Trust

It's been days now since I decided to officially give up on something.
It's really, really difficult, especially so when she gave me a card on the last day of school.

Sometimes, I just can't help repeatedly asking myself,

"Who can I really trust?"

Yes, I know I should be able to trust my family, but I can't be relying on them whenever something happens right? That way, what would happen if I have to survive independently one day?

Would committing suicide be my only way out?

And if I desperately have to find someone else, whom can I turn to?
The world just feels so scary sometimes. Really. Apart from my family, I'm really all alone and a total nobody.
If someone tells me to turn to other friends, I can't just do that as well. I mean, I can't be so sure.

What would happen one day if they just suddenly decide to abandon me and tell the whole wide world my secrets?
Wouldn't that just turn my entire world into a nightmare?

If the you reading this now feel that I'm perhaps being too superstitious, yes, I might be, but I can't do anything about that. I really want to be carefree and just live happily with no worries too. But, I can't. I guess I was just born with this character. This stupid. annoying and disgusting other side.

Does this show that I should only trust myself and no one else?
Should I just totally cut off connections and stop making friends?
I really wish I could on one hand, but a voice just keeps telling me that that'd be too hard for me now.

Recently, I've been starting by trying to push away a friend to another friend. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that, I have no idea how to face her. When she keeps having fun with my other close friends (we're in the same clique) and I'm not there, it really feels as if she doesn't care at all. It just feels as if she thinks that how I feel doesn't concern her.

Well, on the other hand, with all my negative thoughts and all, wouldn't it be better if she stayed away from me or anything? Since she's a really positive person, I really don't want her to become like me. So I guess the only thing I can do now which is perhaps right, is to push her away. So far away that she won't even bother and remember me. I guess, the least I can do now is to just allow the positive her to stay in the light.

It not that I can't trust people entirely, it's just that when I trust and give in my 100% to that somebody, I always get hurt in the end. I'm really scared to the point that I'm terrified. So the only thing I can protect myself from all these now, is to perhaps maintain a distance with everyone. Just like Hibari. Sometimes I really want to ask how hibari is able to stay as a lone cloud. It's... Really lonely. Really, I wish I was born a idiot. That way I'd be free from all these. But unfortunately, I'm not, so I guess I just have to live this way.

Maybe. Just maybe. On the day when I become someone like Hibari, totally alone like the lone cloud, I can be free. But well, I still have a long way to go. Fortunately for me now, I have a little more courage to take a small baby step.

It's hard, but I'm trying, trying to leave my comfort zone to become braver.
Hopefully, when I'm like Hibari, it would feel like the rainbow after the rain ;)

Okay, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao

Officially destroyed.

A lot of things happened today, and I straightened out my thoughts just now. Now, I just feel like telling her this, telling her, that I will do what she wishes, which is to completely destroy our friendship, officially and forever.


To: cherry tomatoes (this is just a term to represent her name)

After today, I really straightened out my thoughts, and I would really try to auto-delete our happy moments once and for all.... You might say that it is impossible, but I am telling the truth. I will, and i would try with all my might to do so.
Do u know how painful it is to see someone whom u've been through with everything to treat u like invisible?
Do u the pain, that I've been through all these time?
Do u have any idea, that when after u cried in the bus that particular day, I've been crying every week, almost 5 days each week after u because of that?

I tried. I gave in all my best to try to get back this friendship. Really. I have to act tough infront of so many ppl u know, pretending that I'm all right. When I'm laughing with others, I would look towards u sometimes to see ur reaction. U didn't seem to bother. Why? Have u forgotten what we have been through? 1 and a half years.... I know u have tolerated my horrible personality... I have too sometimes u know.... It seems like we fight very often, but it made us closer did it? Well, that was why I thought.

I really tried to hate u u know.... I wanted to so I can pull myself out of all these scary feelings.... But I couldn't.... I am just like a kid lost in the forest, crying and not knowing what to do... Do u even know that I even thought of attempting suicide? I bet u think that I'm talking nonsense. If r and w (2 other close friends of ours last year) made me cry like no tmr last year during my birthday, and u can make me feel like dying this year, crying to death on ur birthday, doesn't this show how much I treasure u as a friend?
Haha I can't believe I'm crying again. I'm such a coward, a weakling, or even worse than a dog. I really wish u can see all these, but it's impossible haha. U would just laugh at this and say I'm stupid and everything. But I really, really from the bottom of my heart, want to tell u this-- I had never, never regretted making u as my best friend even after all these. Really, I have never regretted it at all.
I know u want to tell me to stop being irritating and acting childish, but I can't help it... Can u teach me how to stop?

I saw the pictures on instagram just now, when u went to ice skating... Glad u had fun ^^ but I couldn't be part of it anymore.... It's okay I guess.... I have no idea why, but when i saw the pictures, something my heart shattered. I couldn't be thr anymore. Lol do u know that when u guys were having fun, I was having cca and having blood test in the polyclinic? But I bet u wouldn't really care.... Moreover if I had went to the party, I might have destroyed all of ur moods so... ^^''

Anyways, I don't have the courage to sent u a msg to give u a birthday wish. But here, I want to wish u all the best in ur future, sry for being such a failed friend and most importantly,

Happy Birthday.（＾◇＾）
I never forgotten, that it was ur birthday today. It's the same day as zelo's birthday also what ^^

That's all, goodbye forever to our friendship I guess....

From: Me.

Memories

Memories are wonderful things. They are things that no one can snatch away from u, things that only u can own. Memories can bring u joy, but also bring u pain. Memories, can last u for ur entire life.

Recently, I have been horribly tortured by beautiful memories of how me and my friends spent time together. I have a friend, who is always very supportive of me, but I have no idea why she seems to hate me now. It hurts. I always pray that they could stop doing this to me and release me from my pain. Really. This is the worst torture ever.
Sometimes I would sit in a corner on my bed and think of all those beautiful memories that I had with them. And I can't but ask myself- why? What have I done wrong? I know that I have a horrid personality but please... Can u all don't do this to me?
But, if I could, I would really love to tell her this, "I never hated u, and I never regretted making u as my best friend, because it is u, who gave me all these precious memories."

Memories are really so beautiful. Sometimes I wish that wonderful moments can last forever, but it's impossible. There would always be an end to everything.
Recently, I've been to Universal Studios Singapore. That day was truly the most magical and fun day of my life where I spent time with my friends. In the roller coaster, I could scream at the top of my voice. In the 4D screenings, I could laugh and have fun. But all of these still came to an end at the end of the day. It's sad, but at least I still have my memories with me. I can look back at them any time I want, because they are all in me.

I really treasure my memories. They're more precious than any gems in the world. (but anime is the same too)
Everyone should have a memory that only they can have. Thus, regardless of ur age right now, reach out to the people closest to u, and start creating wonderful memories with them. Even if they might make u cry one day, remember this, memories are like the screenshots of the best moments in ur life, where u had the most fun, joy and laughter :) treasure them and don't leave regrets :D

That's all for now!!
Ciao ciao ^_^

P.S- exams are over now!!! Yay! I can finally enjoy now. ^o^ but I'm still damn worried about my results.... Hope I can get a good score!!