A mixed up Whirlpool

So.. i guess it has been a while.. once more.

Maybe it was because i got lazy again;
Maybe it was because i got busy;
Maybe it was because so many things happened

That i just simply don't know where to start.

Maybe i should start with something which made me learn that it might be quite impossible for me to return to any way i used to be anymore.

It is something called "memory block".

I can't recall since which part of the year it started, but i have been having the problem of not being able to recall things that happened. Initially it was just me not being able to remember the things that i went through in secondary school, the things that i could actually vividly remember every second back then, but now, i can't even recall the simple things that i did the previous day.

When symptoms started to show, i do recall myself questioning if this was a good thing, because
on one hand, this memory block thing might give me the possibility to erase the stupid, seemingly minor things i've done in the past and allow me to start afresh as someone new, someone who is not as timid, as dark, as twisted especially as the me last year;
but on the other hand, this memory block thing also made me especially scared, because it was as if i lost a huge part of myself, it was as if the long, painful process that i went through didn't exist at all. But more importantly, it was as if the me within which, although tortured me the whole time, stayed by my side from the beginning till the end disappeared.

It was as if i was all alone (again (..?)).

I really don't know what my next step should be, or what i should even think of next, because although i can't recall the things that happened (unless i do it on purpose by reading through the stuff here or the stuff i wrote elsewhere), the pain can still be felt.

And this memory block thing is starting to really irritate and scare me because i could end up speaking things that even i myself don't understand about, despite me having tons of things i prepared to say up in my head seconds ago.
So basically, i end up saying things that doesn't even relate to the subject i was at most of the times now, be it a serious talk with someone, or even in the midst of something important (like consultation with my teachers for instance).

-----

A sense of disorientation.
Is that it?

Somehow it feels like i'm being stuck in this whirlpool, a whirlpool full of wonders, happiness, loneliness, fear, and a whole lot of hopelessness and other whatnot.
The irony is however, that it is something that i can actually get myself out of, yet i don't want to, for fear of losing something called "pain". I don't get it myself, or rather, the nonsense that i'm saying as my fingers move from one letter to another on the keyboard, but it feels as if i can't bring myself out of something that i'm so accustomed to- even though it is something that has been tormenting me endlessly all these while.

I guess, i'm really starting to lose it.

It was really after i started jc life that i realized that maybe, just maybe, the pain that i felt back then last year was nothing. It's not due to me going through a lot more shits now - really, it isn't - but rather, the emptiness that lurks within every second of the day. I can feel happy, angry, or sad too (basically normal emotions), but sometimes, just out of absolutely nowhere, i feel nothing.

And when i mean nothing, i mean nothing.

I don't know if it's because my memory or my emotions are failing me, but, especially so nowadays, i could just walk home with a completely empty mind with my body just moving in its own.
And without me knowing, i would just end up at the destination i decided beforehand, completely oblivious of the entire journey, without a single piece of memory intact.

Although i did picture myself doing stuffs like these when i was much younger, reading off romance storybooks when the protagonist just experienced something to bring herself down to the abyss, i still can't believe that this is actually happening.
Well sure, i admit, i used to think that having the ability to do that was really cool, but for it to really happen? I mean, is it even possible for one's mind to completely go blank and that his or her body would just move on its own accord literally like a zombie?

Sure, it may still sound cool, but somehow, i honestly do prefer having my mind with me whenever i'm awake, because well, it is my mind afterall.
It is something that tells me that hey, even though i might be going through shit and whatnot, i am still "sane".

"I am still me."

And yeap, i''m pretty sure that that's the reason why i preferred having the pain i had last year.
"It was real."
It was something that i myself could feel, be it mentally or emotionally.
Emptiness doesn't grant me that.

And i especially hate the feeling, when i feel like tears are forming, but they just won't fall.
Even when i was forcing myself to recall things that hurt me the most, i just couldn't cry.
I did mention that this happened to me before (i think (?)) back when i visited the counselor last year, but it seemed like a repeatedly warped cycle. My condition did improve before it worsened afterwards, then it improved again, then it worsened, then it improved, then it worsened. Well basically, it was a on-off thing. It's either i'm normal and happy, or i'm all the way at the bottom.

There's just no in between.
And that applies not only to the emotions i myself feel, but also, the way i treat others.

It was either a really really considerate and caring friend, or a hopeless jerk.

When i get really sensitive about issues, i tend to overthink things and worry myself endlessly, torturing myself with seemingly endless questions everyday, crying over nonsensical shit which nobody else gives a damn about. But it was only then, that i took the feelings of others into consideration, and put in my utmost effort into preventing others from getting hurt over my actions;

On the other hand, after i got tired of being so sensitive and people telling me the exact same thing i say to myself over and over again, i decided to not give a shit about what others think and just complete the tasks i have on hand. But when that happens, i do not take the feelings of others into consideration, and i would just be a hopeless jerk hurting some people along that process.

So you may ask, why not just be in the middle and do both?
But my question to you is,

"Am i supposed to not be so sensitive about what people say and yet be considerate to people at the same time; Or should i just pretend to not be sensitive at all and just pretend that everything's fine and happy and yay?"

How am i supposed to do any of that?
If i'm not sensitive enough of someone else's feelings, how am i supposed to know where the line i'm supposed to draw is located at?

"Just find a balance."

How would you define balance?
Can you yourself even tell me straight in the face where that "balance" you're talking about is located at?
Do you yourself even know for sure what this "balance" thing is?

Okay then, maybe i should just take the other route of pretending not to be sensitive when i'm practically dying within.
It could very well be just me being useless or whatsoever, but before you even tell me to try something like that, can you yourself smile every single time you feel like crying?

"Can you?"

Can you tell me just what i should do?

It's just so messed up.
When i'm with my class, i'm stuck with people who can be high 24/7. It's either you get high with them and be part of the group, or you disappear into some corner of the school alone.
I think i might have mentioned this many many times, but i just desperately need a clique to be in. A clique which could allow me to take cover whenever i need a break from everything else, friends that i know would always be there for me even when anything happens, a group of people that i could just feel safe with.

But no.

I can't even be comfortable with anyone in the class regardless of how much time passed throughout the year. It's just either i fit in with the people i usually hang out with, or i don't.

Is this what people call a superficial friendship?

Regardless of the occasion, there's just not one person in the class i could say for sure is my partner for a upcoming project or whatsoever. When the time comes, i could just be alone in a corner with absolutely no one by my side just because i'm the only one who can't fit in as well as the people i'm closer with could.

CCA?

Well certainly, these are the people whom i'm most comfortable with in the entire school.

"But no."

Even within odac, once again, i can't say for sure that someone would be by my side even when i collapse because, there's just this thing called "odd number" in the way.
I don't know if it's due to a fixed mentally or what, but every time we have an odac session requiring teams or pairs, i always imagine myself to be all alone regardless of the occasion.

I'm just so terrified of being alone that i just dictate that things would go that way before anything happens.

Can someone please tell me what to do?

Because although i constantly tell myself that i'm used to being alone, it's actually just an excuse to keep myself from the fear.

It's just so messed up that i can't.

I just... can't.

Ok pushing aside all the other nonsense, i guess that'd be it for today,
sorry if i trailed on to an unknown island somewhere along the way and that it got confusing.

Till next time,
Ciao Ciao

Insecurities.

"Guys.. Slow.. do..wn.."

The black haired girl couldn't stop panting as she desperately tried to catch up with the people in front of her.

She was running out of breath but everyone else didn't realise.

Everyone else were all just strolling in front, laughing and joking together, while she was running with all her might at the back, trying to catch up.

She was crying;
She was tired;
She wanted to give up;
But nobody noticed.

No one noticed at all.

Sometimes, I really think that I'm making a really big fuss out of nothing, like legit nothing, but I just can't help it. 

Insecurities just kill me.

I desperately want to get rid of it, but no matter how I run or how I hide, it just somehow always seem to just creep up behind me and eats me whole.

I just simply hate insecurities so much.

---

I love my cca friends- I really really do.

They are all wonderful people with great personalities.
They are all able to make many many friends effortlessly just with them being themselves.
They possess so much knowledge, own so many skills, know so many things that I have absolutely no idea about. For instance, topping school in academics, excellence in sports and music, and even gaming.

Sometimes, they just make me feel like a complete idiot.

But most importantly, they all know the exact things that should be said and what shouldn't be even uttered.

After being in an all girls school for 10 years and going through all those things that I never would've imagined I would, I've always thought that it was okay to apply the things that I knew to them, especially since they are like family to me, but apparently, they still told me straight in the face that I still needed to "draw the line" sometimes.

From the beginning, I already treated them as my family, and they knew that, so naturally, I would definitely do and say things that I would do to my real family.

But apparently I couldn't.

