What happens when your family is not your family at all?
What happens when everything you've thought to be perfect turn out all to be just plainly pure illusions?
What happens if the people who pulled you out from your misery become the very people who pushes you deeper, (subconsciously)?
What does "subconsciously" even mean?
On the internet, this very word is defined to be "existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness".
So do people always have the thoughts of hurting others at the back of their minds?
Or did the definition I found out turn to be inaccurate?
I don't know, and honestly, I don't want to know.
The thought of knowing the thoughts behind the back of everyone else's minds and the thought of not knowing anything at all. Which is worse? Everything just stabs like knives, completely piercing through anything and everything that I actually left myself with. It stings, it hurts, I'm bleeding, but I can't see nor hear nor smell nor feel anything.
Just nothing,
Just when I thought I had a chance of moving out of this sealed shell,
Nothing;
Just when I thought I found people who knows,
Nothing;
Just when I thought I found a family,
Nothing.
Just nothing at all.
Perhaps I'm just making a huge fuss out of nothing again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become annoying again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become weaker again.
Perhaps I'm losing myself again.
Perhaps; Perhaps; Perhaps.
Well anyways, story-telling time.
Yesterday, Wednesday, it was cca day, it was odac day, it was family day.
I looked forward to spending time with all my dearest friends, talking, laughing, snapping random shots along our trek and finally having a family-ish dinner so much that it pulled me through the first 2 shitty days with a bright smile constantly hanging on my face. The idea of just seeing them, just spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them always makes my day and I just appreciate their presence so much in my life.
They are just like the family to me now.
But just when we assembled at our meeting spot to proceed to the venue for trekking, one of us couldn't make it due to lessons, and the nice happy thought of the whole cca, with full members on board, spending time together for the first time after oec (our first cca camp together) just disappeared. I was sad, definitely, but I still looked forward to spending time with the rest of the family, doing the crazy things we always do together during cca times.
Perhaps it was a leadership thing I had embedded in me ever since secondary school, or perhaps it was because the "kind" me is still lighting up dimly at a far end within me, I made everyone walk ahead of me so as to ensure that "no one is left behind", be it physically or emotionally or whatever. But that just resulted in me not being able to secure a seat in the bus with everyone else. There was a guy who stood beside me, but because we don't talk much, (and although he's nice, he's quite weird) we ended up using our phones throughout the journey.
And when I turned to look out the window once, the image of Kyoko, the image of my real family in the anime world with my brothers, with Kyou and everyone just flashed through my mind.
It came as a shock, and then thoughts and voices just wouldn't stop flowing after that.
"If they're you're real family, they will never leave you alone."
"If they cared, you wouldn't be standing here "alone" right now."
"Nobody cares."
"You're still an absolute failure."
"Did you really think that you deserve a "family" with how you're like right now?"
So many thoughts and conflicting images, voices. everything just came one after another like it was nothing. I desperately wanted to just pluck in my earpiece to hear Soraru's voice, to hear Toshiki (my "imaginary" oldest brother) sing and calm me down. But just so that I don't look anti-social, just so that I don't look emo or look like I'm being depressed and attention seeking, I stopped myself from doing it.
"Disgusting!"
"Hypocrite!"
"Fake!"
Those voices just wouldn't go away no matter how much I distracted myself with nice images or with the game I was playing with.
And when we finally reached our stop, I just alighted with the voices still talking to me (I'm so thankful that they weren't screaming), and I attempted to look normal while walking forward and looking forward.
But despite me trying to move past all these and allowing myself to enjoy my time with them, the voices really affected me. I tried talking, I tried laughing, I tried smiling from the bottom of my heart, but it all just seemed so impossible because
I started believing what the voices were saying.
And to top it off, as we progressed through the jungle during the trek, apart from one amongst the remaining six of the girls, all the other girls didn't approach me at all. It was as if they wouldn't approach me if I wasn't the one who approached them first. When we stopped at one of the locations for a break, I stood by at one corner (it was an squarish enclosed area) while trying to enjoy the scenery. Although I'm a big fan of nature, seeing tall trees and nothing else surrounding us below didn't really help improve my mood at all. One of the guys came and approached me to talk to me, and honestly, I was so extremely thankful for his presence then. The distraction he brought along; The provision of a cover so as to prevent me from looking overly awkwardly emo being alone; The entertainment I received with just us talking (he just has the ability to do that and I have no idea how but I'm extremely thankful for that); Everything. Just from one small gesture, he rescued me from the voices, the awkwardness and everything else.
