Juxtaposition

12th January.
Yes, that's tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally the day when I'm going to collect my O Level results.
But right now, I just can't seem to properly know what I even feel. Panic? Of course. Fear? Yes of not doing well. But more than that, there's just something which is just stuck deep at the bottom of my throat and I just can't seem to make out what that is.

I can still remember the time when I collected my express Chinese O Level cert last year, that very moment before I collected my very own results. As our higher mother tongue group was a rather small one, and with the other sec 4 seniors who retook their Chinese O level at the end of the year, also not forgetting that the average results for our Chinese was rather low, I was simply so terrified of not being able to get my A1 when I see all my other higher Chinese friends smile happily with their satisfied results (I was the last to receive mine). But just so thankfully, I did manage to clutch the A1 which I wanted, and needed. I can still remember how my tears just subconsciously flow the moment I flipped the piece of paper over. I was just so happy and relieved.

However, the thought which keeps circling round me these few days is simply a "What if this year is different?", and it just is simply enough to drive me crazy. I know that I can actually do quite well if I studied, but one thing is already definite and I can no longer change it- I didn't. I already lost track of how many panic attacks I've had when I think of me collecting my results tomorrow, or how many litres of tears I cried for just this one thing. I'm just so scared, so terrified I just don't know what to do.
But well, I guess it is time tomorrow and I can no longer run away.

Now, as to why this post is titled "juxtaposition".

Over this one month, which is also the last month of holiday which I might possibly have left if I did manage to get into JC successfully, as usual, thoughts kept running wild in my head.

When all my other "friends" are enjoying their holidays together, doing the things that they have all planned before Os ended, I'm just stuck at home everyday, doing nothing at all. Nothing, meaning that I really cannot remember what I've went through this past one month. Well, I did hang out with one of my friend quite a few times, and just when I decided to make her the friend which I trust most, I just don't know if I should the next minute. This friend of mine is a really nice friend but with a terrible plight at home. A lot of things happened at her home, and she had to work to try to earn some money. She certainly had been through a lot, as not just her family issues, but in school right before break started, something happened between her and her best friend and they fell apart. She has tried to move forward now, and is doing pretty well, and because I went all that "tough times" with her, she regards me as her "sister" somewhat now.

That made me very happy, really. But honestly, every time I decide to just devote everything into this friendship, a question always pull me back.
"If she was able to get back with her clique and best friend, would I be thrown aside once again?"
And that question was enough to make me hold back whatever I intended to do.

It really hurts having doubts about every single thing, really.
Friends, are really something that I desperately need, apart from my family, in order to make me feel "normal" and not fall apart. But every time I devote myself in a friendship, there will always be a loophole somewhere. It's always either that friend leaves me or just treats me as a backup and just simply throw me aside whenever she doesn't need me anymore.
It really hurts.
If the pain I feel each time is double the previous one and I was able to look at all my injuries, I'd be covered with scars all over my fat and ugly body.

Just last week, I went back to watching KHR and tried to continue my story which I was supposed to complete during my break. But as I watched on, it just made me feel more and more empty, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and stopped watching it completely.

I don't recall if I ever stated this, but this story I'm talking about, is a story where I lived in the KHR world with my parents and two brothers happily and fitted in perfectly.

Ichinomiya Souichirou 一宮宗一郎- My father
Tachibana Mizuki 立花美希- My mother
Ichinomiya Toshiki 一宮俊樹- My oldest brother
Ichinomiya Keichi 一宮啓一 - My second brother

And finally,

Ichinomiya Miki 一宮美季 - Me

Here, the perfect family which I've always wanted.

But as I continued writing the story as I watched the anime, the more I feel that Miki can fit into it, and the me in reality can't. Miki is someone which I've always felt that is me, but isn't me at the same time. Her personality, looks, character and all- they are all just things that I wished that I had but can never receive because of who this me really is.

