Polar Opposites

So, I guess about three weeks passed since then.
And yes, I successfully got into a JC and am starting my studies now.

But well, things are just.. how and not how I expected and wanted it to be.

Firstly, orientation.
On the very first day of orientation camp, which is the first day when I reported to my new school, I was shocked, happy and nervous the moment I stepped into school.

Shocked, because I realized that only me and one other person got into this school which over thousands applied for as a first choice, and the very sad fact that the one other person, was someone I hoped wouldn't appear in my new school life. But well, despite the fact that we don't really like each other, we still talked to each other;

Happy, because I could finally start a brand new JC life and improve myself as a person both inside out, and be able to make the clique I've always dreamed of. Also, happy because IA didn't manage to get in and "destroy" me once again. I know that it is bad and wrong to be happy that she didn't make it in, but I was just really so relieved;

Nervous, because I started being really scared that I'll meet people who cannot accept me as a person, and that everyone would start distancing themselves from me thinking that I'm awkward or weird. And one more important thing- the fact that I would have to face guys.

But well, that was just the very start.

Later along the way, I started feeling extremely nervous as I met brand new people and had to talk to them like I was totally not socially awkward at all. I mean, just within the first few hours of orientation, all of the guys already became really close with each other, and some of the girls already started forming cliques. But thankfully, I managed to talk to a few friends and even became rather close with two of them, one of which loves anime like I did, and another, who has a extremely similar character as someone from my secondary school (who is very outgoing and cool-ish) and whom really really reminds me of Rick.

However, when the second day came, one of the other girls, who is clearly the popular clique type and precisely the type whom I have absolutely no idea how to communicate with, came and talked to my second friend and became really close with her. Immediately after that, the close friendship which I thought that I could have with the second friend completely vanished, just like that, and I was immediately back on square one.

Thankfully, I still had my other anime friend, (I'll be calling her Iris) there with me. Though it might sound like I'm closer with the other friend, it was only true on the first day because I communicated with her more in comparison with Iris. But well, despite being thankful for her existence here with me in my group, I still felt so so empty on the inside. Although Iris was someone who is awkward around people whom she doesn't click with (she told me so herself), I was still rather envious of her being able to communicate and laugh out with other people just like that.

"Never judge what's on the outside because the inside is the thing that matters" was what kept ringing inside my head, but it's just so hard. It was as if on one part of my head, an angel is telling me that Iris was trying her best to make friends and I should be happy for her, and yes, I do feel happy that she is able to make friends easily, but on the other side, it was as if a devil was plunging a knife deep into my stomach and telling me that that is something I would never achieve in my life no matter how hard I try.

But thankfully, because we had wet games throughout the entire afternoon on the second day, the fun my new group mates gave me managed to erase and push that little devil aside, and they allowed me to really enjoy playing the entire afternoon like the little kid in my dreams.

I was just so thankful to be able to see that little kid smiling so brightly, even though it was just a few hours.

But immediately that night, the little devil just came back and slapped me in the face.
IA appealed to my school through a CCA and managed to make it in out of the 500 over people who tried to appeal in.

That whole night, it was truly a painful long night because the thoughts of her coming in to ruin my life again just wouldn't stop flashing before my very eyes. I could imagine her making friends with all of my OG (orientation group) mates and just give me a smile that says "Look, I can do this way better than you" and continue putting her angels wings in front of everyone and make me pull out my devils thorns due to her angelic powers and successfully making me the bad guy even though she didn't do it on purpose.

Yes, I have to clarify, that she is an extremely kind and nice person who never gets angry, and yes, she could very well be the friend everyone wishes to have, but I just can't forget the fact that my two really really important friendships got "ruined" by her subconsciously. Maybe it even had nothing to do with her, but I just can't take the image of Kaye's crying face and Elex's disapproving look off my head.

I can't erase those two images no matter how hard I tried.

So that night, I wasn't able to sleep a wink despite my body feeling dead tired, and I just kept crying and crying and crying.
"Why did she have to come into my life to ruin it again?"
All I wanted, was just to start a brand new school life, create a brand new me, and calmly close my sad friendship chapter with her in my secondary school life and put a full stop to it.
That's all.

But despite that wish being so small that it wouldn't affect anyone else, it still couldn't be granted.

It's really just not fair.

With that, the third day came, and I started realizing more and more that I couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried. And to worsen my day even more, IA transferred and appeared in our school. The remaining of the orientation which I thought I could enjoy to my hearts content because of her absence  was immediately reduced by half.