But as I turned back when we were about to proceed to continue with our trek, what greeted me was just stares from the other girls. Confused stares; Scared stares; Plain stares, and nothing else. It was as if they didn't dare to approach me just because I was a little "different".
They just stood there and looked at me like I was some sort of zoo animal or something and continued their conversations afterwards while I walked off ahead.
Those stares are the precise stares which I'm just so terrified of seeing in JC.
I prayed so hard day and night that the stares from IA and some people from my secondary school wouldn't appear in the eyes of the friends I made here, but it did.
And the look appeared in the eyes of the people I don't want to see it happening it to the most.
"Maybe they're just confused for a moment because of my weird behavior."
"Maybe I saw it wrongly."
"Maybe the voices in my head are affecting me too much to make a proper judgement."
"Maybe they did it subconsciously."
"Maybe they are just worried. (..?)"
Maybe; Maybe; Maybe.
But maybe not.
The thoughts just all came running back and because I can't just plug in my earpiece and "escape" into the arms of Kyou, into the arms of Kyoko, into the arms of Toshiki and into the arms of all my other family, I could only walk faster and faster and faster ahead of all of them to get rid of their voices, of their faces, of their looks. I really wished that I could outrun the voices in my head, but they were just pulling me deeper into the sea and making me drown, while my friends just stood there by the shore, watching me get pulled away and yet doing nothing.
Nothing.
But no. I don't want that, and I don't want to look at it like that.
They are the very people who made me become more open here at JC;
They are the very people who always makes my day and prevents me from going home in tears after cca;
They are the very people who saved me from all the shits I've been through;
They are the very people who taught me so many new, positive things that I thought only existed in animes and fairy tales;
They are the very people who makes me smile so happily from the bottom of my heart;
They are the very people who are willing to not just listen but help me out at the expense of their precious time all the time;
They are the very people who are pulling me out of the darkness;
They are the very people whom I now regard as a family.
This is the very reason why I swore to myself before entering JC that despite me wanting to find the friends I've always wanted in KHR, I must never open up and never ever convince myself that I could or had the ability to do anything. But the people in my cca did it. They brought so much happiness, kindness and light no one's ever showed to me into my enclosed dark world. They started tearing down the walls I've painstakingly built so effortlessly that no matter how hard I try to build another wall, they just break it down with a flick of their fingers. They started to matter and before I knew it, they became such important people in this world of mine which I swore to only keep myself in and no one else.
And at one point in time, I started believing that they valued me to be someone important too, but due to the love and kindness they showered upon me, I guess I started thinking too highly of myself.
"Do you really think that you deserve all that?"
My heart would really love to say a "yes", but my mind is forcing my lips to mouth out a "no".
"Aren't you thinking too highly of yourself?"
Yes, perhaps all the light they brought into my world has blinded me from reality.
I love them so much, but do they really feel the same?
"Does it even make a different if I'm here or not?"
I'm genuinely terrified of losing precious people again.
Instead of growing stronger each time, I just get weaker and weaker.
My mask is coming off;
My true colors are showing;
The bottle is overflowing;
The dark sides are showing;
"Not deserving, not deserving, not deserving."
Everything seems to be falling apart.
I just can't seem to be able to conceal as well as I could in the past anymore.
The beautiful world that they are trying to show me can only be done if they completely break down my entire wall. I want to reach out to the heavens and soar the skies with them from the bottom of my heart, but if they leave me due to my personality or anything as well, I would have nothing left anymore. Nothing.
And I'm scared because I love them so much I'm not doing anything against it.
They are just wonderful and beautiful people that makes me seem so ugly, so dark,so disgusting in comparison.
I need their presence in my life, but I'm just so scared and screwed up I'm at a total loss of what I should do, and what I should not do.
Can you tell me how I should even proceed from here?
Please.
I'm begging you.
"Don't disappear, please."
Okay, I guess that's enough ranting for today.