Despite most of the stuffs me doing were things that I thought that were okay to most people I've met in my secondary school, or even helpful at that, it seems that those things aren't okay for people here at all.
It's as if everything that I'm doing or saying now is completely wrong, and that everything that I;'ve been believing up till this point in my life were all lies.

It's as if all of them are strolling as a family forward in front of me while I'm desperately dashing forward to see if I'm  following behind on the path they are walking.

For instance, when me and two of my cca friends were having lunch together at pepper lunch today, both of them were engaging in a conversation about gaming, and they were just laughing amongst themselves at things that I have absolutely no clue about.

When I was with them, I always thought that not knowing about the latest "in-things" or games or whatsoever was okay.

But apparently it wasn't.
I just keep seeing myself as someone being labelled "the person who doesn't know anything at all".

People keep telling me that it is okay to not know about stuff or things that other people know about, but they have absolutely no idea how much it hurts to see them ALL laughing and talking about it while I could only stand here and stare helplessly or even fake a laughter so that I wouldn't look like an outcast because I have no slightest idea what they are talking about.
Although there is something called the internet, I have no idea how or where to start to be able to know as much things that a normal teen should know because I've been like this my whole life.

I just don't know how to go about making such a drastic change from not knowing anything at all to learning what everyone else does.

And even before that, when we were at the mrt station on our way to go for lunch, we somehow just started to talk about the exco selection for the cca.
At the exact moment when my friends told me who they were going to vote for, I just started feeling depressed, and I have no idea why.

Perhaps it was because I wanted to be part of the exco for the cca.

But honestly, I really didn't know that I wanted to be part of the exco this much.

Throughout the whole time when we were in the mrt train, I could feel the whole thing weighing down on me at the back of my head.

"So I'm not one of those people whom my friends thought was capable enough to do things for others."

And truthfully, that affected me a lot, especially since I failed to enter the student council in my current school, not that I really regret it.
From then on till now, I just can't stop having this impression that something went wrong with my leadership skills at some point in time and that I can't lead anymore.

To be very honest, although I always say it otherwise to everyone else, I like leading.
I like bringing people together to get things done on task and although this is a selfish reason, yes, I like the feeling of getting confirmations for small mini details as well.

For a really insecure person, well at least for me, even the tiniest confirmation like a simple "you did well" provides tons of comfort. The feeling of people giving constant confirmations reassures me. It tells me that I'm on the right track. It tells me that whatever I'm doing is correct and can be accepted.

But no, just no.

So it seems like I lost that part of leadership in me which i place a really high meaning for.

When i opened the twitter app just now to check on some stuffs and at the same time went to check out my friend's twitter to see how shes doing lately, she was talking about how stressed she was and I was very worried for her.
But when I chanced upon the tweet where she said that she was worried about whether she can get into exco too, she mentioned about how she was so scared of not being able to make it due to one other guy. (Both of them are the "main" candidates for the exco position.)

I was already tearing up due to all sorts of reasons, and because I was so worried for her that I wanted to cry for a friend, and the fact that her tweets were so relate-able, tears starting forming.

The moment I saw that tweet, the tears started to fall, and it was as if my eyes suddenly became a faulty tap, I wouldn't stop "crying".

The reason may seem small or even petty, (judge me all you want), but it really slapped me right in the face.

"Hah, you're of absolutely NO threat at all."

From the whole of my primary and secondary school life, I've held numerous leadership positions, and gained quite a number of recognition from my teachers and fellow leadership peers that I'm doing a good job and everything.
But now, it seems like what I've been doing all these while were all wrong.

I can't lead.

I don't deserve those recognitions.

I just... can't do it anymore.

The things which once looked so simple and natural to do suddenly all became so foreign and distant, that I don't know if I should or even have the ability to go after them anymore.

Yes, I detest people who always say that they can't do it and simply give up without even trying.
The fact that when they're given a choice of whether they could or could not do it and them choosing the latter makes me feel so irritated and disgusted.

However, I'm fit into those 3 categories - detestable, irritating, disgusting - perfectly most of the time.
I'm exactly the type of person which I hate the most.

I know being "tired of life" is probably one of the lamest and used excuse for people to give up, but sometimes, I am really really tired.

Tired physically;
Tired mentally;
Tired emotionally;
Tired psychologically.

Just plain tired.

I honestly don't see the point of waking up each day just to bring my physically tired body and worn-out soul to face "new challenges", pretend to be someone I'm not, smiling and laughing with everybody else even when all I feel like doing is escape into one corner and cry, worry about all the tiniest matters no one would even pay attention to, and feel hopelessly afraid that I might lose a friend due to my character, personality, whatever.

I mean, what's the point of living through the day just to go through all these turmoil?

Are the small bits and pieces of fun and "happiness" i get sometimes along the day worth the pain?

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

I would really really love to utter or even whisper a "maybe..?" somewhere along there, but it's simply so painful that I don't have the guts or will to overpower these negative thoughts and I just.. give in.

Death is scary, and I don't deny that I am scared, extremely scared, but Death also seems like the perfect getaway from this hell.

I just want to disappear from this never ending cycle of complete nothingness filled with pain.

"Coward."

Yes. I don't deny that. I can't deny that. I am a coward.

A hopeless coward that in the midst of wanting to seek death so much, still has that small tiny hope that someone who rescue me from this hell and hug me tight, pat on my head and tell me that's it's okay, and never ever ever letting go of me no matter how ugly, how horrible, how disgusting or how dark I am.

I mean,

Don't look at me with those eyes because they really really creep and scare the hell out of me.

Don't start talking to me if you are not prepared to deal with all these shit that I'm going through.

Don't become friends with me if you think that going through my shit with me or dealing with my random mood swings or whatsoever is too tiring for you.

Don't even enter my life if you're just gonna leave like everybody else.

Because I'm just so sick and tired,

of people leaving,

of the cycle of me
1. hiding shits from you before you manage to make me open up to you or to the world
2. you allowing me to realize that maybe I actually can have a reason to live and to love
3. you getting tired of me one day
4. you just leaving without a single word

And,

5. you pushing me back into hell again to experience pain double the times from before.

I'm so sick and tired of that.

I honestly just want to cry whenever i want;
I honestly just want to hug, and laugh, and do shit whenever i feel like it,

and not feel like the whole world is judging me for whatever I'm doing, even if its an extremely minor thing, because it means the world to me.

Blueticks.

Many friends told me that people often blutick me because they might be busy or that they didn't do it intentionally or anything.

Yea, maybe they're right.

But they just have no idea how one freaking blue or double tick affects me every single time, be it when I'm making a suggestion, me proposing something, or even when we're in the middle of a conversation, anything.

Like, did I say something wrong?
Or like did I make you angry?
Or did I hurt you subconsciously?

"Did I.. Did I.. Did I..?"

And when people ignore me on snapchat, I would have the exact same questions popping in my head, or worse, like

Were my snaps so uninteresting?
Or did i snap something inappropriate?

I honestly don't know why and how all these insecurities are eating me up even though it's such a small matter, and I just seem to like making a huge fuss out of nothing.

But I can't help it. I have no idea of when insecurities had became such a huge part of my life.

When people tell me that I'm thinking too much, yes, maybe I am thinking too much.

But then again, it's not like I can help it right, I mean, who in their right minds would want to make their lives so miserable if they could be happy and free and be capable of laughing over anything and everything and not worry about anything in the world?

Sometimes, I just want to scream in the faces if the people whom I know to just go away.
Really.

Just leave me alone.

"If you can't accept me for these minor details that mean so much to me that they all add up to infinity, or if my problems are affecting you negatively or anything,

Fine. Just leave. I really don't want to care anymore.

However, let me set this straight.
I didn't force you to come into my life or anything.
You were the one who made that decision.
Sure, you can leave.
I wouldn't blame you or anything, really.

But just a question.

If you're not even prepared to really become my friend, then why are you even here at all?

I mean, I know that I can be irritating and maybe my words or actions do hurt people sometimes.
But please know that right from the start, before I even opened up shit to you, I've already told you that I am not who I seem to be on the outside, and that I am extremely sensitive and all, and yet, you still chose to break past my barriers.

And when you finally start to see the disgusting piece of flesh inside of me, you start to feel that this is too gross, like nope I'm leaving.

Do you freaking know how much that would hurt me?

I took forever to build up these walls.

Sometimes, my tears also wash away the bricks or whatsoever needed to build the wall.
I am already giving myself enough trouble just by washing the materials away, and there you are, telling me that it is okay to break down the wall to let the me inside see the world.

But have you ever thought that that might perhaps make me more vulnerable than ever?

Do you know that once you leave, it's as if you've used the me inside of me against me, and stabbing me with the broken materials of my very own broken wall like its nothing?

Do you know how much that hurts?

Did you ever once put yourself in my shoes and see how much I'm bleeding?

Did you ever know how close I am to bleeding to death?

