Insecurities.

"Guys.. Slow.. do..wn.."

The black haired girl couldn't stop panting as she desperately tried to catch up with the people in front of her.

She was running out of breath but everyone else didn't realise.

Everyone else were all just strolling in front, laughing and joking together, while she was running with all her might at the back, trying to catch up.

She was crying;
She was tired;
She wanted to give up;
But nobody noticed.

No one noticed at all.

Sometimes, I really think that I'm making a really big fuss out of nothing, like legit nothing, but I just can't help it. 

Insecurities just kill me.

I desperately want to get rid of it, but no matter how I run or how I hide, it just somehow always seem to just creep up behind me and eats me whole.

I just simply hate insecurities so much.

---

I love my cca friends- I really really do.

They are all wonderful people with great personalities.
They are all able to make many many friends effortlessly just with them being themselves.
They possess so much knowledge, own so many skills, know so many things that I have absolutely no idea about. For instance, topping school in academics, excellence in sports and music, and even gaming.

Sometimes, they just make me feel like a complete idiot.

But most importantly, they all know the exact things that should be said and what shouldn't be even uttered.

After being in an all girls school for 10 years and going through all those things that I never would've imagined I would, I've always thought that it was okay to apply the things that I knew to them, especially since they are like family to me, but apparently, they still told me straight in the face that I still needed to "draw the line" sometimes.

From the beginning, I already treated them as my family, and they knew that, so naturally, I would definitely do and say things that I would do to my real family.

But apparently I couldn't.

Despite most of the stuffs me doing were things that I thought that were okay to most people I've met in my secondary school, or even helpful at that, it seems that those things aren't okay for people here at all.
It's as if everything that I'm doing or saying now is completely wrong, and that everything that I;'ve been believing up till this point in my life were all lies.

It's as if all of them are strolling as a family forward in front of me while I'm desperately dashing forward to see if I'm  following behind on the path they are walking.

For instance, when me and two of my cca friends were having lunch together at pepper lunch today, both of them were engaging in a conversation about gaming, and they were just laughing amongst themselves at things that I have absolutely no clue about.

When I was with them, I always thought that not knowing about the latest "in-things" or games or whatsoever was okay.

But apparently it wasn't.
I just keep seeing myself as someone being labelled "the person who doesn't know anything at all".

People keep telling me that it is okay to not know about stuff or things that other people know about, but they have absolutely no idea how much it hurts to see them ALL laughing and talking about it while I could only stand here and stare helplessly or even fake a laughter so that I wouldn't look like an outcast because I have no slightest idea what they are talking about.
Although there is something called the internet, I have no idea how or where to start to be able to know as much things that a normal teen should know because I've been like this my whole life.

I just don't know how to go about making such a drastic change from not knowing anything at all to learning what everyone else does.

And even before that, when we were at the mrt station on our way to go for lunch, we somehow just started to talk about the exco selection for the cca.
At the exact moment when my friends told me who they were going to vote for, I just started feeling depressed, and I have no idea why.

Perhaps it was because I wanted to be part of the exco for the cca.

But honestly, I really didn't know that I wanted to be part of the exco this much.

Throughout the whole time when we were in the mrt train, I could feel the whole thing weighing down on me at the back of my head.

"So I'm not one of those people whom my friends thought was capable enough to do things for others."

And truthfully, that affected me a lot, especially since I failed to enter the student council in my current school, not that I really regret it.
From then on till now, I just can't stop having this impression that something went wrong with my leadership skills at some point in time and that I can't lead anymore.

To be very honest, although I always say it otherwise to everyone else, I like leading.
I like bringing people together to get things done on task and although this is a selfish reason, yes, I like the feeling of getting confirmations for small mini details as well.

For a really insecure person, well at least for me, even the tiniest confirmation like a simple "you did well" provides tons of comfort. The feeling of people giving constant confirmations reassures me. It tells me that I'm on the right track. It tells me that whatever I'm doing is correct and can be accepted.

But no, just no.

So it seems like I lost that part of leadership in me which i place a really high meaning for.

When i opened the twitter app just now to check on some stuffs and at the same time went to check out my friend's twitter to see how shes doing lately, she was talking about how stressed she was and I was very worried for her.
But when I chanced upon the tweet where she said that she was worried about whether she can get into exco too, she mentioned about how she was so scared of not being able to make it due to one other guy. (Both of them are the "main" candidates for the exco position.)

I was already tearing up due to all sorts of reasons, and because I was so worried for her that I wanted to cry for a friend, and the fact that her tweets were so relate-able, tears starting forming.

The moment I saw that tweet, the tears started to fall, and it was as if my eyes suddenly became a faulty tap, I wouldn't stop "crying".

The reason may seem small or even petty, (judge me all you want), but it really slapped me right in the face.

"Hah, you're of absolutely NO threat at all."

From the whole of my primary and secondary school life, I've held numerous leadership positions, and gained quite a number of recognition from my teachers and fellow leadership peers that I'm doing a good job and everything.
But now, it seems like what I've been doing all these while were all wrong.

I can't lead.

I don't deserve those recognitions.

I just... can't do it anymore.

The things which once looked so simple and natural to do suddenly all became so foreign and distant, that I don't know if I should or even have the ability to go after them anymore.

Yes, I detest people who always say that they can't do it and simply give up without even trying.
The fact that when they're given a choice of whether they could or could not do it and them choosing the latter makes me feel so irritated and disgusted.

However, I'm fit into those 3 categories - detestable, irritating, disgusting - perfectly most of the time.
I'm exactly the type of person which I hate the most.

I know being "tired of life" is probably one of the lamest and used excuse for people to give up, but sometimes, I am really really tired.