This then got me thinking that night. So, after all this time, is the Kyou (Hibari) I've been imagining all this time really comforting me, or is he comforting Miki? Is the Miki which I created to be me really me? Is the family which had been saving me millions of times really my family? Is everything just a illusion?
Obviously, the answer to the last question is a simple "yes", but I really don't know and cannot see it as a yes. I can't explain this feeling, but this "family" of mine is a very important reason for me to keep moving on and stand up every time after I fall, and most of the times, I can really feel them here with me, but nowadays, that feeling is starting to disappear.

It's as if I can no longer fit in anywhere anymore.
That feeling is just so suffocating that I sleep crying every night and wake up crying every morning.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I am just simply so scared to.

And to make matters worse for me, the songs sang by Soraru which calms me down every time I listen to in the past, seems to sound so quick now whenever I listen to them. Soraru's slow comforting voice which always helped me to stop crying seems to be playing in an extremely fast speed now. I know that the song had always been the same, with the speed and all, but it just sounds so different now. And yet, despite the songs having the opposite effect of calming me down, it somehow feels as if the song I'm listening to can relate to the feeling within me and I just can't seem to stop listening to it every night before I sleep.

It is as if the songs are making me cry so that I can feel worn out and finally sleep.

I wonder when was the last time when I managed to get a nice, comfortable sleep. One month? Two months? Half a year? Well, I just can't remember anymore.
Everything is just so mixed up together I feel like the insides of my head and my feelings are all just in a big washing machine, all swirled up and entangled with each other.

I just feel so conflicted.

Just a while ago, I remember saying that my mother wanted me to visit the psychiatrist to get some depression pills for myself. I said okay, but deep down what I felt was exactly opposite. I needed those depression pills, but deep down I feel that counseling wouldn't help me and more than that- I didn't want to get treated. Ironic isn't it? For someone who constantly says that she wants to be normal soon, she said that she didn't want to get treated. I didn't know of this feeling at first, but this idea struck me recently as I remembered the time when my mother told me that she can't find a psychiatrist through the school as I already graduated in a sense. At that particular moment, I just felt so relieved.

I didn't really know why I felt that way initially, but after laying on bed and thinking about a lot of things this few days, it just all came to me. Being the person I am now, the helpless depressed over-thinking sensitive emo kid, it allowed me to be alive. "Crying" my way through things, having this constant state of not feeling normal allowed me to think about the people who care about me, like my parents and my favorite aunt and uncle, and stop myself in time whenever I wanted to do something stupid. Since I didn't know what it feels to be normal right now, this state actually helps me to stop myself from doing what I always wanted to do at the back of my head.
If I did manage to get "cured" and feel "normal", I just know that I would believe that whatever that I'm doing will be "normal" and that it is okay to do whatever normal people can do since I'm already normal.

Then, I will just break from within and think that dying is actually okay.

Yes, I do want to get rid of myself so bad I didn't mind running to the top floor of my home building and just jumping off like that to end my pain, but I don't want my parents to cry over something as stupid as me dying. It's not worth their tears.

I'm just not worth anything.

I don't like to think this way, honest, but this thought just keeps popping in my head every now and then. It's almost as if there's a devil at the back of my head (I'm pretty sure there is one) telling me my worth each and every time. Like it's a me denying my existence.

I know that a holiday is a period of time where people thoroughly enjoy themselves, but it seems that I spent my holidays making myself more miserable than ever. Well, I think I am just so messed up in the inside that even I don't know myself anymore.

I really miss the me from last time. Somehow, I can just picture the me-s from all ages crying over times when I'm so messed up, times when I'm bullied, and times when I'm just so lost and alone. I really wish that I could magically appear before each and all of them and give them a hug and tell them that "It's okay". But is everything really okay? What I really need is a real life Kyou standing right before me, hugging me, patting my back gently and just gently comforting me till I'm feeling better. But I guess that's impossible huh. Well, that's just me and my imaginations left now I guess.

Well, that's it for now.
Ciao Ciao