Did you ever?

No."

I didn't use to be like that.

Before all these happened, I was still a normal little innocent girl who believed in fairytales, who believed in best friend forever, and believed in all the goods of this world.

But what on earth happened?

The funny thing is that even I myself can't recall.

It was as if one day, everything just piled up and crushed me below, making me lose all my memories and only leaving the pain and scars behind.

Can I really say for sure that despite being that innocent little girl when I was younger, the me from the past wasn't this dark before?
Can I really say that the me from the past is actually very cute and kind?
Can I really say that the me from the past was the exact opposite of what the me now is?

Can I?

Can someone just please give me an answer?

Even if it's just a simple "yes" or a simple "no".

Because this abyss is really getting into me even as i try to pull myself out of it.
It's as if the more I struggle, the deeper I sink in.

Wait, I don't even have any idea what I'm saying anymore.

Well, I guess I should really stop here for today.
Ciao ciao

Family.

What happens when your family is not your family at all?
What happens when everything you've thought to be perfect turn out all to be just plainly pure illusions?
What happens if the people who pulled you out from your misery become the very people who pushes you deeper, (subconsciously)?

What does "subconsciously" even mean?
On the internet, this very word is defined to be "existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness".
So do people always have the thoughts of hurting others at the back of their minds?
Or did the definition I found out turn to be inaccurate?

I don't know, and honestly, I don't want to know.

The thought of knowing the thoughts behind the back of everyone else's minds and the thought of not knowing anything at all. Which is worse? Everything just stabs like knives, completely piercing through anything and everything that I actually left myself with. It stings, it hurts, I'm bleeding, but I can't see nor hear nor smell nor feel anything.

Just nothing,

Just when I thought I had a chance of moving out of this sealed shell,
Nothing;

Just when I thought I found people who knows,
Nothing;

Just when I thought I found a family,
Nothing.

Just nothing at all.

Perhaps I'm just making a huge fuss out of nothing again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become annoying again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become weaker again.
Perhaps I'm losing myself again.

Perhaps; Perhaps; Perhaps.

Well anyways, story-telling time.

Yesterday, Wednesday, it was cca day, it was odac day, it was family day.
I looked forward to spending time with all my dearest friends, talking, laughing, snapping random shots along our trek and finally having a family-ish dinner so much that it pulled me through the first 2 shitty days with a bright smile constantly hanging on my face. The idea of just seeing them, just spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them always makes my day and I just appreciate their presence so much in my life.

They are just like the family to me now.

But just when we assembled at our meeting spot to proceed to the venue for trekking, one of us couldn't make it due to lessons, and the nice happy thought of the whole cca, with full members on board, spending time together for the first time after oec (our first cca camp together) just disappeared. I was sad, definitely, but I still looked forward to spending time with the rest of the family, doing the crazy things we always do together during cca times.

Perhaps it was a leadership thing I had embedded in me ever since secondary school, or perhaps it was because the "kind" me is still lighting up dimly at a far end within me, I made everyone walk ahead of me so as to ensure that "no one is left behind", be it physically or emotionally or whatever. But that just resulted in me not being able to secure a seat in the bus with everyone else. There was a guy who stood beside me, but because we don't talk much, (and although he's nice, he's quite weird) we ended up using our phones throughout the journey.

And when I turned to look out the window once, the image of Kyoko, the image of my real family in the anime world with my brothers, with Kyou and everyone just flashed through my mind.
It came as a shock, and then thoughts and voices just wouldn't stop flowing after that.

"If they're you're real family, they will never leave you alone."
"If they cared, you wouldn't be standing here "alone" right now."
"Nobody cares."
"You're still an absolute failure."
"Did you really think that you deserve a "family" with how you're like right now?"

So many thoughts and conflicting images, voices. everything just came one after another like it was nothing. I desperately wanted to just pluck in my earpiece to hear Soraru's voice, to hear Toshiki (my "imaginary" oldest brother) sing and calm me down. But just so that I don't look anti-social, just so that I don't look emo or look like I'm being depressed and attention seeking, I stopped myself from doing it.

"Disgusting!"
"Hypocrite!"
"Fake!"

Those voices just wouldn't go away no matter how much I distracted myself with nice images or with the game I was playing with.
And when we finally reached our stop, I just alighted with the voices still talking to me (I'm so thankful that they weren't screaming), and I attempted to look normal while walking forward and looking forward.

But despite me trying to move past all these and allowing myself to enjoy my time with them, the voices really affected me. I tried talking, I tried laughing, I tried smiling from the bottom of my heart, but it all just seemed so impossible because

I started believing what the voices were saying.

And to top it off, as we progressed through the jungle during the trek, apart from one amongst the remaining six of the girls, all the other girls didn't approach me at all. It was as if they wouldn't approach me if I wasn't the one who approached them first. When we stopped at one of the locations for a break, I stood by at one corner (it was an squarish enclosed area) while trying to enjoy the scenery. Although I'm a big fan of nature, seeing tall trees and nothing else surrounding us below didn't really help improve my mood at all. One of the guys came and approached me to talk to me, and honestly, I was so extremely thankful for his presence then. The distraction he brought along; The provision of a cover so as to prevent me from looking overly awkwardly emo being alone; The entertainment I received with just us talking (he just has the ability to do that and I have no idea how but I'm extremely thankful for that); Everything. Just from one small gesture, he rescued me from the voices, the awkwardness and everything else.

But as I turned back when we were about to proceed to continue with our trek, what greeted me was just stares from the other girls. Confused stares; Scared stares; Plain stares, and nothing else. It was as if they didn't dare to approach me just because I was a little "different".

They just stood there and looked at me like I was some sort of zoo animal or something and continued their conversations afterwards while I walked off ahead.
Those stares are the precise stares which I'm just so terrified of seeing in JC.
I prayed so hard day and night that the stares from IA and some people from my secondary school wouldn't appear in the eyes of the friends I made here, but it did.
And the look appeared in the eyes of the people I don't want to see it happening it to the most.

"Maybe they're just confused for a moment because of my weird behavior."
"Maybe I saw it wrongly."
"Maybe the voices in my head are affecting me too much to make a proper judgement."
"Maybe they did it subconsciously."
"Maybe they are just worried. (..?)"

Maybe; Maybe; Maybe.

But maybe not.

The thoughts just all came running back and because I can't just plug in my earpiece and "escape" into the arms of Kyou, into the arms of Kyoko, into the arms of Toshiki and into the arms of all my other family, I could only walk faster and faster and faster ahead of all of them to get rid of their voices, of their faces, of their looks. I really wished that I could outrun the voices in my head, but they were just pulling me deeper into the sea and making me drown, while my friends just stood there by the shore, watching me get pulled away and yet doing nothing.

Nothing.

But no. I don't want that, and I don't want to look at it like that.

They are the very people who made me become more open here at JC;
They are the very people who always makes my day and prevents me from going home in tears after cca;
They are the very people who saved me from all the shits I've been through;
They are the very people who taught me so many new, positive things that I thought only existed in animes and fairy tales;
They are the very people who makes me smile so happily from the bottom of my heart;
They are the very people who are willing to not just listen but help me out at the expense of their precious time all the time;
They are the very people who are pulling me out of the darkness;
They are the very people whom I now regard as a family.

This is the very reason why I swore to myself before entering JC that despite me wanting to find the friends I've always wanted in KHR, I must never open up and never ever convince myself that I could or had the ability to do anything. But the people in my cca did it. They brought so much happiness, kindness and light no one's ever showed to me into my enclosed dark world. They started tearing down the walls I've painstakingly built so effortlessly that no matter how hard I try to build another wall, they just break it down with a flick of their fingers. They started to matter and before I knew it, they became such important people in this world of mine which I swore to only keep myself in and no one else.

And at one point in time, I started believing that they valued me to be someone important too, but due to the love and kindness they showered upon me, I guess I started thinking too highly of myself.

"Do you really think that you deserve all that?"

My heart would really love to say a "yes", but my mind is forcing my lips to mouth out a "no".

"Aren't you thinking too highly of yourself?"

Yes, perhaps all the light they brought into my world has blinded me from reality.
I love them so much, but do they really feel the same?

"Does it even make a different if I'm here or not?"

I'm genuinely terrified of losing precious people again.
Instead of growing stronger each time, I just get weaker and weaker.

My mask is coming off;
My true colors are showing;
The bottle is overflowing;
The dark sides are showing;

"Not deserving, not deserving, not deserving."

Everything seems to be falling apart.
I just can't seem to be able to conceal as well as I could in the past anymore.

The beautiful world that they are trying to show me can only be done if they completely break down my entire wall. I want to reach out to the heavens and soar the skies with them from the bottom of my heart, but if they leave me due to my personality or anything as well, I would have nothing left anymore. Nothing.

