao ciao ^^

Conflicting feelings

Conflicting feelings. How exactly do you feel when you get them? Well, I can't tell you exactly how you would feel or how to get rid of this feeling, but don't be afraid of it, because it can disrupt the vision of how your mind actually sees things and eventually it may lead to you doing things against your will, making you regret afterwards.

For me, I experience this feeling a lot, and it actually makes me conflict my actions and my words.

Like for example, during a week ago, a friend asked me to lend her a notes book that I spend every lesson writing in it without fail. On that moment, I was a little reluctant, but I still lent it to her anyway. And that, made the next of my entire week regretting.
Within me, 2 feelings are rather obvious and I can feel them straight away. One is that I feel happy that I was able to help her, and the other is that I felt annoyed to having to lend her the book to copy, since it was her fault not listening to the teacher and takig down notes during class.

Why make such a big fuss over something as small as this? Well, the reason is simple. It distracted me for an entire week and I didn't manage to get anything done well. I just kept questioning myself on the reason for lending her my book when all I felt later was regret.

You might try your best to get rid of conflicting feelings at times but it is not always successful. My advice to epople out there is to never ever fear this feeling, because once you fear, you give in and you lose.
So, for starters, you could try to do things that are able to distract yourself and try not to go near things that might remind you of it.
But the most important thing is, never do things that would make you regret later. Follow the voice in your head and do things according to your will. (But I'm talking about things that would not hurt other people and is legal though!) Then, I believe that things would be better and negative conflicting feelings would not come to harm you.

That's all for now!
Ciao ciao! ^w^

A prayer

Hey! I'm back! I'm really really sorry for not posting since last year. Hontoni gomenasai *bows*

Anyways, this post is dedicated to some people out there who may face this problem.

Just today, I've been reading a shoujo manga and I just couldn't stop reading it. The male protagonist of this story is a guy called Yano, and he has this girlfriend, Takahashi, whom he really cherishes a lot. He has to cope with a betrayal from his ex who supposedly died from an accident but Takahashi freed him from it. (Okay they have been through a lot of other things and I'm not going into details)
Somehow, I could relate to both of them in terms of betrayal of someone close, maybe because I have been through it before. But people out there, pls do not ever have the slightest thought of trying to experience it because it is really painful. And you'll cry and suffer and everything. It is so painful to the extent that I can't even describe it.

Now, he is currently (from where I stopped) studying in high school in Tokyo, which is quite far from Takahashi. His mother decided to have a divorce with her husband. And because of many circumstances, he realizes that his mother gave birth to him just for the sake of his birth father to look at her. But the mother failed. She used Yano as a kind of replacement for the guy she loved because he looks exactly like his father. And also, she is now suffering from cancer, and also depression because the wife of the guy she loved wanted Yano to be the heir of their family. (Sry if it got confusing)

So now, currently Yano is stuck with being unable to stay by Takahashi's side even though she was his only support. He had to take on many jobs to pay for his bills and he have to cope with his mother's illnesses. He is also struggling to get high marks so that he could get into the university that both him and Takahashi agreed to go to. But because of his part time jobs, he is getting a D grade.
But the worst thing is, when he decided to go to meet Takahashi for support again, his mother hanged herself and passed away.

Why am I posting this or writing this story? To be honest, I have no idea as well. I just didn't understand why a 18 year old male have to go through all of these-- by himself. I mean, everyone deserves happiness, so I just find it so sad that all the people he loved are leaving him.

I actually feel really ashamed after reading this because even though people like Yano exist in this world who doesn't complain, here I am, whining and complaining about every little small thing. But it's not that I can help it. I'm not trying to find an excuse, but really. I get scared. Recently, sometimes in school I just get so scared about some things that I have to run to the toilet so that other people would not see my tears. I just cuddle myself in there and can't stop the shivering. Every single voice I heard feels like they are mocking me, and I just can't get rid of those sounds. Why?
I'm just so scared.

But anyways, I just really wanted to pray for those people out there who are suffering like Yano. Even though I am not a Catholic nor Christian, I still want to pray for those people, to just stay strong and collapse. I sincerely hope that they can just persevere until the end. I just have this belief that if you hang to something, you'll be able to get something out of it one day. Just like how if you hang on to the end of the rainbow, one day you'll climb all the way up and experience sucess. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here, but that is seriously just something I believe in. I am just a 15 year old girl holding on to something I truly believe in even if it was just an illusion. Call me dumb or anything, but I believe that there are people out there who feel the same way too-- deep in their hearts.
So, I hope that whoever is reading this now, would join me in this prayer, as I believe that one day, because of our prayers, someone out there could be saved by it. I sincerely hope that that would happen.

Anyways, I've got to sign off now! See you soon! (I hope hehe)
Ciao ciao! ^w^