Cuts.

Just yesterday, I collected my O Level results.
Somehow, I kinda expected myself to get this results, yet somehow I don't.

After deducting the four bonus points I had, my L1R5 is now a 8, and my L1R4 is a 5. It's not remarkably good, but it's not that bad either. I can't recall how I really felt when I saw my name appear on the screen, because I only expected myself to do better than this, or worse than this.

The whole time, what I was more worried about was my surroundings, not my results.

Yes, I was extremely worried about it for the past week, and even the past month in fact, because I wanted to do well. I really wanted to get results which were so good, that I could make the relatives who looked down on my dad take back their insulting words.
I also wanted to make my parents feel proud and happy and not grieve for me for getting poor results. I know that even though they keep telling me to just give in my best and that the results don't matter, but I just know deep inside that they'll cry for me if I do badly.
They just worry so much for me.

Sometimes, I really honestly feel that I don't deserve their care and love, because I'm just not worth it. At all.

But what made me have butterflies in my stomach yesterday, were really not my results. It was my "friends". Just before I collected my results, my form teacher came up to me and talked to me. As she kinda knows that I've been going through a lot of things the past year, she just came up to me and smiled at me and comforted me a while. As she left, she just left three words with me,

"You did well."

That did it. After she said that, I completely lost all my worries for my results. But as she walked away, the "friends"in front of me just turned around and said,

"See, you did well already, now you don't have to worry anymore right.",

and they just turned around, as if they weren't happy at all.

I know that they were worried, and yes, I was indeed a little worried as well. But they just disregarded me and just pushed me aside once my form teacher said that.

Then, our school principal and her vice gave us an thirty over minutes talk before announcing the results. Then, I was anticipating for my name to appear on the screen. I really tried to push away all other thoughts which were lingering and was really looking forward to seeing my name up there.
But as the pages past, and the number of distinctions dropped at the next page, I started to not feel anything anymore.

I didn't want a five distinction cert. I really didn't want something like that.

I know that I wasn't worth the seven or six ones, but I really just didn't want to be the last. (The names of the people with five distinctions or more all appeared on the screen, starting with the most number of distinctions) On the last page, as I saw my name finally, I just cried.

Everyone thought that I cried because I was so happy that my name was up there, but I cried, because my name was on the last page. I hated being the last, more than anything else, really. So I just cried and cried while hugging my bag, before the principal announced my name to stand up.
What was even worse was that, just as the principal announced the name of the girl before me, I already pushed my bag aside, waiting for my turn. It was just so embarrassing that the moment I did that, I wanted to just dig and hole and hide. It was as if I was very eager to stand up, but I really wasn't.

I just want to hurry and get this thing over and done with.

Then, the moment we collected our results from our teachers.
Everyone was crying because they either did better than they expected, or had gotten horrible results. As the people who were sitting beside me all went away and talked with others, I just felt so alone that I couldn't help but tear up. I forced myself not to cry - at least not yet - and I just hugged my bag as tightly as I could, praying that I could just collect my results and just go.

But every time I looked up, I just saw people whom I thought might come up and talk to me just walk away like that. It really seemed as if they hated me for getting results better than them, and that I didn't deserve that results at all. Well, yes, I do agree with them, but it still hurts. The friend who regarded me as a "sister", Light, and all of the people I wanted to say goodbye to because that was the last day.
And when people saw the tears in my eyes, they just sneered at me and just told me that "I didn't have to worry about my results anymore" nonchalantly. As they all said that, I just felt so suffocated and in pain I wanted to run to a corner and just cry my eyes out.

"Didn't they know how much their words and expressions hurt?"

During the last time I looked up, I just saw IA crying and crying non-stop. Park (who sits right in front of me) just ran towards her and comforted her. Sometimes, I really wondered if Park ever regarded me as a friend. I certainly always talked to her when she needed it, even whenever everyone "throws" her aside, but every time something happens, she'll never hesitate to just forget about me and walk off. Honestly, if I ever had one thing I regretted in the last two years of my school life in that school, I think it'd be making "friends" with her. She really was the worst friend I think I've ever made. She really insults me whenever she likes (even as I am comforting her), and she always makes excuses to me when she treats me like shit. But somehow, now it's all over.