And I'm scared because I love them so much I'm not doing anything against it.
They are just wonderful and beautiful people that makes me seem so ugly, so dark,so disgusting in comparison.
I need their presence in my life, but I'm just so scared and screwed up I'm at a total loss of what I should do, and what I should not do.

Can you tell me how I should even proceed from here?
Please.
I'm begging you.

"Don't disappear, please."

Okay, I guess that's enough ranting for today.
Till next time,
Ciao Ciao

Dreams vs Reality

What are dreams? 

What is reality?

Does the world we're living in compromise of these 2 things?

Or does the world we're living in compromise of none?

Does it all even matter at the end of the day?

I really don't know, and deep inside, I don't want to know.

Honestly as of now, I don't even get why I'm depressed or why I'm not happy.

For anyone who looked at my instagram posts or the me in school, they'd all probably think that I'm really happy and this depressing side of me is a entirely fake crapped out bullshit.

It probably is, or it probably isn't.

Does it all sound very confusing? 

Well, it may be because there's just something about me that is off today. And yes, I have no idea what that thing is.

A month-ish has officially passed in school, and yes, although I told myself to become someone who sits in a corner and reads her books during breaks and all, I didn't. 

I chose to make friends just like how I did in secondary school.

However, there's just this one big difference that kept getting in my way, and that difference is called "change". I just can't seem to make friends as easily as I made in the past anymore. I can't hold conversations, nor can I even make a standing place for myself.

I just can't seem to do anything like how I used to anymore.

Nonetheless, I still managed to make some "friends" in my class, a couple of closer ones in my OG, and even more really close ones in my cca, and honestly, I don't know if that's even a good thing.

"Am I doing anything wrong?"

"Did I annoy them?"

"Is my awkward side showing again?"

"Would they choose me or her?"

"Am I even wanted?"

"Do they actually wish that I wasn't here?"

"Would it be better if I didn't say anything?"

"Would it be better if I just left?"

...

There's just so many things and so many depressing and insecure thoughts that keep dragging me down that I honestly feel that I'm drowning in my own thoughts and tears again.

One on hand, it feels as if I had already adapted to this feeling of something, yet on the other hand, it just feels as if everything I grabbed hold of was simply nothing.

The feeling of holding something and losing it all over again;

The feeling of letting go so that I won't irritate the other person;

The feeling of the entire world laughing and mocking me;

The feeling of crying so much that I just want to die;

The feeling of not being able to cry;

The feeling of not feeling anything;

The feeling of adapting to feeling nothing;

And,

The feeling of wanting to just disappear.

Everything. Simply everything just terrifies me so badly I feel like stabbing myself just so I know that I'm alive, and that I need to keep alive.

But no, I'm to scared to cut myself. Yes. Scared. Terrified. 

"I just hate to see a body of myself without literal cuts."

Coward much? Yeah. True enough, I really do want to just disappear like that, but cutting myself is definitely not one of those options. I just... can't bring myself to cut a body which is the only thing I have left. I'm just terrified of getting not just mentally and emotionally hurt, but psychically as well.

"What a loser."

Yes. I do know that for a fact myself, and it burns.

To add on top of that, I'm unbelievably useless and slow at realizing the simplest shit as well.

The things that I realized- every single one of them,

Like how the world cruelly shapes each and everyone of us, leading us to walk towards different paths, making different choices and committing different mistakes;

People getting weaker due to all sorts of reasons, and people who get stronger after each endeavor and decides to become the predator instead of the prey;

People being overly enthusiastic vs people being extremely socially awkward.

Everything. Everything, is no one's fault at all. 

These are actually all very very simple things which almost everyone would know somewhere in their minds or hearts.
But for me, I needed to visualize so many things with my very own eyes so as to really awaken and realize all these points from deep within me. And to top it off, I just had to make such a big fuss over everything land blow mini facts like these up.

"Wow, how unbelievably useless you are." 

Yes. I am useless. I know that I just can't get anything right. And definitely, I also know that I'm not worthy to accept anyone's kindness or help because of who I am.

"Why not?"

"You're quite nice what."

"You're kind."

"You're pretty."

"You have a beautiful personality and that's all that matters."

That's what most of my close friends say to me.

But the only answer I have or can have, is just "no".

I just can't ever accept kind words like these because I know that deep inside, there's just so many other mes that are simply fake, ugly, disgusting, corrosive and destructive.

But people don't see that.

And that's exactly what I am scared, unthankful yet strangely thankful at the same time.

Scared, because I can't tell when anyone's gonna leave when they find out about the me or get tired and leaves me someday;

Unthankful, because I just don't want to corrode or contaminate everyone's beautiful selves by touching, speaking, or even by being near them;

Thankful, because I desperately need all these kind comments to keep myself together.

Horrified. Yes, that's the word.

Whenever I step onto school grounds, I just feel so alone, so foreign, so out of place that even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel as if I'm alone.
I thought that the holidays would be the perfect escape for me, but when the "holidays" came, all those thoughts and fears from last year just came flowing non-stop.
And even when the "holidays" are over now, those feelings just won't seem to go away.

It really seems as if I was all alone, in a place of complete darkness, a complete piece of nothing at all, without anyone - or anything - existing in this fake dimension, constantly tortured by all those other personalities that pop out every now and then like I'm a worn-out puppet.

Sometimes, especially at nights, I would just stare at absolutely nothing, have absolutely nothing in my mind, and tears would just start flowing.
And that, is definitely better than the other times, where I can feel absolutely nothing - no pain, no sadness, no nothing.
Just nothing at all.
It's so horrifying it terrifies me.

Imagine being trapped in a dimension at 1am in the morning in the room, staring at the your favorite anime posters yet seeing nothing but empty, blank spaces and no matter how much you try to think of anything, there's just nothing, and no matter how hard you force yourself to cry, the tears just won't flow.

I just hate it so much.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to get rid of the thoughts of me not wanting to be normal.
I just want to find a perfect clique and stick with them through thick and thin.
I just want to be enveloped by hugs to rid my insecurities everyday.
I just want to laugh and forget about those voices for once.
I just want to live my life to the fullest and forget about all the disgusting suicidal thoughts.
I just want to scream, live, and be free.
I just want to find my family in KHR, in onepiece, in fairytail here in this world.
I just want to love and be loved.
I just want to find people who accept me for who I am.

I just want to be normal.

But can that ever become a reality, or would it be forever stuck as the perfect dream embedded in my nightmares every night?

What are dreams? 

What is reality?

Dreams- defined to be successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.

Reality- defined to be the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to a idealistic of notional idea of them; or, the state or quality of having existence or substance.

I just can't tell them apart anymore.

I don't have the strength nor the courage to split them up into two because although the very reason why it's destroying me is due to them being so perfectly entwined together, it is also the very reason why I can be saved sometimes and why I'm still alive.

"At least I'm still alive for now."

At least I'm still alive.

Well, I'm really desperately praying that I can have the courage to continue pushing on before I finally find the courage to just run into the kitchen to stab myself, or find the will to just jump off like that.

I'm really praying with all my might.

Okay I think I should really stop here today,
Ciao Ciao

Polar Opposites

So, I guess about three weeks passed since then.
And yes, I successfully got into a JC and am starting my studies now.

But well, things are just.. how and not how I expected and wanted it to be.

Firstly, orientation.
On the very first day of orientation camp, which is the first day when I reported to my new school, I was shocked, happy and nervous the moment I stepped into school.

Shocked, because I realized that only me and one other person got into this school which over thousands applied for as a first choice, and the very sad fact that the one other person, was someone I hoped wouldn't appear in my new school life. But well, despite the fact that we don't really like each other, we still talked to each other;

Happy, because I could finally start a brand new JC life and improve myself as a person both inside out, and be able to make the clique I've always dreamed of. Also, happy because IA didn't manage to get in and "destroy" me once again. I know that it is bad and wrong to be happy that she didn't make it in, but I was just really so relieved;

Nervous, because I started being really scared that I'll meet people who cannot accept me as a person, and that everyone would start distancing themselves from me thinking that I'm awkward or weird. And one more important thing- the fact that I would have to face guys.

But well, that was just the very start.

Later along the way, I started feeling extremely nervous as I met brand new people and had to talk to them like I was totally not socially awkward at all. I mean, just within the first few hours of orientation, all of the guys already became really close with each other, and some of the girls already started forming cliques. But thankfully, I managed to talk to a few friends and even became rather close with two of them, one of which loves anime like I did, and another, who has a extremely similar character as someone from my secondary school (who is very outgoing and cool-ish) and whom really really reminds me of Rick.

However, when the second day came, one of the other girls, who is clearly the popular clique type and precisely the type whom I have absolutely no idea how to communicate with, came and talked to my second friend and became really close with her. Immediately after that, the close friendship which I thought that I could have with the second friend completely vanished, just like that, and I was immediately back on square one.