Till next time,
Ciao Ciao
What happens when everything you've thought to be perfect turn out all to be just plainly pure illusions?
What happens if the people who pulled you out from your misery become the very people who pushes you deeper, (subconsciously)?
What does "subconsciously" even mean?
On the internet, this very word is defined to be "existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness".
So do people always have the thoughts of hurting others at the back of their minds?
Or did the definition I found out turn to be inaccurate?
I don't know, and honestly, I don't want to know.
The thought of knowing the thoughts behind the back of everyone else's minds and the thought of not knowing anything at all. Which is worse? Everything just stabs like knives, completely piercing through anything and everything that I actually left myself with. It stings, it hurts, I'm bleeding, but I can't see nor hear nor smell nor feel anything.
Just nothing,
Just when I thought I had a chance of moving out of this sealed shell,
Nothing;
Just when I thought I found people who knows,
Nothing;
Just when I thought I found a family,
Nothing.
Just nothing at all.
Perhaps I'm just making a huge fuss out of nothing again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become annoying again.
Perhaps I'm starting to become weaker again.
Perhaps I'm losing myself again.
Perhaps; Perhaps; Perhaps.
Well anyways, story-telling time.
Yesterday, Wednesday, it was cca day, it was odac day, it was family day.
I looked forward to spending time with all my dearest friends, talking, laughing, snapping random shots along our trek and finally having a family-ish dinner so much that it pulled me through the first 2 shitty days with a bright smile constantly hanging on my face. The idea of just seeing them, just spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them always makes my day and I just appreciate their presence so much in my life.
They are just like the family to me now.
But just when we assembled at our meeting spot to proceed to the venue for trekking, one of us couldn't make it due to lessons, and the nice happy thought of the whole cca, with full members on board, spending time together for the first time after oec (our first cca camp together) just disappeared. I was sad, definitely, but I still looked forward to spending time with the rest of the family, doing the crazy things we always do together during cca times.
Perhaps it was a leadership thing I had embedded in me ever since secondary school, or perhaps it was because the "kind" me is still lighting up dimly at a far end within me, I made everyone walk ahead of me so as to ensure that "no one is left behind", be it physically or emotionally or whatever. But that just resulted in me not being able to secure a seat in the bus with everyone else. There was a guy who stood beside me, but because we don't talk much, (and although he's nice, he's quite weird) we ended up using our phones throughout the journey.
And when I turned to look out the window once, the image of Kyoko, the image of my real family in the anime world with my brothers, with Kyou and everyone just flashed through my mind.
It came as a shock, and then thoughts and voices just wouldn't stop flowing after that.
"If they're you're real family, they will never leave you alone."
"If they cared, you wouldn't be standing here "alone" right now."
"Nobody cares."
"You're still an absolute failure."
"Did you really think that you deserve a "family" with how you're like right now?"
So many thoughts and conflicting images, voices. everything just came one after another like it was nothing. I desperately wanted to just pluck in my earpiece to hear Soraru's voice, to hear Toshiki (my "imaginary" oldest brother) sing and calm me down. But just so that I don't look anti-social, just so that I don't look emo or look like I'm being depressed and attention seeking, I stopped myself from doing it.
"Disgusting!"
"Hypocrite!"
"Fake!"
Those voices just wouldn't go away no matter how much I distracted myself with nice images or with the game I was playing with.
And when we finally reached our stop, I just alighted with the voices still talking to me (I'm so thankful that they weren't screaming), and I attempted to look normal while walking forward and looking forward.
But despite me trying to move past all these and allowing myself to enjoy my time with them, the voices really affected me. I tried talking, I tried laughing, I tried smiling from the bottom of my heart, but it all just seemed so impossible because
I started believing what the voices were saying.
And to top it off, as we progressed through the jungle during the trek, apart from one amongst the remaining six of the girls, all the other girls didn't approach me at all. It was as if they wouldn't approach me if I wasn't the one who approached them first. When we stopped at one of the locations for a break, I stood by at one corner (it was an squarish enclosed area) while trying to enjoy the scenery. Although I'm a big fan of nature, seeing tall trees and nothing else surrounding us below didn't really help improve my mood at all. One of the guys came and approached me to talk to me, and honestly, I was so extremely thankful for his presence then. The distraction he brought along; The provision of a cover so as to prevent me from looking overly awkwardly emo being alone; The entertainment I received with just us talking (he just has the ability to do that and I have no idea how but I'm extremely thankful for that); Everything. Just from one small gesture, he rescued me from the voices, the awkwardness and everything else.