The person who really really really hurt me yesterday, was Elex. Soon after Park ran towards IA as she was crying, Elex also ran forward to her and tried to comfort her. As things between me and IA got really tense and awkward now, I just sat at wherever I was, silently waiting for my results for collection. But when Elex turned and saw me sitting where I was and not comforting IA with them, she just looked at me with really - no, extremely - displeasing eyes and was just really angry at me.

I will never forget that particular look and those eyes she gave me.

It didn't look completely like anger, nor disappointment, nor anything. It was as if she just disapproved of whatever I was doing when she didn't know of anything.

It just stung so so bad, I really couldn't take it anymore.

Throughout the whole of last week, as I waited for the day where I would collect my results, what I really wanted from all of my "friends", was a hug from her, and with her telling me that everything was okay even though I knew nothing was. I wanted to just say goodbye to her one last time before I closed the chapter on my secondary school life.

But I couldn't even do something as simple as that.

Her disapproving look just made me so disappointed, so sad, so in pain that all I felt was regret, regret and regret.

I really regretted coming to this school.
I really never ever felt this bad before, but yesterday really made me change my feelings after enduring four long years here.

After. Four. Long. Years.

After that, I just ran to collect my results, notified my parents about it, and walked out of school, crying and crying and crying non-stop. Not wanting to see anyone's face, I just plugged in my earpiece and removed my glasses and ran and cried. To others, it seemed like I've received horrendous results, and being the person who cared about her image more than anyone else, I should just went home and cry in a corner, but I didn't.

I really couldn't care less about anything anymore.

Everything just hurts so much I didn't even know what I was doing.
All I could remember now from yesterday afternoon was that I kept crying and crying and crying, and till I had no more energy to even speak, I carried myself home like a zombie.

When I reached home, I just sat down on the sofa and stared at the television. Looking at the couple on the screen, I started tearing again. I kept thinking about Kyou, but I just couldn't see him anywhere. It's as if he was still at school, comforting that girl who had already reached home.

During the evening, people started texting me and congratulating me, but I really couldn't feel anything. All of my "friends" texts felt like sarcasm and it really feels like they are mocking me. But I still replied anyway.

"It's going to be the last few days before you completely disappear from their lives," was what made me go on, but I really feel like a zombie then. I really really was just so tired from everything. But don't be mistaken, I'm not thinking about committing suicide- Not yet.

And the really funny thing is, just when I've decided to close up myself from this one part of my life, from all of those people, the friend who regarded me as a "sister", I shall call her XCX, called me to apologize for not finding me earlier and kept comforting me and all. Earlier just now, Light texted me to read my mail, and I saw her "letter" to me, giving me all sorts of advice and comforts.

I should feel thankful, I know that, but all I can really think as of now is-

"Where were you guys when I really needed you?"

When I finally decide to wrap and cover my ugly and sick self from everyone after all of them shouted and forced me to, why are they trying to pull my barrier and pry my torn and tattered self open all over again?

Don't they know that spreading salt on open wounds hurt so much?

Why are people always hurting me so much (and saying that they didn't know that they did afterwards) and then coming back shortly to comfort me again just to throw me away?

I AM NOT A TOY.

I have feelings. Extremely sensitive feelings that some people didn't know about. But it's not that they don't know. It's that they chose to forget that fact and push it aside and bring up their so-called "kindness" whenever they "need" me.

IT HURTS.

I am really just this close to breaking down. Just so so close.
My family is the only one that's keeping me together now, yes, my two families.
But what is gonna happen when one side of them disappears completely, and the other side doing things subconsciously that might cause me to break?

The cuts on my body - although I'm not meaning it literally - are becoming more and more visible, and it's really getting difficult to hide them now. I really wonder when I can ever reveal them to someone who can protect me from all these pain - or will I be too late already?

Well, I just don't know anymore.

So tired of all these shit;
So tired of everything;
So tired of everyone.

