Monday

17 February 2014.
The day I broke down yet again in front of someone. A family at that. Even though I swore to myself to never let my family worry for me again, I failed.
It's almost a week now, yet I still haven't gotten over it.

On Monday evening, my aunt come down to a mall near my house area to have dinner with me and take my phone to sent it for repair.
Honestly, I felt very uncomfortable with my phone taken away from me. Maybe it's because I am way to dependent on my phone? No, that's not it. I was uncomfortable and worried beacause I know once I sent my phone for repair, all the data in my phone would be completely wiped out and gone forever.
Yes. Data. I really treasure the data I have in my phone. Be it all those little conversations with my friends, or the manga I saved in MangaRock.
I treasure them all.
Am I weird? To be honest, I have no idea myself. But I just.. treasure them.

On my way back home after dinner, my aunt started talking to me if anything happened to me lately. I don't know how or why did she suddenly bring up that topic, but I hid it from her. I just shrugged and told her that nothing happened. But apparently, it wasn't convincing enough for her. She kept pressing me and yes, I did start telling her about a few of the secrets I have. Not the deepest ones though. Don't get me wrong, I really do love this aunt of mine and trust her, but it's just.. hard. I just don't know how to spill my deepest secrets to her.
Really, it is not that I don't want to, but I don't know how to.
There's just these few parts of me telling and preventing me to tell her-- some of them is holding me back due to fear, and some of them is due to me not wanting to worry her. I thought that she would understand, but she didn't. She just kept saying that if I told her or my family about it, I would feel better. I know she said that out of pure care and concern for me, but I just can't. I know that if I spill all of these secrets to her, I'll just.. lose myself and no, I won't feel better.

She kept "pressuring" me to tell her afterwards, and I couldn't take it anymore. I just broke down and cried. I told her to allow me to go back myself and sort out my thoughts, but she kept following me. I literally had to beg her before she went off on her own. On my way back alone from the road to my house, I couldn't stop crying.
A road which usually took less than 5 minutes now took nearly an hour.

I sat down at the bottom of the flat before I went up so that I could calm myself down. But there were stares everywhere. Beacause my house was very near a basketball court, the guys there just kept staring. But I'm glad they didn't do anything. I'm glad that they respected me. Really. But then, I felt so exposed. So exposed I don't know what to do.
All I wanted then was just a hug, and someone telling me that everything would be okay. I just wanted someone to be there to protect me and hide me for even a minute. But there was no one there. No one. Not even Hibari.

Until today, I still can't feel Hibari's presence. Why? I kept asking myself. Did I do something wrong? I really really have no idea. For this passing week, I just pretended to be my usual self infront of everyone. But I guess I failed. I'll try to do a better job next week. I swear to myself. But I did write 2 letters to 2 of my close friends. I want to trust them, even if they might end up leaving me one day. I just wanted to tell them how much they meant to me and that I'll never forget them, even if I changed.

Sounds pretty serious isn't it? But that just shows how much this means to me. I know that I could just break down any minute now, so I just have to do things fast. Before.. I don't know when or what. Well, I'll still try to stay as the usual me though. To the best of my ability. With my best designed mask.

Well, I'm sorry for sounding really emo and depressing today, but yea. That's just how it is.
Just one piece of advice that I have for everyone out there who is like me.
Don't force yourself to hold back your tears like me. It's really really suffocating and painful.  So, even if you don't want to let anyone know about your problems, just feel free to cry alone somewhere no one would know.
Trust me, it helps.

If you don't mind sharing your problems to a stranger, feel free to talk to me! I can't assure you that I can put an end to your problems, but I'm sure that a listening ear does ease you for a little while ^^

You can
-> Kik/Line me at Mikichinomiya.

I really hope that I can be of any help!

Well then, that's all for now!
Ciao ciao

Impact.

Sometimes, something another person does or says to me causes an impact. A huge one at that. In fact, it is not just one or two, but every word, every action that someone else does to me. Basically, it's everything. And "everything" ranges from a simple "thank you" to someone ignoring my message for even 5 minutes.

Yes, sometimes I do think that there is something terribly wrong with me. Why? Even I myself cannot seem to answer. In fact, I also keep asking myself why am I like that.
Why must I be so sensitive? Why can't I seem to live "normally" like everyone else? Why must I be me?
Why me?
I just have so many questions, but all pf them are just left unanswered. The main word just keeps repeating-- Why?

For me, a simple "Thank you" from something like helping someone take up a piece of worksheet on the floor, could instantly brighten up my day. A simple note to ask if I am okay when I seem upset also makes me forget all the unhappiness I had the second before. Just something so simple, and I'll be really happy and contented. Honest. I'm really fine with anything as long as I know that there is someone out there who actually cares for me.
But why do people always take advantage of that fact?

Everyone just keeps breaking their promises so easily and they just throw me aside like trash after using me. Am I really that insignificant to you? Maybe to you, all of that doesn't matter much and you just treat it as a joke, thinking that nothing would happen afterwards. But for me, it creates a really huge impact. I do care.
Brushing and pushing your "joke" aside, constantly smiling and saying that "it is okay" even though it actually matters a lot.. Just how many times did it happen already?

I'm a human too. I have feelings. I have blood flowing within me and a heart beating just like you. So why can't you understand how I feel? Why?
Just by ignoring my message after telling me that I did something wrong without myself knowing-- Do you have any idea how much that made me panic and regretful at something I have no idea about?

I'm tired. Honest. I already lost count of how many times I've said this already. If it is not for Hibari, I think I'll be long gone. I only have Hibari acting as my shield. Without him, I am nothing. I can only keep running away from reality, and wondering when is the time where I would just break down like that and completely lose myself.. and totally vanish from this ever-so-bright-world.

When?

It's really hard. I can't tell any of these deep secrets lying within me to anyone, even my family. I would never forget that face my parents made when I broke down in front of them three years ago. That face which shows the fear they had when I broke down. The worries and everything. I swore that I would never made them show that face again. Never.

Okay, don't worry, I'm not going to end off depressing again. I know it has been a quite long time and I have no idea how many people actually reads this blog. But, I'll still say this.

Never ever hurt someone else with words you think would never affect them, because every action and word you say makes an impact.
Depending on the person who hears it, the impact varies. It could be big, it could be small. But still, please remember that it hurts.

Lastly, don't forget to always smile and go forward towards anyone whenever you think he or she needs it. It doesn't harm to know that that person is fine, does it? Also, always keep the magical two words in mind. "Thank you" might really brighten up someone instantly.
Let's all try that from now on, shall we? ^^

Well, that's all I have for now,
Ciao ciao! ^^