The antagonist

The antagonist. Yes I'm absolutely one. Why do I always have to play the bad guy? I want to try being the protagonist too. Why? Why can't I ever be one? Maybe it's because I'm a bad kid. Maybe it's because nobody likes or trusts me. Maybe it's because just I was born to be hated, by everyone.

My friend, C, just texted another friend who was with me that she wants to die just about an hour ago. She just said that she is going to retain and just wants to drop everything now. Me and my other friend wanted to help her. From the bottom of our hearts. But C just refuses to listen. I really don't know what I can do to help her because something hurt her really bad since last year and up till now she still has yet to get over it. I tried, many times to let her know that I'm here, but she just doesn't seem to want to open up to me. I can understand how she feels, so I don't blame her. Don't be mistaken, we are close friends and she's really nice. But she just always put a fake smile on her face and acts tough. She always motivates me and of course I want to do something for her too.

I tried. I tried being a protagonist and told her how she should wake up in a nice way. But I bet she doesn't even care. She even mocked me for sending her that text. I know that many people have also told her the same thing, so maybe she doesn't trust anyone anymore. So after lots of thoughts, I decided to be the bad guy. I just decided to send her a text and just wake her up. Literally.

" WAKE UP. THIS IS REALITY. If you cannot undo what you have already done, you just have to live with it. LIVE WITH IT. STOP CHOOSING THE EASY WAY OUT AND LET THE OTHERS BEHIND YOU WORRY. If you don't want to drag me down, just stand up and move on. You still have chances. YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THAT FIRST STEP. "

This was exactly what I told her, and she hasn't replied me till now.

I understand that she may feel hurt, so I just want to give her that push so that she can move forward and go on with her life. To many people, this may feel nothing but it means the world to me. C was really a very very precious friend of mine. It took me a lot of determination to send her that text. If she got it, she would understand and wake up and move on, and of course, we'll still be friends. But if she didn't... it means goodbye to our friendship forever. It's hard, I know. Really. But someone really needs to give her that push. I'm not trying to be a hero, but I just want to help my friend.

I already lost count of how many times I chose to become the antagonist, and how many precious friendships I lost. But I believe that it is worth it. If that friend can just happily move on, it's enough for me. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, but it's true. I rather suffer alone in silence, than watch her suffer and not being able to do anything. But, I'm tired. I really am. I'm sick and tired of all of these already. I'm really badly scarred and I'm scared to do this again. That fear. I really can't describe it. It's too scary. It's so scary that I'm seriously thinking of dying. I'm praying very hard that I can be in other people's place and die for them. I just tired, really really tired. I don't wanna do this anymore I am tired, of playing the bad guy, but I just can't stop. I really want to help those people, and I just don't seem to be able to find an alternative route or solution. And there's nobody out there who is willing to replace me. Nobody. The stress, the pressure, is killing me internally. I have no idea whether what I'm doing is correct anymore. I don't know, and am too tired to think. I just want to lie down, and just sleep forever and not have to wake up and face this scary world.

Well, I guess that's it for now,
Ciao ciao

Fear.

It's 12am now, one of the moments I feel insecurity the most, and one of the moments I fear the most. To be honest, I'm not the type of person who likes the night. It is quiet yes, but too quiet. So quiet that it's creepy and even scary. Since young, even though I don't act like it, I fear the dark. I'm scared of the helpless feeling when I'm in the dark, when I can do nothing but hide under my blanket, away from various things.

Tonight, it feels even scarier than usual. Maybe it's because I have yet to complete my homework and still have piles of it. I admit, even though I slack a lot, this is the first time I really feel the pressure and stress for completing all my homework. Really. It's so pressurising that I'm suffocating.
Or maybe, it could be because my mum and my sis just had a fight in the hall, shouting so loudly I swear m neighbours could hear them. My sis cried. It was so loud. I was already scared enough but because of the cry, it made it worse. It is really so suffocating, like there's this huge rock in my chest I can't push away no matter how hard I tried. I can't breathe.

Fear... I really hate this feeling. But more than hate, I'm scared to face this feeling. I'm helpless against it. As you can see, I might not be making any sense right now, because the fear I have within me is overflowing. It's like I'm in the dark, cold sea right now at 12am and drowning, woth no one there, all alone.
Thankfully,  Hibari is here with me. When I look up, he just stares at me and it feels like he is telling me to calm down, and try to relax and forget that fear. It's hard, but at least he is here with me. At least, Hibari is here with me. But if anyone sees me right now, it might not sound convincing, because I am actually shivering. Not because of the cold, but fear.

