Hey again.
I'm sorry that I sound so dead but today was a really hard day for me.
In school, I finally realized something today.
No one would care about me even when something happens. They would all just group among themselves and laugh with each other.
"You guys are all shining together in the spotlight while I sit in the darkness dull and down."
It certainly seemed that way to me.
Even up till now, my problem with my best friend still hasn't been resolved.
Nowadays, she would just stick with my other friends and I would be standing aside, being very awkward as it's hard to communicate with them when she's around. I'm not saying that she's mean or anything, but I guess I'm just so afraid that she would think that I'm being very annoying there.
Thus, I just stand aside quietly or just go somewhere else..
But why? It's really really hard for me because whatever I do seemed to be wrong.
People always think that I'm being a hypocrite but I'm just trying to improve myself.
Is that even wrong?
What saddened me most was that, when it was physics, I was there trying not to cry with all my might, and then my friend just thought that I was mad and sent me a "cheer up note". I know that people would usually think that I'm lucky to have such a friend, but really, it just hurts so much that I can only hide somewhere and cry.
Whenever they stand aside when I'm talking to someone, the others would be like "Hey! Come on and join in our convo!" and pull that person away from me. And then they would be all happy again, laughing with one another.
But what about me? I would just be considered like an emo person and everyone would just start ignoring me.
Why?
Okay I'm crying now again.. I'm just such a coward and simply so so weak. Why can't I be stronger? I just want to say, that
"You might have cried in the open once, but I have cried more than a million times in the dark."
Really. And that hurts a ton.
Earlier, another friend said that there holidays were coming, and I just told her that I wish that there would be holidays forever. There was really no point in me coming to school except for studying. Then, she just asked me this, "What about your friends?"
All I could say then was, "No."
It's really a bad time for me now, but I'm glad that the September holidays are coming. I straightened out my thoughts today, and realized that a wall is slowly building around me, keeping me away from everyone.
It's really just so hard to trust anyone anymore, so now, other than myself and my family, I don't think that I can trust anyone any longer. Yes I might still be the happy/emo/annoying/angry Michelle I used to be, but deep down, I don't think I'll ever be the same anymore.
I wish that someone could allow me to cry and make me spill all of this out and knock down that wall someday, I hate how there will always have this distance between me and others, that no matter how we joke and everything, it's not the same anymore. I don't want that wall, but I really need it so that I could at the very least protect myself.
Well, bye for now.
Ciao ciao
P.S. Sorry for not giving any good and positive advice today, I promise to do it the next time! :)
You need some advice for real!!!
ReplyDeleteLook if you want to change then change! I f people say something about it there just jealous of you becaus eyour trying to improve yourself on your own without your mommy having to hold your hand. You wanting to change and do better is called your ready to grow up! Its time you stop giving a shit of what people say because i learned people may talk about you until the day you die and theres nothing you can do about it. Crying over it just shows that they suceed in there evil deed and that they may think there more superior then you. Sweetie you dont need to listen to what anyone says except your parents and teachers. You just live your life and enjoy it! Everybody goes through a lot in there days, way worse than you. So keep your head held high and just keep walking. You need to focus on passing class then what a friend said, that friend its making your grades on your report card now is she? of course not! So if you cant resolve something with her, LET HER GO!!! You will meet people way better than her in the near future that will be your friend. You can do, stop doubting yourself or you wont be able to move forward in life :)
Lazy Musician's right! Instead of distancing people, you should talk more and make conversation with people. Friends come and go and yes, it's hard to trust people nowadays, but like Lazy Musician said, if things don't turn out for the best with you and your friend, just let her go. I've lost many, many good friends, but trust me, new one's come and soon enough, you'll forget about your old friends. Just try talking to people, like say "hi" or "how's your day going?" And stay positive :) You don't wanna mope around every day like this and look back and say "what in the world was I doing?!" There's so much in life than moping around every day. Go outside and meet new people :) Hope I could help!
ReplyDeleteTo Lazy Musician and Sunflower:
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your advices! ^_^ From now on, I would just smile and live positively, trying not to look back :) Yes thr might be wonderful memories, but remembering all those hurtful things is really horrible.. So like what u have said, if i continue interacting with more ppl, i might gain more in return! ^_^ Even though i'm still recovering, beliving in myself would def give me more courage, and i might not be such a coward anymore! "I would not gain if i keep grabbing on to the past", so why not just move on and live positively!! ^o^
Thank you very much for ur encouragements! Really, i appreciate it :D Also, it made me feel a lot better! ^_^ Honto ni arigatou!!
Ciao ciao! ^o^
Well, you just reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger. (whoa..I made myself sound old and I'm 16...) I never really talked to anyone and I felt totally unnoticed. (and honestly, I'm still kinda like that -_-) But, I try to live life to the fullest and there's always a smile on my face as long as the people I love are smiling too :) Anyways, of you ever need any advice, please don't hesitate to ask, whether it's me or Lazy Musician, or whatever. Cause everyone needs advice once in a while (and sometimes all the time..like at my school :/) Have a great day! :)
DeleteOkay!! Thanks so much!! :D Hope that u would try to believe in yourself (like what i'm doing now) so that we can feel that hey we are needed... Schools are really stressful nowadays, so remember to take a break sometimes!! <3 Live positively and you won't lose anything. In fact, u might gain more and more each day! Smile more okay!! Good luck in finding more friends too! ^_^ (Real friends that is...)
ReplyDeleteOkay, hope my encouragement helped! ><
Ciao ciao!!
your welcome! an always know im here for you XD
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