Thankfully, I still had my other anime friend, (I'll be calling her Iris) there with me. Though it might sound like I'm closer with the other friend, it was only true on the first day because I communicated with her more in comparison with Iris. But well, despite being thankful for her existence here with me in my group, I still felt so so empty on the inside. Although Iris was someone who is awkward around people whom she doesn't click with (she told me so herself), I was still rather envious of her being able to communicate and laugh out with other people just like that.

"Never judge what's on the outside because the inside is the thing that matters" was what kept ringing inside my head, but it's just so hard. It was as if on one part of my head, an angel is telling me that Iris was trying her best to make friends and I should be happy for her, and yes, I do feel happy that she is able to make friends easily, but on the other side, it was as if a devil was plunging a knife deep into my stomach and telling me that that is something I would never achieve in my life no matter how hard I try.

But thankfully, because we had wet games throughout the entire afternoon on the second day, the fun my new group mates gave me managed to erase and push that little devil aside, and they allowed me to really enjoy playing the entire afternoon like the little kid in my dreams.

I was just so thankful to be able to see that little kid smiling so brightly, even though it was just a few hours.

But immediately that night, the little devil just came back and slapped me in the face.
IA appealed to my school through a CCA and managed to make it in out of the 500 over people who tried to appeal in.

That whole night, it was truly a painful long night because the thoughts of her coming in to ruin my life again just wouldn't stop flashing before my very eyes. I could imagine her making friends with all of my OG (orientation group) mates and just give me a smile that says "Look, I can do this way better than you" and continue putting her angels wings in front of everyone and make me pull out my devils thorns due to her angelic powers and successfully making me the bad guy even though she didn't do it on purpose.

Yes, I have to clarify, that she is an extremely kind and nice person who never gets angry, and yes, she could very well be the friend everyone wishes to have, but I just can't forget the fact that my two really really important friendships got "ruined" by her subconsciously. Maybe it even had nothing to do with her, but I just can't take the image of Kaye's crying face and Elex's disapproving look off my head.

I can't erase those two images no matter how hard I tried.

So that night, I wasn't able to sleep a wink despite my body feeling dead tired, and I just kept crying and crying and crying.
"Why did she have to come into my life to ruin it again?"
All I wanted, was just to start a brand new school life, create a brand new me, and calmly close my sad friendship chapter with her in my secondary school life and put a full stop to it.
That's all.

But despite that wish being so small that it wouldn't affect anyone else, it still couldn't be granted.

It's really just not fair.

With that, the third day came, and I started realizing more and more that I couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried. And to worsen my day even more, IA transferred and appeared in our school. The remaining of the orientation which I thought I could enjoy to my hearts content because of her absence  was immediately reduced by half.

"Just ignore her", "Pretend that she's not here" is what Iris and XCX (I met up with her that night to have a dinner with her) kept telling me. But it's just so hard. I just don't know how to bring the feelings deep inside me across to them.
"I can't just simply reset the button in my head and forget everything that I know about her." Her figure, her voice, her laughter etc. I can remember them so clearly because although my friendships with Kaye and Elex was indirectly ruined by her, we were really close friends.

I'm just so lost in this super complicated and twisted friendship I don't even know how I should go about this anymore.
I wish that I could forget, but there's just this small part of me who just stubbornly doesn't want to forget.

And before I knew it, the forth day came by. It was the day we were going off as groups off to Sentosa by ourselves and participate in activities there in the afternoon. The earlier part of the afternoon was probably one of the happiest moments I've felt since entering this school because while we were on our way there and stopping by a mall to have lunch, Iris and I became closer with two other friends. Although there are still other people whom I talk to and consider as friends, I was genuinely happy that I managed to make another two close friends from this orientation. Although the group the four of us formed was rather small, no words could describe how happy I was to be able to make friends like them so quickly.

But like I said earlier, it was only in the earlier parts of the afternoon. When we reached Sentosa and started playing team games, negative feelings just came pouring back. Everything we did afterwards as an OG were team games, which I was extremely good and bad at. For team games, I'm the type of person who can only play very well with a selected group of people, or even small groups, but can be so horrible at the exact same game if I were to play it with an entire class. I, too, don't understand why, but that's well, just how it is, and it really affected me a lot. I just gave a tired and nonchalant look the whole time, but deep inside, I really wanted to be part of the family as well.

I just hate this part of me who just simply can't do anything at all.

But well, at least the orientation camp allowed me to feel human at times, and yes, I'm really thankful to be able to be this happy after so long.

"Do you understand that you don't deserve this?"

was what I couldn't stop going around in my head the whole time and I felt so sick of myself I desperately wanted someone to slap me awake afterwards.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING."

Yes, despite it just being another "normal" girl anyone would find on the streets, despite it just being another "normal" girl who had fun for a day, I just can't stop getting the inferiority complex off.

Perhaps, this may be even worse than an inferiority complex.

The thought of me being worthless just keeps coming on.

Why?
Did my secondary school really change me this much?
What did I do to deserve this?
I just feel darker and darker by the day I really wish that I could bleach myself to hide my ugly self from myself.

And finally, orientation ended, and I was forced to leave all the close friends I've made over these few days and move on to my new class.

But just the moment I stepped and saw my new classmates, the inner me just collapsed.
Almost everyone in my new class already formed cliques and it was nearly impossible to fit in.

"How am I supposed to survive in this class for two years?"
kept screaming in my head.

And in the next moment, I saw IA and Iris happily talking together as they were in the same class. Whatever I desperately prayed for not to happened just flashed by in reality, and I just broke down.

I ran to the toilet during break and just cried and cried and cried.

I missed my OG mates already.
I missed being all alone at home not knowing anything.
I missed staring at the poster of Hibari the second I needed it.

That was probably the first time after so long that I couldn't contain my feelings in school, in front of people. Throughout the "lecture" after that, I just hugged my bag and tried to hide my hiccups and shaking from crying and I kept praying that everything would end soon.

It was so long since I last felt like collapsing so much.

Throughout the entire weekend, I just felt so tired both physically and mentally I felt so close to wanting to die. At times, the shaking just won't stop and I felt so cold, so empty, and so alone I couldn't breathe at all. It was just so miserable I wished that Monday would never come for me.

But it still did today.

Thankfully, just during the previous night, Iris texted me and we talked about so many things. We even exchanged our blog names. Although we just met, I just felt safe in confiding all these to her. And after reading the previous posts, without even thinking, she just stood on my side against all my unknown enemies out there just because she treated me as a friend and she wanted to protect me. When I read that, I was just so lost that tears couldn't stop flowing. It was really the first time anyone was willing to do that for me. Me.

Words just can't describe how much I appreciate and am thankful for this friend.

Because of her, I managed to muster up all the courage I had left and came to school this morning. Then, I started talking to some people and took that really big step in making friends with them. I'm so relieved that I did because finally, after so long of running away, I finally took the step forward and moved one step out.

It was as if I were taking a step out into the light from the darkness, yet, it was as also as if I were taking a step out into the dark from my own "light".

I didn't know if I made the right choice, but I really really pray with all my heart and might that I did.

Really, with all my might.

Well, I think I've perhaps typed a little too much.
I guess, that'd be it for now,
Ciao Ciao

Cuts.

Just yesterday, I collected my O Level results.
Somehow, I kinda expected myself to get this results, yet somehow I don't.

After deducting the four bonus points I had, my L1R5 is now a 8, and my L1R4 is a 5. It's not remarkably good, but it's not that bad either. I can't recall how I really felt when I saw my name appear on the screen, because I only expected myself to do better than this, or worse than this.

The whole time, what I was more worried about was my surroundings, not my results.

Yes, I was extremely worried about it for the past week, and even the past month in fact, because I wanted to do well. I really wanted to get results which were so good, that I could make the relatives who looked down on my dad take back their insulting words.
I also wanted to make my parents feel proud and happy and not grieve for me for getting poor results. I know that even though they keep telling me to just give in my best and that the results don't matter, but I just know deep inside that they'll cry for me if I do badly.
They just worry so much for me.

Sometimes, I really honestly feel that I don't deserve their care and love, because I'm just not worth it. At all.

But what made me have butterflies in my stomach yesterday, were really not my results. It was my "friends". Just before I collected my results, my form teacher came up to me and talked to me. As she kinda knows that I've been going through a lot of things the past year, she just came up to me and smiled at me and comforted me a while. As she left, she just left three words with me,

"You did well."

That did it. After she said that, I completely lost all my worries for my results. But as she walked away, the "friends"in front of me just turned around and said,

"See, you did well already, now you don't have to worry anymore right.",

and they just turned around, as if they weren't happy at all.

I know that they were worried, and yes, I was indeed a little worried as well. But they just disregarded me and just pushed me aside once my form teacher said that.