This post might have no meaning behind it. Or it might not be worth reading at all. But I still just want to type this out, so that I can keep in mind that Hibari is always here for me. It may sound stupid, but it means the whole world to me. I just want to tell myself to never underestimate fear, because one day, I might get depression because of it. I'm not sure, but deep inside, I know that if this continues, I'll really get depression. I have to try my best, not to let it control me, and totally change me. I will, and I must.

Sorry for posting a junk post after so long. I'll try to make it up for it next time.
Ciao ciao.

Growing up

Every day, every hour, every minute, and even every second, people are constantly changing, and "growing up". I don't think that anyone can fully "grow up", unless they reached the moment they are going to die.

Today, I watched another movie called The Girl in Pinafore. It was a really nice and inspirational movie to me, but the ending was so tragic. It is about a story where 2 groups of people meet and because of various reasons formed a "band". Then, the main male and female protagonist went together, and it is the same for the 6 other friends. However, because of the female protagonist's mother, she was forced to go to America and she died in the end. It was just so sad. The male protagonist cried too of course, and soon later, the group fell apart. The other couples, with the exception of 1, all broke up, and everyone went different ways.

When I watched the part where the female was announced dead, a thought just popped into my head. Would I be able to continue to live on if Hibari just "disappeared" like that one day? No I don't think so. I wouldn't be able to.
Sometimes people just ask me why am I so obsessed with him. Honestly, I can't explain. It is a feeling from deep inside my heart. Maybe that feeling was born from despair and fear, and because Hibari was the only one there for me when I felt that the whole wide world was pitch black. Hibari was the only one there who told me that it is okay and helped me calm down.

I never want the story in the movie to ever happen to me. Never. I wouldn't be able to take it. But is that what it means to grow up? To make new friends, to fall in love, and everyone leaving you at the end of the day. Is it? If that is what it means, I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I would never be able to take in all the sadness at the end of the day.

Sometimes, I wish that time could just stop at the time you want it to be at, and I could just repeat the same cycle over and over again. Really. I don't think I would get tired of it because I think that that beats having to go through betrayal and enduring the pain of people leaving you. But every time I think of that, I would just think of how I could become an anime character in my next life. That is actually one of the point which allows me to continue "living" and "growing up".

Personally, I think that you guys out there should try this too! To think of the things you look forward to so that you can move on, and continue "growing up". I think that it would help you out some way or another.

So, that's all.
Ciao ciao!

The main character

Do you always get the feeling that you are very special sometimes after you complete a movie or a book? I'm referring to those supernatural kinds, the kind where there are things which technically do not exist in our world.
Well, I am the kind who always feel that way whenever I complete a book or just watched finished a movie.

Every time, I would just feel that the world is "revolving" around me. That I am "special" and am like the main protagonist in movies. I am not sure how to describe this but it feels... Magical?
I think this happens every time because whenever i read a book or watch a movie, I would usually see things in the protagonist's point of view, how he or she actually sees things in their "special"/ "magical" world, and how they take great actions to solve big problems how any other normal human would never be able to.

Recently, I just watched a movie, The City of Bones. (It is really awesome btw, if you have yet to watch it, I strongly urge you to!) After watching it, I became somewhat.. Paranoid? I kept thinking that demons and shadow hunters would just pop out of nowhere and BOOM! Here's the start of my new, special life.
Honestly, even before that, a part of me already believe that supernatural things really existed in our world. I may sound really foolish, but I really do believe.

Well, I just want to make a point that everyone is their main character in their life-- Be it the most famous pop star or the most insignificant being you feel that ever exists. You are you. You are the main character of your own life. It mainly depends on how you make use of it. Nobody can ever decide your life for you. Only you are able to do so. ONLY YOU.

So just try to live your life to the best you can! Be the main character that everyone wants to be. Believe that you can! You have to take that first step and attempt to reach out for the highest. Aim for the stars! ^w^

Well, that's all I have today, ciao ciao!

P.S. Today is the first day of September, so let's all pray that we could improve ourselves this month, and that we are able to overcome even the hardest of the hardest! Go for it! :D