I wonder if the new school I'll be going to will be worse, I honestly pray that it'll not be.

Please. I'm really praying with all I have left now.

Well everyone, hope you wish me luck.

Till next time,
Ciao Ciao

Juxtaposition

12th January.
Yes, that's tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally the day when I'm going to collect my O Level results.
But right now, I just can't seem to properly know what I even feel. Panic? Of course. Fear? Yes of not doing well. But more than that, there's just something which is just stuck deep at the bottom of my throat and I just can't seem to make out what that is.

I can still remember the time when I collected my express Chinese O Level cert last year, that very moment before I collected my very own results. As our higher mother tongue group was a rather small one, and with the other sec 4 seniors who retook their Chinese O level at the end of the year, also not forgetting that the average results for our Chinese was rather low, I was simply so terrified of not being able to get my A1 when I see all my other higher Chinese friends smile happily with their satisfied results (I was the last to receive mine). But just so thankfully, I did manage to clutch the A1 which I wanted, and needed. I can still remember how my tears just subconsciously flow the moment I flipped the piece of paper over. I was just so happy and relieved.

However, the thought which keeps circling round me these few days is simply a "What if this year is different?", and it just is simply enough to drive me crazy. I know that I can actually do quite well if I studied, but one thing is already definite and I can no longer change it- I didn't. I already lost track of how many panic attacks I've had when I think of me collecting my results tomorrow, or how many litres of tears I cried for just this one thing. I'm just so scared, so terrified I just don't know what to do.
But well, I guess it is time tomorrow and I can no longer run away.

Now, as to why this post is titled "juxtaposition".

Over this one month, which is also the last month of holiday which I might possibly have left if I did manage to get into JC successfully, as usual, thoughts kept running wild in my head.

When all my other "friends" are enjoying their holidays together, doing the things that they have all planned before Os ended, I'm just stuck at home everyday, doing nothing at all. Nothing, meaning that I really cannot remember what I've went through this past one month. Well, I did hang out with one of my friend quite a few times, and just when I decided to make her the friend which I trust most, I just don't know if I should the next minute. This friend of mine is a really nice friend but with a terrible plight at home. A lot of things happened at her home, and she had to work to try to earn some money. She certainly had been through a lot, as not just her family issues, but in school right before break started, something happened between her and her best friend and they fell apart. She has tried to move forward now, and is doing pretty well, and because I went all that "tough times" with her, she regards me as her "sister" somewhat now.

That made me very happy, really. But honestly, every time I decide to just devote everything into this friendship, a question always pull me back.
"If she was able to get back with her clique and best friend, would I be thrown aside once again?"
And that question was enough to make me hold back whatever I intended to do.

It really hurts having doubts about every single thing, really.
Friends, are really something that I desperately need, apart from my family, in order to make me feel "normal" and not fall apart. But every time I devote myself in a friendship, there will always be a loophole somewhere. It's always either that friend leaves me or just treats me as a backup and just simply throw me aside whenever she doesn't need me anymore.
It really hurts.
If the pain I feel each time is double the previous one and I was able to look at all my injuries, I'd be covered with scars all over my fat and ugly body.

Just last week, I went back to watching KHR and tried to continue my story which I was supposed to complete during my break. But as I watched on, it just made me feel more and more empty, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and stopped watching it completely.

I don't recall if I ever stated this, but this story I'm talking about, is a story where I lived in the KHR world with my parents and two brothers happily and fitted in perfectly.

Ichinomiya Souichirou 一宮宗一郎- My father
Tachibana Mizuki 立花美希- My mother
Ichinomiya Toshiki 一宮俊樹- My oldest brother
Ichinomiya Keichi 一宮啓一 - My second brother

And finally,

Ichinomiya Miki 一宮美季 - Me

Here, the perfect family which I've always wanted.

But as I continued writing the story as I watched the anime, the more I feel that Miki can fit into it, and the me in reality can't. Miki is someone which I've always felt that is me, but isn't me at the same time. Her personality, looks, character and all- they are all just things that I wished that I had but can never receive because of who this me really is.