Then, our school principal and her vice gave us an thirty over minutes talk before announcing the results. Then, I was anticipating for my name to appear on the screen. I really tried to push away all other thoughts which were lingering and was really looking forward to seeing my name up there.
But as the pages past, and the number of distinctions dropped at the next page, I started to not feel anything anymore.

I didn't want a five distinction cert. I really didn't want something like that.

I know that I wasn't worth the seven or six ones, but I really just didn't want to be the last. (The names of the people with five distinctions or more all appeared on the screen, starting with the most number of distinctions) On the last page, as I saw my name finally, I just cried.

Everyone thought that I cried because I was so happy that my name was up there, but I cried, because my name was on the last page. I hated being the last, more than anything else, really. So I just cried and cried while hugging my bag, before the principal announced my name to stand up.
What was even worse was that, just as the principal announced the name of the girl before me, I already pushed my bag aside, waiting for my turn. It was just so embarrassing that the moment I did that, I wanted to just dig and hole and hide. It was as if I was very eager to stand up, but I really wasn't.

I just want to hurry and get this thing over and done with.

Then, the moment we collected our results from our teachers.
Everyone was crying because they either did better than they expected, or had gotten horrible results. As the people who were sitting beside me all went away and talked with others, I just felt so alone that I couldn't help but tear up. I forced myself not to cry - at least not yet - and I just hugged my bag as tightly as I could, praying that I could just collect my results and just go.

But every time I looked up, I just saw people whom I thought might come up and talk to me just walk away like that. It really seemed as if they hated me for getting results better than them, and that I didn't deserve that results at all. Well, yes, I do agree with them, but it still hurts. The friend who regarded me as a "sister", Light, and all of the people I wanted to say goodbye to because that was the last day.
And when people saw the tears in my eyes, they just sneered at me and just told me that "I didn't have to worry about my results anymore" nonchalantly. As they all said that, I just felt so suffocated and in pain I wanted to run to a corner and just cry my eyes out.

"Didn't they know how much their words and expressions hurt?"

During the last time I looked up, I just saw IA crying and crying non-stop. Park (who sits right in front of me) just ran towards her and comforted her. Sometimes, I really wondered if Park ever regarded me as a friend. I certainly always talked to her when she needed it, even whenever everyone "throws" her aside, but every time something happens, she'll never hesitate to just forget about me and walk off. Honestly, if I ever had one thing I regretted in the last two years of my school life in that school, I think it'd be making "friends" with her. She really was the worst friend I think I've ever made. She really insults me whenever she likes (even as I am comforting her), and she always makes excuses to me when she treats me like shit. But somehow, now it's all over.

The person who really really really hurt me yesterday, was Elex. Soon after Park ran towards IA as she was crying, Elex also ran forward to her and tried to comfort her. As things between me and IA got really tense and awkward now, I just sat at wherever I was, silently waiting for my results for collection. But when Elex turned and saw me sitting where I was and not comforting IA with them, she just looked at me with really - no, extremely - displeasing eyes and was just really angry at me.

I will never forget that particular look and those eyes she gave me.

It didn't look completely like anger, nor disappointment, nor anything. It was as if she just disapproved of whatever I was doing when she didn't know of anything.

It just stung so so bad, I really couldn't take it anymore.

Throughout the whole of last week, as I waited for the day where I would collect my results, what I really wanted from all of my "friends", was a hug from her, and with her telling me that everything was okay even though I knew nothing was. I wanted to just say goodbye to her one last time before I closed the chapter on my secondary school life.

But I couldn't even do something as simple as that.

Her disapproving look just made me so disappointed, so sad, so in pain that all I felt was regret, regret and regret.

I really regretted coming to this school.
I really never ever felt this bad before, but yesterday really made me change my feelings after enduring four long years here.

After. Four. Long. Years.

After that, I just ran to collect my results, notified my parents about it, and walked out of school, crying and crying and crying non-stop. Not wanting to see anyone's face, I just plugged in my earpiece and removed my glasses and ran and cried. To others, it seemed like I've received horrendous results, and being the person who cared about her image more than anyone else, I should just went home and cry in a corner, but I didn't.

I really couldn't care less about anything anymore.

Everything just hurts so much I didn't even know what I was doing.
All I could remember now from yesterday afternoon was that I kept crying and crying and crying, and till I had no more energy to even speak, I carried myself home like a zombie.

When I reached home, I just sat down on the sofa and stared at the television. Looking at the couple on the screen, I started tearing again. I kept thinking about Kyou, but I just couldn't see him anywhere. It's as if he was still at school, comforting that girl who had already reached home.

During the evening, people started texting me and congratulating me, but I really couldn't feel anything. All of my "friends" texts felt like sarcasm and it really feels like they are mocking me. But I still replied anyway.

"It's going to be the last few days before you completely disappear from their lives," was what made me go on, but I really feel like a zombie then. I really really was just so tired from everything. But don't be mistaken, I'm not thinking about committing suicide- Not yet.

And the really funny thing is, just when I've decided to close up myself from this one part of my life, from all of those people, the friend who regarded me as a "sister", I shall call her XCX, called me to apologize for not finding me earlier and kept comforting me and all. Earlier just now, Light texted me to read my mail, and I saw her "letter" to me, giving me all sorts of advice and comforts.

I should feel thankful, I know that, but all I can really think as of now is-

"Where were you guys when I really needed you?"

When I finally decide to wrap and cover my ugly and sick self from everyone after all of them shouted and forced me to, why are they trying to pull my barrier and pry my torn and tattered self open all over again?

Don't they know that spreading salt on open wounds hurt so much?

Why are people always hurting me so much (and saying that they didn't know that they did afterwards) and then coming back shortly to comfort me again just to throw me away?

I AM NOT A TOY.

I have feelings. Extremely sensitive feelings that some people didn't know about. But it's not that they don't know. It's that they chose to forget that fact and push it aside and bring up their so-called "kindness" whenever they "need" me.

IT HURTS.

I am really just this close to breaking down. Just so so close.
My family is the only one that's keeping me together now, yes, my two families.
But what is gonna happen when one side of them disappears completely, and the other side doing things subconsciously that might cause me to break?

The cuts on my body - although I'm not meaning it literally - are becoming more and more visible, and it's really getting difficult to hide them now. I really wonder when I can ever reveal them to someone who can protect me from all these pain - or will I be too late already?

Well, I just don't know anymore.

So tired of all these shit;
So tired of everything;
So tired of everyone.

I wonder if the new school I'll be going to will be worse, I honestly pray that it'll not be.

Please. I'm really praying with all I have left now.

Well everyone, hope you wish me luck.

Till next time,
Ciao Ciao

Juxtaposition

12th January.
Yes, that's tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally the day when I'm going to collect my O Level results.
But right now, I just can't seem to properly know what I even feel. Panic? Of course. Fear? Yes of not doing well. But more than that, there's just something which is just stuck deep at the bottom of my throat and I just can't seem to make out what that is.

I can still remember the time when I collected my express Chinese O Level cert last year, that very moment before I collected my very own results. As our higher mother tongue group was a rather small one, and with the other sec 4 seniors who retook their Chinese O level at the end of the year, also not forgetting that the average results for our Chinese was rather low, I was simply so terrified of not being able to get my A1 when I see all my other higher Chinese friends smile happily with their satisfied results (I was the last to receive mine). But just so thankfully, I did manage to clutch the A1 which I wanted, and needed. I can still remember how my tears just subconsciously flow the moment I flipped the piece of paper over. I was just so happy and relieved.

However, the thought which keeps circling round me these few days is simply a "What if this year is different?", and it just is simply enough to drive me crazy. I know that I can actually do quite well if I studied, but one thing is already definite and I can no longer change it- I didn't. I already lost track of how many panic attacks I've had when I think of me collecting my results tomorrow, or how many litres of tears I cried for just this one thing. I'm just so scared, so terrified I just don't know what to do.
But well, I guess it is time tomorrow and I can no longer run away.

Now, as to why this post is titled "juxtaposition".

Over this one month, which is also the last month of holiday which I might possibly have left if I did manage to get into JC successfully, as usual, thoughts kept running wild in my head.

When all my other "friends" are enjoying their holidays together, doing the things that they have all planned before Os ended, I'm just stuck at home everyday, doing nothing at all. Nothing, meaning that I really cannot remember what I've went through this past one month. Well, I did hang out with one of my friend quite a few times, and just when I decided to make her the friend which I trust most, I just don't know if I should the next minute. This friend of mine is a really nice friend but with a terrible plight at home. A lot of things happened at her home, and she had to work to try to earn some money. She certainly had been through a lot, as not just her family issues, but in school right before break started, something happened between her and her best friend and they fell apart. She has tried to move forward now, and is doing pretty well, and because I went all that "tough times" with her, she regards me as her "sister" somewhat now.

