The antagonist

The antagonist. Yes I'm absolutely one. Why do I always have to play the bad guy? I want to try being the protagonist too. Why? Why can't I ever be one? Maybe it's because I'm a bad kid. Maybe it's because nobody likes or trusts me. Maybe it's because just I was born to be hated, by everyone.

My friend, C, just texted another friend who was with me that she wants to die just about an hour ago. She just said that she is going to retain and just wants to drop everything now. Me and my other friend wanted to help her. From the bottom of our hearts. But C just refuses to listen. I really don't know what I can do to help her because something hurt her really bad since last year and up till now she still has yet to get over it. I tried, many times to let her know that I'm here, but she just doesn't seem to want to open up to me. I can understand how she feels, so I don't blame her. Don't be mistaken, we are close friends and she's really nice. But she just always put a fake smile on her face and acts tough. She always motivates me and of course I want to do something for her too.

I tried. I tried being a protagonist and told her how she should wake up in a nice way. But I bet she doesn't even care. She even mocked me for sending her that text. I know that many people have also told her the same thing, so maybe she doesn't trust anyone anymore. So after lots of thoughts, I decided to be the bad guy. I just decided to send her a text and just wake her up. Literally.

" WAKE UP. THIS IS REALITY. If you cannot undo what you have already done, you just have to live with it. LIVE WITH IT. STOP CHOOSING THE EASY WAY OUT AND LET THE OTHERS BEHIND YOU WORRY. If you don't want to drag me down, just stand up and move on. You still have chances. YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THAT FIRST STEP. "

This was exactly what I told her, and she hasn't replied me till now.

I understand that she may feel hurt, so I just want to give her that push so that she can move forward and go on with her life. To many people, this may feel nothing but it means the world to me. C was really a very very precious friend of mine. It took me a lot of determination to send her that text. If she got it, she would understand and wake up and move on, and of course, we'll still be friends. But if she didn't... it means goodbye to our friendship forever. It's hard, I know. Really. But someone really needs to give her that push. I'm not trying to be a hero, but I just want to help my friend.

I already lost count of how many times I chose to become the antagonist, and how many precious friendships I lost. But I believe that it is worth it. If that friend can just happily move on, it's enough for me. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, but it's true. I rather suffer alone in silence, than watch her suffer and not being able to do anything. But, I'm tired. I really am. I'm sick and tired of all of these already. I'm really badly scarred and I'm scared to do this again. That fear. I really can't describe it. It's too scary. It's so scary that I'm seriously thinking of dying. I'm praying very hard that I can be in other people's place and die for them. I just tired, really really tired. I don't wanna do this anymore I am tired, of playing the bad guy, but I just can't stop. I really want to help those people, and I just don't seem to be able to find an alternative route or solution. And there's nobody out there who is willing to replace me. Nobody. The stress, the pressure, is killing me internally. I have no idea whether what I'm doing is correct anymore. I don't know, and am too tired to think. I just want to lie down, and just sleep forever and not have to wake up and face this scary world.

Well, I guess that's it for now,
Ciao ciao