Cuts.

Just yesterday, I collected my O Level results.
Somehow, I kinda expected myself to get this results, yet somehow I don't.

After deducting the four bonus points I had, my L1R5 is now a 8, and my L1R4 is a 5. It's not remarkably good, but it's not that bad either. I can't recall how I really felt when I saw my name appear on the screen, because I only expected myself to do better than this, or worse than this.

The whole time, what I was more worried about was my surroundings, not my results.

Yes, I was extremely worried about it for the past week, and even the past month in fact, because I wanted to do well. I really wanted to get results which were so good, that I could make the relatives who looked down on my dad take back their insulting words.
I also wanted to make my parents feel proud and happy and not grieve for me for getting poor results. I know that even though they keep telling me to just give in my best and that the results don't matter, but I just know deep inside that they'll cry for me if I do badly.
They just worry so much for me.

Sometimes, I really honestly feel that I don't deserve their care and love, because I'm just not worth it. At all.

But what made me have butterflies in my stomach yesterday, were really not my results. It was my "friends". Just before I collected my results, my form teacher came up to me and talked to me. As she kinda knows that I've been going through a lot of things the past year, she just came up to me and smiled at me and comforted me a while. As she left, she just left three words with me,

"You did well."

That did it. After she said that, I completely lost all my worries for my results. But as she walked away, the "friends"in front of me just turned around and said,

"See, you did well already, now you don't have to worry anymore right.",

and they just turned around, as if they weren't happy at all.

I know that they were worried, and yes, I was indeed a little worried as well. But they just disregarded me and just pushed me aside once my form teacher said that.

Then, our school principal and her vice gave us an thirty over minutes talk before announcing the results. Then, I was anticipating for my name to appear on the screen. I really tried to push away all other thoughts which were lingering and was really looking forward to seeing my name up there.
But as the pages past, and the number of distinctions dropped at the next page, I started to not feel anything anymore.

I didn't want a five distinction cert. I really didn't want something like that.

I know that I wasn't worth the seven or six ones, but I really just didn't want to be the last. (The names of the people with five distinctions or more all appeared on the screen, starting with the most number of distinctions) On the last page, as I saw my name finally, I just cried.

Everyone thought that I cried because I was so happy that my name was up there, but I cried, because my name was on the last page. I hated being the last, more than anything else, really. So I just cried and cried while hugging my bag, before the principal announced my name to stand up.
What was even worse was that, just as the principal announced the name of the girl before me, I already pushed my bag aside, waiting for my turn. It was just so embarrassing that the moment I did that, I wanted to just dig and hole and hide. It was as if I was very eager to stand up, but I really wasn't.

I just want to hurry and get this thing over and done with.

Then, the moment we collected our results from our teachers.
Everyone was crying because they either did better than they expected, or had gotten horrible results. As the people who were sitting beside me all went away and talked with others, I just felt so alone that I couldn't help but tear up. I forced myself not to cry - at least not yet - and I just hugged my bag as tightly as I could, praying that I could just collect my results and just go.

But every time I looked up, I just saw people whom I thought might come up and talk to me just walk away like that. It really seemed as if they hated me for getting results better than them, and that I didn't deserve that results at all. Well, yes, I do agree with them, but it still hurts. The friend who regarded me as a "sister", Light, and all of the people I wanted to say goodbye to because that was the last day.
And when people saw the tears in my eyes, they just sneered at me and just told me that "I didn't have to worry about my results anymore" nonchalantly. As they all said that, I just felt so suffocated and in pain I wanted to run to a corner and just cry my eyes out.

"Didn't they know how much their words and expressions hurt?"

During the last time I looked up, I just saw IA crying and crying non-stop. Park (who sits right in front of me) just ran towards her and comforted her. Sometimes, I really wondered if Park ever regarded me as a friend. I certainly always talked to her when she needed it, even whenever everyone "throws" her aside, but every time something happens, she'll never hesitate to just forget about me and walk off. Honestly, if I ever had one thing I regretted in the last two years of my school life in that school, I think it'd be making "friends" with her. She really was the worst friend I think I've ever made. She really insults me whenever she likes (even as I am comforting her), and she always makes excuses to me when she treats me like shit. But somehow, now it's all over.