That made me very happy, really. But honestly, every time I decide to just devote everything into this friendship, a question always pull me back.
"If she was able to get back with her clique and best friend, would I be thrown aside once again?"
And that question was enough to make me hold back whatever I intended to do.

It really hurts having doubts about every single thing, really.
Friends, are really something that I desperately need, apart from my family, in order to make me feel "normal" and not fall apart. But every time I devote myself in a friendship, there will always be a loophole somewhere. It's always either that friend leaves me or just treats me as a backup and just simply throw me aside whenever she doesn't need me anymore.
It really hurts.
If the pain I feel each time is double the previous one and I was able to look at all my injuries, I'd be covered with scars all over my fat and ugly body.

Just last week, I went back to watching KHR and tried to continue my story which I was supposed to complete during my break. But as I watched on, it just made me feel more and more empty, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and stopped watching it completely.

I don't recall if I ever stated this, but this story I'm talking about, is a story where I lived in the KHR world with my parents and two brothers happily and fitted in perfectly.

Ichinomiya Souichirou 一宮宗一郎- My father
Tachibana Mizuki 立花美希- My mother
Ichinomiya Toshiki 一宮俊樹- My oldest brother
Ichinomiya Keichi 一宮啓一 - My second brother

And finally,

Ichinomiya Miki 一宮美季 - Me

Here, the perfect family which I've always wanted.

But as I continued writing the story as I watched the anime, the more I feel that Miki can fit into it, and the me in reality can't. Miki is someone which I've always felt that is me, but isn't me at the same time. Her personality, looks, character and all- they are all just things that I wished that I had but can never receive because of who this me really is.

This then got me thinking that night. So, after all this time, is the Kyou (Hibari) I've been imagining all this time really comforting me, or is he comforting Miki? Is the Miki which I created to be me really me? Is the family which had been saving me millions of times really my family? Is everything just a illusion?
Obviously, the answer to the last question is a simple "yes", but I really don't know and cannot see it as a yes. I can't explain this feeling, but this "family" of mine is a very important reason for me to keep moving on and stand up every time after I fall, and most of the times, I can really feel them here with me, but nowadays, that feeling is starting to disappear.

It's as if I can no longer fit in anywhere anymore.
That feeling is just so suffocating that I sleep crying every night and wake up crying every morning.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I am just simply so scared to.

And to make matters worse for me, the songs sang by Soraru which calms me down every time I listen to in the past, seems to sound so quick now whenever I listen to them. Soraru's slow comforting voice which always helped me to stop crying seems to be playing in an extremely fast speed now. I know that the song had always been the same, with the speed and all, but it just sounds so different now. And yet, despite the songs having the opposite effect of calming me down, it somehow feels as if the song I'm listening to can relate to the feeling within me and I just can't seem to stop listening to it every night before I sleep.

It is as if the songs are making me cry so that I can feel worn out and finally sleep.

I wonder when was the last time when I managed to get a nice, comfortable sleep. One month? Two months? Half a year? Well, I just can't remember anymore.
Everything is just so mixed up together I feel like the insides of my head and my feelings are all just in a big washing machine, all swirled up and entangled with each other.

I just feel so conflicted.

Just a while ago, I remember saying that my mother wanted me to visit the psychiatrist to get some depression pills for myself. I said okay, but deep down what I felt was exactly opposite. I needed those depression pills, but deep down I feel that counseling wouldn't help me and more than that- I didn't want to get treated. Ironic isn't it? For someone who constantly says that she wants to be normal soon, she said that she didn't want to get treated. I didn't know of this feeling at first, but this idea struck me recently as I remembered the time when my mother told me that she can't find a psychiatrist through the school as I already graduated in a sense. At that particular moment, I just felt so relieved.

I didn't really know why I felt that way initially, but after laying on bed and thinking about a lot of things this few days, it just all came to me. Being the person I am now, the helpless depressed over-thinking sensitive emo kid, it allowed me to be alive. "Crying" my way through things, having this constant state of not feeling normal allowed me to think about the people who care about me, like my parents and my favorite aunt and uncle, and stop myself in time whenever I wanted to do something stupid. Since I didn't know what it feels to be normal right now, this state actually helps me to stop myself from doing what I always wanted to do at the back of my head.
If I did manage to get "cured" and feel "normal", I just know that I would believe that whatever that I'm doing will be "normal" and that it is okay to do whatever normal people can do since I'm already normal.

Then, I will just break from within and think that dying is actually okay.

Yes, I do want to get rid of myself so bad I didn't mind running to the top floor of my home building and just jumping off like that to end my pain, but I don't want my parents to cry over something as stupid as me dying. It's not worth their tears.

I'm just not worth anything.

I don't like to think this way, honest, but this thought just keeps popping in my head every now and then. It's almost as if there's a devil at the back of my head (I'm pretty sure there is one) telling me my worth each and every time. Like it's a me denying my existence.

I know that a holiday is a period of time where people thoroughly enjoy themselves, but it seems that I spent my holidays making myself more miserable than ever. Well, I think I am just so messed up in the inside that even I don't know myself anymore.

I really miss the me from last time. Somehow, I can just picture the me-s from all ages crying over times when I'm so messed up, times when I'm bullied, and times when I'm just so lost and alone. I really wish that I could magically appear before each and all of them and give them a hug and tell them that "It's okay". But is everything really okay? What I really need is a real life Kyou standing right before me, hugging me, patting my back gently and just gently comforting me till I'm feeling better. But I guess that's impossible huh. Well, that's just me and my imaginations left now I guess.

Well, that's it for now.
Ciao Ciao

Reality.

I guess around three months have passed again.
Honestly, I don't particularly like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems that I can't seem to type things immediately after something happens. Once again, many things have happened and before I leave anything out, I decided to type it all out now. I don't want to lose a place where I think I can belong - even if it's just for a short while - anymore.

One of the biggest things that happened within these three months was something that have hit me real real real hard.
Just a few days - just two days in fact - before my Os, Rick passed away.

Just like that.

The things which I thought usually happened only in television dramas actually took place right smack in my face. When I heard the news, I was first dumbstruck and wasn't able to believe it at all. But when all the instagram posts of wishing her all the best in her next journey came, reality really struck me.

Tears wouldn't stop flowing, and I just cried and cried and cried.

I just couldn't believe that she left. Just like that. She was someone who is always so positive; someone who always brought smiles to everyone's faces. Despite the many things that happened between us, she didn't treat me as if I were invisible. She still tried to reduce the awkwardness between us whenever we met on school corridors or at the canteen. Like what everyone else says, she was definitely guaranteed a spot in the best schools with her brains and grades in school, and she definitely deserved much more.

But she just left us.

Everyone cried really hard. Especially the thirteen people in clique. And this was especially bad because it was just a few days before our major exams, and after seeing her laying beautifully in her coffin, I (and I believe everyone else too), was unable to forget that picture.

It was just simply too depressing.

I thought that after 2 years, I would have long forgotten how it feels like to have a friend like her, but no. I still miss her so much. And yes, this particular incident just stirred up everything within me. It honestly made me realize just how fragile life is. I thought that losing her as a close friend was already bad enough. But only when she passed away, that I realized that never being able to see this friend anymore hurts much much more.

Everything is just simply so warped that it is so scary, so disgusting, so empty.

I just couldn't seem to stop asking why it wasn't me who went instead of her.

"Why choose someone who is so wanted here instead of someone who is wanted to disappear?"

And honestly after that, I just couldn't, and didn't want to give anything a damn anymore. I know that Os is important, and if I didn't put in all the effort I have, my future could be destroyed, but screw that, I don't want to study. It's definitely not Rick's fault for my thinking after that, really, but it's just that I so tired, so lazy, that I just couldn't care less. I know that deep inside, I still care, but whatever, I can't see my future anyway.

Somehow, it really seemed as if the Gods up there are joking with me or just punishing me for everything that I did because just after I decided to pass a birthday gift to Kaye, and we started to text a little, and after I got over all those precious messages which got deleted after my phone broke down again, this happened.

It really is as if I can't ever experience being normal again.

"But what exactly is being normal?" is a question I would ask myself while laughing every once in a while. What a joke.

Then, after I thought that I could possibly recover from this - even if it's just a little - my friendship with IA cracked and broke down. Everything just couldn't work out anymore. Despite me being the one who initialed it, and me telling myself that I would never regret this decision, it still kinda stings. Even though IA did annoy and piss me off at times, I won't deny that she has also brought me a lot of laughter with all her "crazy" antics. We were very different in terms of almost everything, but despite that, we were still very close and could joke around with so many things.

Sometimes, I really wished that time could rewind till the time when something started going wrong so we could fix it and everything would have it's perfect ending, but sometimes I don't. I'm just so conflicted that at times, I really wished that I could lose all my memories and forget about every single thing.