Tired physically;
Tired mentally;
Tired emotionally;
Tired psychologically.

Just plain tired.

I honestly don't see the point of waking up each day just to bring my physically tired body and worn-out soul to face "new challenges", pretend to be someone I'm not, smiling and laughing with everybody else even when all I feel like doing is escape into one corner and cry, worry about all the tiniest matters no one would even pay attention to, and feel hopelessly afraid that I might lose a friend due to my character, personality, whatever.

I mean, what's the point of living through the day just to go through all these turmoil?

Are the small bits and pieces of fun and "happiness" i get sometimes along the day worth the pain?

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

I would really really love to utter or even whisper a "maybe..?" somewhere along there, but it's simply so painful that I don't have the guts or will to overpower these negative thoughts and I just.. give in.

Death is scary, and I don't deny that I am scared, extremely scared, but Death also seems like the perfect getaway from this hell.

I just want to disappear from this never ending cycle of complete nothingness filled with pain.

"Coward."

Yes. I don't deny that. I can't deny that. I am a coward.

A hopeless coward that in the midst of wanting to seek death so much, still has that small tiny hope that someone who rescue me from this hell and hug me tight, pat on my head and tell me that's it's okay, and never ever ever letting go of me no matter how ugly, how horrible, how disgusting or how dark I am.

I mean,

Don't look at me with those eyes because they really really creep and scare the hell out of me.

Don't start talking to me if you are not prepared to deal with all these shit that I'm going through.

Don't become friends with me if you think that going through my shit with me or dealing with my random mood swings or whatsoever is too tiring for you.

Don't even enter my life if you're just gonna leave like everybody else.

Because I'm just so sick and tired,

of people leaving,

of the cycle of me
1. hiding shits from you before you manage to make me open up to you or to the world
2. you allowing me to realize that maybe I actually can have a reason to live and to love
3. you getting tired of me one day
4. you just leaving without a single word

And,

5. you pushing me back into hell again to experience pain double the times from before.

I'm so sick and tired of that.

I honestly just want to cry whenever i want;
I honestly just want to hug, and laugh, and do shit whenever i feel like it,

and not feel like the whole world is judging me for whatever I'm doing, even if its an extremely minor thing, because it means the world to me.

Blueticks.

Many friends told me that people often blutick me because they might be busy or that they didn't do it intentionally or anything.

Yea, maybe they're right.

But they just have no idea how one freaking blue or double tick affects me every single time, be it when I'm making a suggestion, me proposing something, or even when we're in the middle of a conversation, anything.

Like, did I say something wrong?
Or like did I make you angry?
Or did I hurt you subconsciously?

"Did I.. Did I.. Did I..?"

And when people ignore me on snapchat, I would have the exact same questions popping in my head, or worse, like

Were my snaps so uninteresting?
Or did i snap something inappropriate?

I honestly don't know why and how all these insecurities are eating me up even though it's such a small matter, and I just seem to like making a huge fuss out of nothing.

But I can't help it. I have no idea of when insecurities had became such a huge part of my life.

When people tell me that I'm thinking too much, yes, maybe I am thinking too much.

But then again, it's not like I can help it right, I mean, who in their right minds would want to make their lives so miserable if they could be happy and free and be capable of laughing over anything and everything and not worry about anything in the world?

Sometimes, I just want to scream in the faces if the people whom I know to just go away.
Really.

Just leave me alone.

"If you can't accept me for these minor details that mean so much to me that they all add up to infinity, or if my problems are affecting you negatively or anything,

Fine. Just leave. I really don't want to care anymore.

However, let me set this straight.
I didn't force you to come into my life or anything.
You were the one who made that decision.
Sure, you can leave.
I wouldn't blame you or anything, really.

But just a question.

If you're not even prepared to really become my friend, then why are you even here at all?

I mean, I know that I can be irritating and maybe my words or actions do hurt people sometimes.
But please know that right from the start, before I even opened up shit to you, I've already told you that I am not who I seem to be on the outside, and that I am extremely sensitive and all, and yet, you still chose to break past my barriers.

And when you finally start to see the disgusting piece of flesh inside of me, you start to feel that this is too gross, like nope I'm leaving.

Do you freaking know how much that would hurt me?

I took forever to build up these walls.

Sometimes, my tears also wash away the bricks or whatsoever needed to build the wall.
I am already giving myself enough trouble just by washing the materials away, and there you are, telling me that it is okay to break down the wall to let the me inside see the world.

But have you ever thought that that might perhaps make me more vulnerable than ever?

Do you know that once you leave, it's as if you've used the me inside of me against me, and stabbing me with the broken materials of my very own broken wall like its nothing?

Do you know how much that hurts?

Did you ever once put yourself in my shoes and see how much I'm bleeding?

Did you ever know how close I am to bleeding to death?

Did you ever?

No."

I didn't use to be like that.

Before all these happened, I was still a normal little innocent girl who believed in fairytales, who believed in best friend forever, and believed in all the goods of this world.

But what on earth happened?

The funny thing is that even I myself can't recall.

It was as if one day, everything just piled up and crushed me below, making me lose all my memories and only leaving the pain and scars behind.

Can I really say for sure that despite being that innocent little girl when I was younger, the me from the past wasn't this dark before?
Can I really say that the me from the past is actually very cute and kind?
Can I really say that the me from the past was the exact opposite of what the me now is?

Can I?

Can someone just please give me an answer?

Even if it's just a simple "yes" or a simple "no".

Because this abyss is really getting into me even as i try to pull myself out of it.
It's as if the more I struggle, the deeper I sink in.

Wait, I don't even have any idea what I'm saying anymore.

Well, I guess I should really stop here for today.
Ciao ciao