Insignificance

Insignificance. I have that feeling everyday. Having this feeling everyday is not the main thing here-- it is the number of times I felt it each day which mattered. How does it feel to be insignificant? Well, I can't exactly describe that feeling. It is more of a feeling of not being valued, and a pain which kinda suffocates you and make you unable to breathe. I'm sure many of you out there can understand this feeling, and don't like this feeling one bit. But we can't get rid of this feeling. We only can learn to accept it.

I hate being compared. Really. Especially when it's with my sister. She is smart, and younger than I am, so everyone in my family always pick her first. Everyone always assumes that I have everything thing I need and they just give the best to her. It's really unfair. Just because at times I try to fight for myself, and she just sits aside, pretending that she doesn't need anything, people would start to care for her more and throw me aside. She gets whatever she wants without any effort, while I have to patiently wait for my turn, which is always after everything is over.

My father always tells me to give and take, and I would always keep telling myself that too, so that I can try to prevent the evil side of me from growing. It's really hard. So hard that I want to just throw everything else aside and just vanish from this world once and for all. But can I really bear to? That question just keeps repeating itself in my head, pushing my ideas back and fro.

Maybe it's because I did something wrong. Maybe it's because I'm just born so evil. Maybe it's because I'm just not worth anyone's care at all. I really don't know. All I keep doing now is comfort myself with the "once in a while" kind side of other people, and keep telling myself that I cannot be so ungrateful to those people.

Nowadays, the thought "No one would notice even if I disappeared." keeps popping into my mind. I really hate it whenever someone dear to me, especially my elders, my parents, turns their back on me when I need them the most. But I can't hate. If I hate, I'll be infilial to them. Isn't it just so funny? I can't turn my back against them when they throw me aside like junk, but i have to do whatever they wish whenever they need my help. I have to smile bravely behind them, alone. What's worst is, I can't seem to see Hibari, who is always here together with me in my mind, anywhere near me. It's so scary and painful you know. But no one ever understands or even notices the many times I felt this way. I have to take so much effort just to hide my tears. I keep trying and trying and trying but somehow it just keeps feeling impossible.
Most of the times, giving your all doesn't guarantee that you can get whatever you desire. So does giving your all have any significance at all?
I keep forcing myself to smile whenever I feel like crying while thinking of that. A mask. Yes. A mask which hides that ugly and sinister side of me from the whole world so nobody can ever see that real me. If only something like that exists. If only.

Am I going to end this post depressingly again? Hmmmm I guess not. Here's a piece of advice I have for everyone when they feel insignificant. Think of the times when those people who are turning their backs against you did something in your favour. Think about how they might still be by your side even if they are not smiling at you.
Be brave.
I'll be here for you.
This stranger from nowhere near you is supporting you in any direction you wish to move forward to.
So wipe away those tears on your face when you think of yourself as insignificant or that nobody ever needs you, because, there are people out there who actually need you despite you being unaware.
Do your best, and try to live for yourself and not for anyone else.
Smile! :)

See you next time!
Ciao ciao!