"Just ignore her", "Pretend that she's not here" is what Iris and XCX (I met up with her that night to have a dinner with her) kept telling me. But it's just so hard. I just don't know how to bring the feelings deep inside me across to them.
"I can't just simply reset the button in my head and forget everything that I know about her." Her figure, her voice, her laughter etc. I can remember them so clearly because although my friendships with Kaye and Elex was indirectly ruined by her, we were really close friends.

I'm just so lost in this super complicated and twisted friendship I don't even know how I should go about this anymore.
I wish that I could forget, but there's just this small part of me who just stubbornly doesn't want to forget.

And before I knew it, the forth day came by. It was the day we were going off as groups off to Sentosa by ourselves and participate in activities there in the afternoon. The earlier part of the afternoon was probably one of the happiest moments I've felt since entering this school because while we were on our way there and stopping by a mall to have lunch, Iris and I became closer with two other friends. Although there are still other people whom I talk to and consider as friends, I was genuinely happy that I managed to make another two close friends from this orientation. Although the group the four of us formed was rather small, no words could describe how happy I was to be able to make friends like them so quickly.

But like I said earlier, it was only in the earlier parts of the afternoon. When we reached Sentosa and started playing team games, negative feelings just came pouring back. Everything we did afterwards as an OG were team games, which I was extremely good and bad at. For team games, I'm the type of person who can only play very well with a selected group of people, or even small groups, but can be so horrible at the exact same game if I were to play it with an entire class. I, too, don't understand why, but that's well, just how it is, and it really affected me a lot. I just gave a tired and nonchalant look the whole time, but deep inside, I really wanted to be part of the family as well.

I just hate this part of me who just simply can't do anything at all.

But well, at least the orientation camp allowed me to feel human at times, and yes, I'm really thankful to be able to be this happy after so long.

"Do you understand that you don't deserve this?"

was what I couldn't stop going around in my head the whole time and I felt so sick of myself I desperately wanted someone to slap me awake afterwards.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING."

Yes, despite it just being another "normal" girl anyone would find on the streets, despite it just being another "normal" girl who had fun for a day, I just can't stop getting the inferiority complex off.

Perhaps, this may be even worse than an inferiority complex.

The thought of me being worthless just keeps coming on.

Why?
Did my secondary school really change me this much?
What did I do to deserve this?
I just feel darker and darker by the day I really wish that I could bleach myself to hide my ugly self from myself.

And finally, orientation ended, and I was forced to leave all the close friends I've made over these few days and move on to my new class.

But just the moment I stepped and saw my new classmates, the inner me just collapsed.
Almost everyone in my new class already formed cliques and it was nearly impossible to fit in.

"How am I supposed to survive in this class for two years?"
kept screaming in my head.

And in the next moment, I saw IA and Iris happily talking together as they were in the same class. Whatever I desperately prayed for not to happened just flashed by in reality, and I just broke down.

I ran to the toilet during break and just cried and cried and cried.

I missed my OG mates already.
I missed being all alone at home not knowing anything.
I missed staring at the poster of Hibari the second I needed it.

That was probably the first time after so long that I couldn't contain my feelings in school, in front of people. Throughout the "lecture" after that, I just hugged my bag and tried to hide my hiccups and shaking from crying and I kept praying that everything would end soon.

It was so long since I last felt like collapsing so much.

Throughout the entire weekend, I just felt so tired both physically and mentally I felt so close to wanting to die. At times, the shaking just won't stop and I felt so cold, so empty, and so alone I couldn't breathe at all. It was just so miserable I wished that Monday would never come for me.

But it still did today.

Thankfully, just during the previous night, Iris texted me and we talked about so many things. We even exchanged our blog names. Although we just met, I just felt safe in confiding all these to her. And after reading the previous posts, without even thinking, she just stood on my side against all my unknown enemies out there just because she treated me as a friend and she wanted to protect me. When I read that, I was just so lost that tears couldn't stop flowing. It was really the first time anyone was willing to do that for me. Me.

Words just can't describe how much I appreciate and am thankful for this friend.

Because of her, I managed to muster up all the courage I had left and came to school this morning. Then, I started talking to some people and took that really big step in making friends with them. I'm so relieved that I did because finally, after so long of running away, I finally took the step forward and moved one step out.

It was as if I were taking a step out into the light from the darkness, yet, it was as also as if I were taking a step out into the dark from my own "light".

I didn't know if I made the right choice, but I really really pray with all my heart and might that I did.

Really, with all my might.

Well, I think I've perhaps typed a little too much.
I guess, that'd be it for now,
Ciao Ciao