The fears, the pain, the emptiness within. I wished that I could just forget them all.

When I was at Taiwan during the eleven weeks from around two weeks ago, I was constantly reminded of really painful things. The feeling of being able to be in a place where I wouldn't know anyone and with nobody to recognize me, it just felt so surreal, so fake, that I just keep having the feeling that it was all a fantasy and I kept wanting to get back to Singapore - the place with all the reality in place - immediately. It's just so painful to know that I can't even feel at ease even in a place which should originally keep me happy anymore.

I hate reality, really, but without it, I can hardly breathe anymore.

I honestly just don't know what is it exactly that I want anymore.

Throughout this month after my Os, almost everyday is tiring. The life which I always earned for when I still had to go to school is just so different from the live I am living now. I just feel like I'm floating aimlessly with all these emptiness in a filthy land, unable to see; unable to hear; unable to feel. It really feels worse than living in hell somehow, though I know that hell is so scary that I might cry myself awake if I ever dream of me being in one.

I thought that not being able to see anybody would truly be a blessing for me, but honestly, it is really times like these that I just feel so painfully alone even though I know that anime is here for me.

This was also when I realized how nice it would be to be able to be immune to loneliness, and how terribly painful and sad to not being able to feel anything.
Is this how Hibari has been feeling all these while, that he just hates the idea of people crowding in front of him in KHR?

Somehow, it is as if I can understand how he feels now. Like him perhaps, I'm just so sick and tired of the fake covers beneath everybody and the disgusting smiles each of them has that I can't even feel any presence of warmth even when I with people. With friends, I just felt even more alone knowing that all of them are fake. Even the ones whom I thought who wouldn't betray my feelings would still go ahead and stab me in the back one day, so is there any point at all?

This reality of the world is so disgusting that I feel nauseous whenever I think of it.

And this just truly makes me feel so dark in the inside.

Like yesterday, some people just always remind me of how ugly I truly am. I know that it's disgusting to want to look nice and be acknowledged just to make myself feel better, but when a lady asked my friend if she was interested in being a model when I'm beside her and gave me an apologetic look for not asking me, and a guy which confessed to my other friend in my presence and looked at me awkwardly because she looked prettier than me, I just felt so ugly and grossed about myself.

I truly am ugly both on the inside and outside huh.

"You're digusting!"
"Just disappear!"
"Vanish, you freak!"

These were words that the inner me told myself yesterday after the latter incident (where my friend got confessed to), when I was at the bottom of my block. When I just have to know of this reality, I just kept screaming inside my head to make the voices get out. It was really so painful that I just couldn't stop shaking even when I hugged and buried my head in my knees. Tears just kept flowing and I cried and cried and cried.

I never knew that I was such a crybaby who cried over every single thing.

I just really hate everything about everything, and anything about anything.

I just don't know what I should even do anymore.

Well, sorry for ending off in such a depressing note after so long, but I honestly couldn't care less anymore.

That's all I have for now,
Ciao Ciao

Depression

So... I'm back. I know that it's been months since I last typed something here, but well, here I am again. So many things happened during these short two months but I just can't seem to put them all in words. As of now, sadly, emotional problems and studies are still two huge blocks blocking me away from everything else.

Firstly, emotional problems.

Yes, I know I've constantly repeated similar emotional problems from time to time, but it's somehow, I just can't seem to understand why I can't use the same feelings to face these issues over and over again. Every time I face something new, the impact is always twice as hard as the previous ones. And during the start of last month, I broke down in front of my parents again, despite desperately trying so hard not to. My mum and dad got so worried that they got me to see a counselor. 

But seeing the counselor only made things worse.

During the midst of the counselling session, I told the counselor quite a bit of things because I wanted to trust her, and I genuinely wanted to take a huge step so that I could move towards being normal again. But somehow, at some parts, I just can't control myself and lied about a few things. As of now, I honestly couldn't remember much of what we said during the counselling session, but towards the end, she came to the conclusion that I was suffering from depression. To many others, they may feel that I'm still the "happy, kind and responsible" classmate and never believe me if I ever were to tell them that I suffered from depression, but there was one thing that my friend (someone I could confide to) told me. She told me that depression is something that only the sufferer can feel and be affected by, and only the sufferers themselves can see the sufferings and chose to hide them so that others would not worry. It's true. I'm sure that many people in the world out there are suffering from depression, but because they chose to hide them to prevent others from worrying,they end up hurting themselves a lot more. I'm not trying to make myself look better, but this is a fact.

Before me and my counselor ended the session, she actually recommended me to visit a psychiatrist to get myself a cure and some anti-depression pills. But I rejected her offer. After the whole counselling session, one thing that became very very clear to me was the fact that counselling sessions just never help me at all. Three years ago, when I visited my school counselor as recommended by my friend, the counselor just went on telling me what I should do before properly listening to what I had to say. She didn't bother standing in my position at all. And throughout, I had to smile to her, acting like she was actually giving a huge help when all she did was blabber about her so called "facts". It was actually very suffocating and painful in the inside to endure all of these.

One main thing that I could remember from the counselling session in the beginning of last month was one sentence that she said before sending me away.

"It's not your fault." 

After she said this, the me inside just collapsed. As my parents were waiting for me outside to go home after she spoke to them about me, the first thing I did was to request of them to allow me to walk home alone. But they didn't allow it because it was already late at night. Because of that, I lost my last chance to cry like how I always did. 

Now, no matter how painful I was or how suffocating I felt, I couldn't cry anymore.

Because she told me that it's not my fault, that I'm not the evil person that I was like how I thought I was, I lost the barrier within me that another me was created to protect myself. I know that it is really ironic of how a me who always make me think that I'm bad helped me, but that person, was the reason how I could cry whenever I wanted to. Because she kept telling me about how bad I was, I was able to blame myself whenever I did something wrong, and cry out all the guilt I had within me and made myself feel better. But now that the barrier was gone, I couldn't make this brain of mine think that I'm at fault despite being so crooked and horrible and allow myself to cry like how I used to do it. Even if I cried now, the tears that flow doesn't east my pain one bit. It just made me hurt even more.

This hurts so so much, that I've already planned of my suicide.

I know that its stupid to end my life just like that, and I would definitely hurt my parents who love me so much, but I really can't seem a point in living anymore. All I can see is the pain and sufferings people around me feels, and how dark the world actually is. I wouldn't die yet, not now, but I really don't know when that rubber band would snap and then, it's goodbye.

During 29 August, when the level of our school visited NUS to see how life is like in a university, it kind of thoroughly destroyed my friendship with IA. During the trip, IA was constantly being dragged away by another friend forcefully. This really made me think of one thing, and that is that I really really do fail as a friend. 

"People are coming to me because of her, or leaving me because of her."

Whenever I make a new friend, despite becoming really close, IA would "steal the spotlight" away from me whenever she comes near me and starts the conversation with that friend and they would be even closer together than I was to that new friend. It was somehow as if I was a matchmaker for IA to spread her circle of friends. I know that this most probably isn't the case, but somehow, I'm really starting to feel that I kind of "lost my value" as a close friend to IA because I've stopped finding new friends and establishing new friendships, and this is indirectly causing IA to stop making as many new friends as in the past. I know that I'm really bad for looking at things this way, but sometimes, I really just can't help it.

Now, whenever I see her with that other friend that she is close with, I don't feel anything anymore. In the past, whenever I see my close friend being that close to someone else, there would be this possessive feeling and I would feel really annoyed that my friend is being so close to someone else and not to me. I would always get this "jealousy" feeling. But now, I really don't feel anything anymore. This feeling is so bad that it's making me think that it's okay even if I lose this friendship. IA keeps telling me that she treasures me more than how she treats other friends, and yes, I can see that sometimes, but for the me now, I don't feel anything anymore. I do feel happy when she told me that I'm perhaps the closest friend that she has made in her secondary school life or life (idk) but I really can't feel anything more than that. And really, to me, this is the worst point a friendship can actually go because when one party feels this way, it's game over. 

No matter how hard the other party tries, nothing can save this friendship anymore. 

I really didn't expect that other friend to affect our friendship this much, but really, things just somehow became this way and we can't go back to how things were before anymore. I don't want IA to put in so much into this friendship solely because it'd be unfair to her, but really, despite saying that things would definitely get better after O Levels, I really don't think that that would happen anymore. Maybe if it were a week before, yes, but now, this feeling of nothing at all just makes me feel like things won't ever become better anymore. And somehow, despite feeling sad and disappointed, I feel kind of... glad because this means that our sufferings would officially come to an end and she can move on to the next chapter of her life. That would be better for her.. right?

Well, leaving other things aside, I think that's pretty much all for now, excluding the studies part which I unfortunately am too lazy to continue typing.

Till next time,

Ciao ciao