Firstly, emotional problems.
Yes, I know I've constantly repeated similar emotional problems from time to time, but it's somehow, I just can't seem to understand why I can't use the same feelings to face these issues over and over again. Every time I face something new, the impact is always twice as hard as the previous ones. And during the start of last month, I broke down in front of my parents again, despite desperately trying so hard not to. My mum and dad got so worried that they got me to see a counselor.
But seeing the counselor only made things worse.
During the midst of the counselling session, I told the counselor quite a bit of things because I wanted to trust her, and I genuinely wanted to take a huge step so that I could move towards being normal again. But somehow, at some parts, I just can't control myself and lied about a few things. As of now, I honestly couldn't remember much of what we said during the counselling session, but towards the end, she came to the conclusion that I was suffering from depression. To many others, they may feel that I'm still the "happy, kind and responsible" classmate and never believe me if I ever were to tell them that I suffered from depression, but there was one thing that my friend (someone I could confide to) told me. She told me that depression is something that only the sufferer can feel and be affected by, and only the sufferers themselves can see the sufferings and chose to hide them so that others would not worry. It's true. I'm sure that many people in the world out there are suffering from depression, but because they chose to hide them to prevent others from worrying,they end up hurting themselves a lot more. I'm not trying to make myself look better, but this is a fact.
Before me and my counselor ended the session, she actually recommended me to visit a psychiatrist to get myself a cure and some anti-depression pills. But I rejected her offer. After the whole counselling session, one thing that became very very clear to me was the fact that counselling sessions just never help me at all. Three years ago, when I visited my school counselor as recommended by my friend, the counselor just went on telling me what I should do before properly listening to what I had to say. She didn't bother standing in my position at all. And throughout, I had to smile to her, acting like she was actually giving a huge help when all she did was blabber about her so called "facts". It was actually very suffocating and painful in the inside to endure all of these.
One main thing that I could remember from the counselling session in the beginning of last month was one sentence that she said before sending me away.
"It's not your fault."
After she said this, the me inside just collapsed. As my parents were waiting for me outside to go home after she spoke to them about me, the first thing I did was to request of them to allow me to walk home alone. But they didn't allow it because it was already late at night. Because of that, I lost my last chance to cry like how I always did.
Now, no matter how painful I was or how suffocating I felt, I couldn't cry anymore.
Because she told me that it's not my fault, that I'm not the evil person that I was like how I thought I was, I lost the barrier within me that another me was created to protect myself. I know that it is really ironic of how a me who always make me think that I'm bad helped me, but that person, was the reason how I could cry whenever I wanted to. Because she kept telling me about how bad I was, I was able to blame myself whenever I did something wrong, and cry out all the guilt I had within me and made myself feel better. But now that the barrier was gone, I couldn't make this brain of mine think that I'm at fault despite being so crooked and horrible and allow myself to cry like how I used to do it. Even if I cried now, the tears that flow doesn't east my pain one bit. It just made me hurt even more.
This hurts so so much, that I've already planned of my suicide.
I know that its stupid to end my life just like that, and I would definitely hurt my parents who love me so much, but I really can't seem a point in living anymore. All I can see is the pain and sufferings people around me feels, and how dark the world actually is. I wouldn't die yet, not now, but I really don't know when that rubber band would snap and then, it's goodbye.
During 29 August, when the level of our school visited NUS to see how life is like in a university, it kind of thoroughly destroyed my friendship with IA. During the trip, IA was constantly being dragged away by another friend forcefully. This really made me think of one thing, and that is that I really really do fail as a friend.
"People are coming to me because of her, or leaving me because of her."
Whenever I make a new friend, despite becoming really close, IA would "steal the spotlight" away from me whenever she comes near me and starts the conversation with that friend and they would be even closer together than I was to that new friend. It was somehow as if I was a matchmaker for IA to spread her circle of friends. I know that this most probably isn't the case, but somehow, I'm really starting to feel that I kind of "lost my value" as a close friend to IA because I've stopped finding new friends and establishing new friendships, and this is indirectly causing IA to stop making as many new friends as in the past. I know that I'm really bad for looking at things this way, but sometimes, I really just can't help it.
Now, whenever I see her with that other friend that she is close with, I don't feel anything anymore. In the past, whenever I see my close friend being that close to someone else, there would be this possessive feeling and I would feel really annoyed that my friend is being so close to someone else and not to me. I would always get this "jealousy" feeling. But now, I really don't feel anything anymore. This feeling is so bad that it's making me think that it's okay even if I lose this friendship. IA keeps telling me that she treasures me more than how she treats other friends, and yes, I can see that sometimes, but for the me now, I don't feel anything anymore. I do feel happy when she told me that I'm perhaps the closest friend that she has made in her secondary school life or life (idk) but I really can't feel anything more than that. And really, to me, this is the worst point a friendship can actually go because when one party feels this way, it's game over.
No matter how hard the other party tries, nothing can save this friendship anymore.
I really didn't expect that other friend to affect our friendship this much, but really, things just somehow became this way and we can't go back to how things were before anymore. I don't want IA to put in so much into this friendship solely because it'd be unfair to her, but really, despite saying that things would definitely get better after O Levels, I really don't think that that would happen anymore. Maybe if it were a week before, yes, but now, this feeling of nothing at all just makes me feel like things won't ever become better anymore. And somehow, despite feeling sad and disappointed, I feel kind of... glad because this means that our sufferings would officially come to an end and she can move on to the next chapter of her life. That would be better for her.. right?
Well, leaving other things aside, I think that's pretty much all for now, excluding the studies part which I unfortunately am too lazy to continue typing.
Till next time,
Ciao ciao
