I guess around three months have passed again.
Honestly, I don't particularly like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems like keeping my posts hanging just like that, but it just seems that I can't seem to type things immediately after something happens. Once again, many things have happened and before I leave anything out, I decided to type it all out now. I don't want to lose a place where I think I can belong - even if it's just for a short while - anymore.
One of the biggest things that happened within these three months was something that have hit me real real real hard.
Just a few days - just two days in fact - before my Os, Rick passed away.
Just like that.
The things which I thought usually happened only in television dramas actually took place right smack in my face. When I heard the news, I was first dumbstruck and wasn't able to believe it at all. But when all the instagram posts of wishing her all the best in her next journey came, reality really struck me.
Tears wouldn't stop flowing, and I just cried and cried and cried.
I just couldn't believe that she left. Just like that. She was someone who is always so positive; someone who always brought smiles to everyone's faces. Despite the many things that happened between us, she didn't treat me as if I were invisible. She still tried to reduce the awkwardness between us whenever we met on school corridors or at the canteen. Like what everyone else says, she was definitely guaranteed a spot in the best schools with her brains and grades in school, and she definitely deserved much more.
But she just left us.
Everyone cried really hard. Especially the thirteen people in clique. And this was especially bad because it was just a few days before our major exams, and after seeing her laying beautifully in her coffin, I (and I believe everyone else too), was unable to forget that picture.
It was just simply too depressing.
I thought that after 2 years, I would have long forgotten how it feels like to have a friend like her, but no. I still miss her so much. And yes, this particular incident just stirred up everything within me. It honestly made me realize just how fragile life is. I thought that losing her as a close friend was already bad enough. But only when she passed away, that I realized that never being able to see this friend anymore hurts much much more.
Everything is just simply so warped that it is so scary, so disgusting, so empty.
I just couldn't seem to stop asking why it wasn't me who went instead of her.
"Why choose someone who is so wanted here instead of someone who is wanted to disappear?"
And honestly after that, I just couldn't, and didn't want to give anything a damn anymore. I know that Os is important, and if I didn't put in all the effort I have, my future could be destroyed, but screw that, I don't want to study. It's definitely not Rick's fault for my thinking after that, really, but it's just that I so tired, so lazy, that I just couldn't care less. I know that deep inside, I still care, but whatever, I can't see my future anyway.
Somehow, it really seemed as if the Gods up there are joking with me or just punishing me for everything that I did because just after I decided to pass a birthday gift to Kaye, and we started to text a little, and after I got over all those precious messages which got deleted after my phone broke down again, this happened.
It really is as if I can't ever experience being normal again.
"But what exactly is being normal?" is a question I would ask myself while laughing every once in a while. What a joke.
Then, after I thought that I could possibly recover from this - even if it's just a little - my friendship with IA cracked and broke down. Everything just couldn't work out anymore. Despite me being the one who initialed it, and me telling myself that I would never regret this decision, it still kinda stings. Even though IA did annoy and piss me off at times, I won't deny that she has also brought me a lot of laughter with all her "crazy" antics. We were very different in terms of almost everything, but despite that, we were still very close and could joke around with so many things.
Sometimes, I really wished that time could rewind till the time when something started going wrong so we could fix it and everything would have it's perfect ending, but sometimes I don't. I'm just so conflicted that at times, I really wished that I could lose all my memories and forget about every single thing.
The fears, the pain, the emptiness within. I wished that I could just forget them all.
When I was at Taiwan during the eleven weeks from around two weeks ago, I was constantly reminded of really painful things. The feeling of being able to be in a place where I wouldn't know anyone and with nobody to recognize me, it just felt so surreal, so fake, that I just keep having the feeling that it was all a fantasy and I kept wanting to get back to Singapore - the place with all the reality in place - immediately. It's just so painful to know that I can't even feel at ease even in a place which should originally keep me happy anymore.
I hate reality, really, but without it, I can hardly breathe anymore.
I honestly just don't know what is it exactly that I want anymore.
Throughout this month after my Os, almost everyday is tiring. The life which I always earned for when I still had to go to school is just so different from the live I am living now. I just feel like I'm floating aimlessly with all these emptiness in a filthy land, unable to see; unable to hear; unable to feel. It really feels worse than living in hell somehow, though I know that hell is so scary that I might cry myself awake if I ever dream of me being in one.
I thought that not being able to see anybody would truly be a blessing for me, but honestly, it is really times like these that I just feel so painfully alone even though I know that anime is here for me.
This was also when I realized how nice it would be to be able to be immune to loneliness, and how terribly painful and sad to not being able to feel anything.
Is this how Hibari has been feeling all these while, that he just hates the idea of people crowding in front of him in KHR?
Somehow, it is as if I can understand how he feels now. Like him perhaps, I'm just so sick and tired of the fake covers beneath everybody and the disgusting smiles each of them has that I can't even feel any presence of warmth even when I with people. With friends, I just felt even more alone knowing that all of them are fake. Even the ones whom I thought who wouldn't betray my feelings would still go ahead and stab me in the back one day, so is there any point at all?
This reality of the world is so disgusting that I feel nauseous whenever I think of it.
And this just truly makes me feel so dark in the inside.
Like yesterday, some people just always remind me of how ugly I truly am. I know that it's disgusting to want to look nice and be acknowledged just to make myself feel better, but when a lady asked my friend if she was interested in being a model when I'm beside her and gave me an apologetic look for not asking me, and a guy which confessed to my other friend in my presence and looked at me awkwardly because she looked prettier than me, I just felt so ugly and grossed about myself.
I truly am ugly both on the inside and outside huh.
"You're digusting!"
"Just disappear!"
"Vanish, you freak!"
These were words that the inner me told myself yesterday after the latter incident (where my friend got confessed to), when I was at the bottom of my block. When I just have to know of this reality, I just kept screaming inside my head to make the voices get out. It was really so painful that I just couldn't stop shaking even when I hugged and buried my head in my knees. Tears just kept flowing and I cried and cried and cried.
I never knew that I was such a crybaby who cried over every single thing.
I just really hate everything about everything, and anything about anything.
I just don't know what I should even do anymore.
Well, sorry for ending off in such a depressing note after so long, but I honestly couldn't care less anymore.
That's all I have for now,
Ciao Ciao