But as I turned back when we were about to proceed to continue with our trek, what greeted me was just stares from the other girls. Confused stares; Scared stares; Plain stares, and nothing else. It was as if they didn't dare to approach me just because I was a little "different".
They just stood there and looked at me like I was some sort of zoo animal or something and continued their conversations afterwards while I walked off ahead.
Those stares are the precise stares which I'm just so terrified of seeing in JC.
I prayed so hard day and night that the stares from IA and some people from my secondary school wouldn't appear in the eyes of the friends I made here, but it did.
And the look appeared in the eyes of the people I don't want to see it happening it to the most.
"Maybe they're just confused for a moment because of my weird behavior."
"Maybe I saw it wrongly."
"Maybe the voices in my head are affecting me too much to make a proper judgement."
"Maybe they did it subconsciously."
"Maybe they are just worried. (..?)"
Maybe; Maybe; Maybe.
But maybe not.
The thoughts just all came running back and because I can't just plug in my earpiece and "escape" into the arms of Kyou, into the arms of Kyoko, into the arms of Toshiki and into the arms of all my other family, I could only walk faster and faster and faster ahead of all of them to get rid of their voices, of their faces, of their looks. I really wished that I could outrun the voices in my head, but they were just pulling me deeper into the sea and making me drown, while my friends just stood there by the shore, watching me get pulled away and yet doing nothing.
Nothing.
But no. I don't want that, and I don't want to look at it like that.
They are the very people who made me become more open here at JC;
They are the very people who always makes my day and prevents me from going home in tears after cca;
They are the very people who saved me from all the shits I've been through;
They are the very people who taught me so many new, positive things that I thought only existed in animes and fairy tales;
They are the very people who makes me smile so happily from the bottom of my heart;
They are the very people who are willing to not just listen but help me out at the expense of their precious time all the time;
They are the very people who are pulling me out of the darkness;
They are the very people whom I now regard as a family.
This is the very reason why I swore to myself before entering JC that despite me wanting to find the friends I've always wanted in KHR, I must never open up and never ever convince myself that I could or had the ability to do anything. But the people in my cca did it. They brought so much happiness, kindness and light no one's ever showed to me into my enclosed dark world. They started tearing down the walls I've painstakingly built so effortlessly that no matter how hard I try to build another wall, they just break it down with a flick of their fingers. They started to matter and before I knew it, they became such important people in this world of mine which I swore to only keep myself in and no one else.
And at one point in time, I started believing that they valued me to be someone important too, but due to the love and kindness they showered upon me, I guess I started thinking too highly of myself.
"Do you really think that you deserve all that?"
My heart would really love to say a "yes", but my mind is forcing my lips to mouth out a "no".
"Aren't you thinking too highly of yourself?"
Yes, perhaps all the light they brought into my world has blinded me from reality.
I love them so much, but do they really feel the same?
"Does it even make a different if I'm here or not?"
I'm genuinely terrified of losing precious people again.
Instead of growing stronger each time, I just get weaker and weaker.
My mask is coming off;
My true colors are showing;
The bottle is overflowing;
The dark sides are showing;
"Not deserving, not deserving, not deserving."
Everything seems to be falling apart.
I just can't seem to be able to conceal as well as I could in the past anymore.
The beautiful world that they are trying to show me can only be done if they completely break down my entire wall. I want to reach out to the heavens and soar the skies with them from the bottom of my heart, but if they leave me due to my personality or anything as well, I would have nothing left anymore. Nothing.
And I'm scared because I love them so much I'm not doing anything against it.
They are just wonderful and beautiful people that makes me seem so ugly, so dark,so disgusting in comparison.
I need their presence in my life, but I'm just so scared and screwed up I'm at a total loss of what I should do, and what I should not do.
Can you tell me how I should even proceed from here?
Please.
I'm begging you.
"Don't disappear, please."
Okay, I guess that's enough ranting for today.
Till next time,
Ciao Ciao