This then got me thinking that night. So, after all this time, is the Kyou (Hibari) I've been imagining all this time really comforting me, or is he comforting Miki? Is the Miki which I created to be me really me? Is the family which had been saving me millions of times really my family? Is everything just a illusion?
Obviously, the answer to the last question is a simple "yes", but I really don't know and cannot see it as a yes. I can't explain this feeling, but this "family" of mine is a very important reason for me to keep moving on and stand up every time after I fall, and most of the times, I can really feel them here with me, but nowadays, that feeling is starting to disappear.

It's as if I can no longer fit in anywhere anymore.
That feeling is just so suffocating that I sleep crying every night and wake up crying every morning.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I am just simply so scared to.

And to make matters worse for me, the songs sang by Soraru which calms me down every time I listen to in the past, seems to sound so quick now whenever I listen to them. Soraru's slow comforting voice which always helped me to stop crying seems to be playing in an extremely fast speed now. I know that the song had always been the same, with the speed and all, but it just sounds so different now. And yet, despite the songs having the opposite effect of calming me down, it somehow feels as if the song I'm listening to can relate to the feeling within me and I just can't seem to stop listening to it every night before I sleep.

It is as if the songs are making me cry so that I can feel worn out and finally sleep.

I wonder when was the last time when I managed to get a nice, comfortable sleep. One month? Two months? Half a year? Well, I just can't remember anymore.
Everything is just so mixed up together I feel like the insides of my head and my feelings are all just in a big washing machine, all swirled up and entangled with each other.

I just feel so conflicted.

Just a while ago, I remember saying that my mother wanted me to visit the psychiatrist to get some depression pills for myself. I said okay, but deep down what I felt was exactly opposite. I needed those depression pills, but deep down I feel that counseling wouldn't help me and more than that- I didn't want to get treated. Ironic isn't it? For someone who constantly says that she wants to be normal soon, she said that she didn't want to get treated. I didn't know of this feeling at first, but this idea struck me recently as I remembered the time when my mother told me that she can't find a psychiatrist through the school as I already graduated in a sense. At that particular moment, I just felt so relieved.

I didn't really know why I felt that way initially, but after laying on bed and thinking about a lot of things this few days, it just all came to me. Being the person I am now, the helpless depressed over-thinking sensitive emo kid, it allowed me to be alive. "Crying" my way through things, having this constant state of not feeling normal allowed me to think about the people who care about me, like my parents and my favorite aunt and uncle, and stop myself in time whenever I wanted to do something stupid. Since I didn't know what it feels to be normal right now, this state actually helps me to stop myself from doing what I always wanted to do at the back of my head.
If I did manage to get "cured" and feel "normal", I just know that I would believe that whatever that I'm doing will be "normal" and that it is okay to do whatever normal people can do since I'm already normal.

Then, I will just break from within and think that dying is actually okay.

Yes, I do want to get rid of myself so bad I didn't mind running to the top floor of my home building and just jumping off like that to end my pain, but I don't want my parents to cry over something as stupid as me dying. It's not worth their tears.

I'm just not worth anything.

I don't like to think this way, honest, but this thought just keeps popping in my head every now and then. It's almost as if there's a devil at the back of my head (I'm pretty sure there is one) telling me my worth each and every time. Like it's a me denying my existence.

I know that a holiday is a period of time where people thoroughly enjoy themselves, but it seems that I spent my holidays making myself more miserable than ever. Well, I think I am just so messed up in the inside that even I don't know myself anymore.

I really miss the me from last time. Somehow, I can just picture the me-s from all ages crying over times when I'm so messed up, times when I'm bullied, and times when I'm just so lost and alone. I really wish that I could magically appear before each and all of them and give them a hug and tell them that "It's okay". But is everything really okay? What I really need is a real life Kyou standing right before me, hugging me, patting my back gently and just gently comforting me till I'm feeling better. But I guess that's impossible huh. Well, that's just me and my imaginations left now I guess.

Well, that's it for now.
Ciao Ciao