Dreams vs Reality

What are dreams? 

What is reality?

Does the world we're living in compromise of these 2 things?

Or does the world we're living in compromise of none?

Does it all even matter at the end of the day?

I really don't know, and deep inside, I don't want to know.

Honestly as of now, I don't even get why I'm depressed or why I'm not happy.

For anyone who looked at my instagram posts or the me in school, they'd all probably think that I'm really happy and this depressing side of me is a entirely fake crapped out bullshit.

It probably is, or it probably isn't.

Does it all sound very confusing? 

Well, it may be because there's just something about me that is off today. And yes, I have no idea what that thing is.

A month-ish has officially passed in school, and yes, although I told myself to become someone who sits in a corner and reads her books during breaks and all, I didn't. 

I chose to make friends just like how I did in secondary school.

However, there's just this one big difference that kept getting in my way, and that difference is called "change". I just can't seem to make friends as easily as I made in the past anymore. I can't hold conversations, nor can I even make a standing place for myself.

I just can't seem to do anything like how I used to anymore.

Nonetheless, I still managed to make some "friends" in my class, a couple of closer ones in my OG, and even more really close ones in my cca, and honestly, I don't know if that's even a good thing.

"Am I doing anything wrong?"

"Did I annoy them?"

"Is my awkward side showing again?"

"Would they choose me or her?"

"Am I even wanted?"

"Do they actually wish that I wasn't here?"

"Would it be better if I didn't say anything?"

"Would it be better if I just left?"

...

There's just so many things and so many depressing and insecure thoughts that keep dragging me down that I honestly feel that I'm drowning in my own thoughts and tears again.

One on hand, it feels as if I had already adapted to this feeling of something, yet on the other hand, it just feels as if everything I grabbed hold of was simply nothing.

The feeling of holding something and losing it all over again;

The feeling of letting go so that I won't irritate the other person;

The feeling of the entire world laughing and mocking me;

The feeling of crying so much that I just want to die;

The feeling of not being able to cry;

The feeling of not feeling anything;

The feeling of adapting to feeling nothing;

And,

The feeling of wanting to just disappear.

Everything. Simply everything just terrifies me so badly I feel like stabbing myself just so I know that I'm alive, and that I need to keep alive.

But no, I'm to scared to cut myself. Yes. Scared. Terrified. 

"I just hate to see a body of myself without literal cuts."

Coward much? Yeah. True enough, I really do want to just disappear like that, but cutting myself is definitely not one of those options. I just... can't bring myself to cut a body which is the only thing I have left. I'm just terrified of getting not just mentally and emotionally hurt, but psychically as well.

"What a loser."

Yes. I do know that for a fact myself, and it burns.

To add on top of that, I'm unbelievably useless and slow at realizing the simplest shit as well.

The things that I realized- every single one of them,

Like how the world cruelly shapes each and everyone of us, leading us to walk towards different paths, making different choices and committing different mistakes;

People getting weaker due to all sorts of reasons, and people who get stronger after each endeavor and decides to become the predator instead of the prey;

People being overly enthusiastic vs people being extremely socially awkward.

Everything. Everything, is no one's fault at all. 

These are actually all very very simple things which almost everyone would know somewhere in their minds or hearts.
But for me, I needed to visualize so many things with my very own eyes so as to really awaken and realize all these points from deep within me. And to top it off, I just had to make such a big fuss over everything land blow mini facts like these up.

"Wow, how unbelievably useless you are." 

Yes. I am useless. I know that I just can't get anything right. And definitely, I also know that I'm not worthy to accept anyone's kindness or help because of who I am.

"Why not?"

"You're quite nice what."

"You're kind."

"You're pretty."

"You have a beautiful personality and that's all that matters."

That's what most of my close friends say to me.

But the only answer I have or can have, is just "no".

I just can't ever accept kind words like these because I know that deep inside, there's just so many other mes that are simply fake, ugly, disgusting, corrosive and destructive.

But people don't see that.

And that's exactly what I am scared, unthankful yet strangely thankful at the same time.

Scared, because I can't tell when anyone's gonna leave when they find out about the me or get tired and leaves me someday;

Unthankful, because I just don't want to corrode or contaminate everyone's beautiful selves by touching, speaking, or even by being near them;

Thankful, because I desperately need all these kind comments to keep myself together.

Horrified. Yes, that's the word.

Whenever I step onto school grounds, I just feel so alone, so foreign, so out of place that even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel as if I'm alone.
I thought that the holidays would be the perfect escape for me, but when the "holidays" came, all those thoughts and fears from last year just came flowing non-stop.
And even when the "holidays" are over now, those feelings just won't seem to go away.

It really seems as if I was all alone, in a place of complete darkness, a complete piece of nothing at all, without anyone - or anything - existing in this fake dimension, constantly tortured by all those other personalities that pop out every now and then like I'm a worn-out puppet.

Sometimes, especially at nights, I would just stare at absolutely nothing, have absolutely nothing in my mind, and tears would just start flowing.
And that, is definitely better than the other times, where I can feel absolutely nothing - no pain, no sadness, no nothing.
Just nothing at all.
It's so horrifying it terrifies me.

Imagine being trapped in a dimension at 1am in the morning in the room, staring at the your favorite anime posters yet seeing nothing but empty, blank spaces and no matter how much you try to think of anything, there's just nothing, and no matter how hard you force yourself to cry, the tears just won't flow.

I just hate it so much.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to get rid of the thoughts of me not wanting to be normal.
I just want to find a perfect clique and stick with them through thick and thin.
I just want to be enveloped by hugs to rid my insecurities everyday.
I just want to laugh and forget about those voices for once.
I just want to live my life to the fullest and forget about all the disgusting suicidal thoughts.
I just want to scream, live, and be free.
I just want to find my family in KHR, in onepiece, in fairytail here in this world.
I just want to love and be loved.
I just want to find people who accept me for who I am.

I just want to be normal.

But can that ever become a reality, or would it be forever stuck as the perfect dream embedded in my nightmares every night?

What are dreams? 

What is reality?

Dreams- defined to be successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.

Reality- defined to be the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to a idealistic of notional idea of them; or, the state or quality of having existence or substance.

I just can't tell them apart anymore.

I don't have the strength nor the courage to split them up into two because although the very reason why it's destroying me is due to them being so perfectly entwined together, it is also the very reason why I can be saved sometimes and why I'm still alive.

"At least I'm still alive for now."

At least I'm still alive.

Well, I'm really desperately praying that I can have the courage to continue pushing on before I finally find the courage to just run into the kitchen to stab myself, or find the will to just jump off like that.

I'm really praying with all my might.

Okay I think I should really stop here today,
Ciao Ciao