The person who really really really hurt me yesterday, was Elex. Soon after Park ran towards IA as she was crying, Elex also ran forward to her and tried to comfort her. As things between me and IA got really tense and awkward now, I just sat at wherever I was, silently waiting for my results for collection. But when Elex turned and saw me sitting where I was and not comforting IA with them, she just looked at me with really - no, extremely - displeasing eyes and was just really angry at me.

I will never forget that particular look and those eyes she gave me.

It didn't look completely like anger, nor disappointment, nor anything. It was as if she just disapproved of whatever I was doing when she didn't know of anything.

It just stung so so bad, I really couldn't take it anymore.

Throughout the whole of last week, as I waited for the day where I would collect my results, what I really wanted from all of my "friends", was a hug from her, and with her telling me that everything was okay even though I knew nothing was. I wanted to just say goodbye to her one last time before I closed the chapter on my secondary school life.

But I couldn't even do something as simple as that.

Her disapproving look just made me so disappointed, so sad, so in pain that all I felt was regret, regret and regret.

I really regretted coming to this school.
I really never ever felt this bad before, but yesterday really made me change my feelings after enduring four long years here.

After. Four. Long. Years.

After that, I just ran to collect my results, notified my parents about it, and walked out of school, crying and crying and crying non-stop. Not wanting to see anyone's face, I just plugged in my earpiece and removed my glasses and ran and cried. To others, it seemed like I've received horrendous results, and being the person who cared about her image more than anyone else, I should just went home and cry in a corner, but I didn't.

I really couldn't care less about anything anymore.

Everything just hurts so much I didn't even know what I was doing.
All I could remember now from yesterday afternoon was that I kept crying and crying and crying, and till I had no more energy to even speak, I carried myself home like a zombie.

When I reached home, I just sat down on the sofa and stared at the television. Looking at the couple on the screen, I started tearing again. I kept thinking about Kyou, but I just couldn't see him anywhere. It's as if he was still at school, comforting that girl who had already reached home.

During the evening, people started texting me and congratulating me, but I really couldn't feel anything. All of my "friends" texts felt like sarcasm and it really feels like they are mocking me. But I still replied anyway.

"It's going to be the last few days before you completely disappear from their lives," was what made me go on, but I really feel like a zombie then. I really really was just so tired from everything. But don't be mistaken, I'm not thinking about committing suicide- Not yet.

And the really funny thing is, just when I've decided to close up myself from this one part of my life, from all of those people, the friend who regarded me as a "sister", I shall call her XCX, called me to apologize for not finding me earlier and kept comforting me and all. Earlier just now, Light texted me to read my mail, and I saw her "letter" to me, giving me all sorts of advice and comforts.

I should feel thankful, I know that, but all I can really think as of now is-

"Where were you guys when I really needed you?"

When I finally decide to wrap and cover my ugly and sick self from everyone after all of them shouted and forced me to, why are they trying to pull my barrier and pry my torn and tattered self open all over again?

Don't they know that spreading salt on open wounds hurt so much?

Why are people always hurting me so much (and saying that they didn't know that they did afterwards) and then coming back shortly to comfort me again just to throw me away?

I AM NOT A TOY.

I have feelings. Extremely sensitive feelings that some people didn't know about. But it's not that they don't know. It's that they chose to forget that fact and push it aside and bring up their so-called "kindness" whenever they "need" me.

IT HURTS.

I am really just this close to breaking down. Just so so close.
My family is the only one that's keeping me together now, yes, my two families.
But what is gonna happen when one side of them disappears completely, and the other side doing things subconsciously that might cause me to break?

The cuts on my body - although I'm not meaning it literally - are becoming more and more visible, and it's really getting difficult to hide them now. I really wonder when I can ever reveal them to someone who can protect me from all these pain - or will I be too late already?

Well, I just don't know anymore.

So tired of all these shit;
So tired of everything;
So tired of everyone.

I wonder if the new school I'll be going to will be worse, I honestly pray that it'll not be.

Please. I'm really praying with all I have left now.

Well everyone, hope you wish me luck.

Till next time,
Ciao Ciao