Exaggeration.
Truth.
Self.
Truth.
Self.
These were the other 3 titles I have been debating for for this particular blog post. But in the end, I still chose "lies" to finish it all. Well, I guess "lies" somehow just envelopes and shows it all.
Somehow, in this moment, I can say that I'm being the most honest from the entire 2 years, (or 1 year plus), that had passed. Sounds very long isn't it? But no, I'm not lying. I need to write all of these down now, so that I can remember a part of me who could actually be honest with herself after all of these.
I had been thinking just minutes ago, and somehow, everything just pieced itself together. I can now bravely say that I'm just living in my own lies within these 2 years.
I had been thinking just minutes ago, and somehow, everything just pieced itself together. I can now bravely say that I'm just living in my own lies within these 2 years.
Yes, I know that I have been saying how much other people have hurt me and caused me to be who I am today, the one who was actually hurting me from the very beginning was me myself. From the day me and her "broke up", and had our friendship destroyed, I have been lying to myself non-stop, and now, I can't step out of it anymore.
Maybe, because I was hurt so badly the first time for losing a friendship, I lost control. To make myself look more pitiful, I kept telling myself that I have so much pain and darkness within me and I can never be "normal" again. That was all bullshit. That was not the truth at all. That never happened before i said that first lie to myself. Because I kept telling myself that that was the "real me", and that darkness had consumed me entirely and all, I was dragged in. I was convinced by my own lies. Then, one lie just led to another, and another and another and another. It was endless. Not only to myself, I started lying to everyone else too. My life, suddenly became a stage, and I was my own main character. Does it sound splendid? No. It is actually the complete opposite. It is really really horrible. Yes, I could act out any character I want with the perfect script imprinted in my head instantly. Honestly, I am that good now. But that was not the truth before. Because I wanted to gain pity for myself, I kept lying and said that I could lie so well and all. But I am actually not good at it at all then. Two years ago, when I said that I could lie very well, I was lying because I couldn't. I was the only audience to the me acting on the stage, so how does that make me the perfect actress? So, the truth from the very beginning was that I was lying to everyone so "perfectly", so that I could lie to my own self. Sorry if it sounded confusing, but all I want to say is that, despite being very good at lying now even though I keep saying that it is a bad thing, I was the very cause of all these lies.
Maybe, because I was hurt so badly the first time for losing a friendship, I lost control. To make myself look more pitiful, I kept telling myself that I have so much pain and darkness within me and I can never be "normal" again. That was all bullshit. That was not the truth at all. That never happened before i said that first lie to myself. Because I kept telling myself that that was the "real me", and that darkness had consumed me entirely and all, I was dragged in. I was convinced by my own lies. Then, one lie just led to another, and another and another and another. It was endless. Not only to myself, I started lying to everyone else too. My life, suddenly became a stage, and I was my own main character. Does it sound splendid? No. It is actually the complete opposite. It is really really horrible. Yes, I could act out any character I want with the perfect script imprinted in my head instantly. Honestly, I am that good now. But that was not the truth before. Because I wanted to gain pity for myself, I kept lying and said that I could lie so well and all. But I am actually not good at it at all then. Two years ago, when I said that I could lie very well, I was lying because I couldn't. I was the only audience to the me acting on the stage, so how does that make me the perfect actress? So, the truth from the very beginning was that I was lying to everyone so "perfectly", so that I could lie to my own self. Sorry if it sounded confusing, but all I want to say is that, despite being very good at lying now even though I keep saying that it is a bad thing, I was the very cause of all these lies.
The multiple sides that I have within me, very born because of all the lies I made to myself. Because I kept making myself look so vulnerable and weak, naturally the negative side grown. But then, because I had to try to balance myself out and look "normal" in front of everyone else, the kind side within me also grew. At this very moment, because of all my lies, I can no longer tell apart who is the real me anymore. I can no longer tell whether I am nice or evil in the beginning because the multiple sides within me which is created from my lies, and now all "lying" to me. I am really so confused. I really want to go back to 2 years ago to see how the me actually was then. Was I kind? Or was I naturally the antagonist of all the plays on my stage?
I really wish someone could tell me who I really am.
Not only my relatives, but my friends especially. They all keep saying that I am very "nice". Is that really the truth? Since when? Honestly, I cannot remember how I was nice to them. I had been so obsessed in lying to myself that I did not realise that I was actually "sucking up" to the people around me. When a friend first told me that I was nice, it was when I realised that I was lost within my own world, because I cannot remember which side of me is the real me. I felt so guilty whenever someone else said that I was "nice", because, that might not necessarily be the truth. In addition, recently, I started to realise that I was only "nice" to the people I knew. During my recess period last week, because someone I didn't really like bumped into me, I unconsciously gave off a "death glare". I didn't know I actually did that at first before I friend told me. I was shocked. I tried to cover that up by saying other stuff, but now when I think of it, I haven't gotten over it yet. Am I really such a scary person? Despite my friends saying that I am very nice, there are many others who said that I looked "scary" when I was alone. So, am I really that "nice person" everyone else was referring me to as? I really really have no idea.
I really wish someone could tell me who I really am.
Not only my relatives, but my friends especially. They all keep saying that I am very "nice". Is that really the truth? Since when? Honestly, I cannot remember how I was nice to them. I had been so obsessed in lying to myself that I did not realise that I was actually "sucking up" to the people around me. When a friend first told me that I was nice, it was when I realised that I was lost within my own world, because I cannot remember which side of me is the real me. I felt so guilty whenever someone else said that I was "nice", because, that might not necessarily be the truth. In addition, recently, I started to realise that I was only "nice" to the people I knew. During my recess period last week, because someone I didn't really like bumped into me, I unconsciously gave off a "death glare". I didn't know I actually did that at first before I friend told me. I was shocked. I tried to cover that up by saying other stuff, but now when I think of it, I haven't gotten over it yet. Am I really such a scary person? Despite my friends saying that I am very nice, there are many others who said that I looked "scary" when I was alone. So, am I really that "nice person" everyone else was referring me to as? I really really have no idea.
What should I do?
Can anyone please tell me?
I'm really really scared that I'll completely lose myself one day, and now, this is not an lie nor an exaggeration. I am really already starting to "forget" things. Not forgetting as in having short term memory, but forgetting who I really am inside.
Because of the lies and the constant exaggeration I make to make myself look pitiful, to gain attention, I am resulting in more pain for myself now. Honestly, I really regret it, but I just can't stop. The lies and exaggeration just keeps coming so naturally, it is as if I can no longer control myelf anymore.
Can anyone please tell me?
I'm really really scared that I'll completely lose myself one day, and now, this is not an lie nor an exaggeration. I am really already starting to "forget" things. Not forgetting as in having short term memory, but forgetting who I really am inside.
Because of the lies and the constant exaggeration I make to make myself look pitiful, to gain attention, I am resulting in more pain for myself now. Honestly, I really regret it, but I just can't stop. The lies and exaggeration just keeps coming so naturally, it is as if I can no longer control myelf anymore.
Okay, I guess I really need to start to post inspirational things again so that I can help someone else to prevent another victim for falling in to a similar darkness to mine. But for now, I just wanted to try to be more honest with myself before I can have more... useful things to help others.
Well, that's all I have for now.
If anyone has anything to tell/ give advice/ ask me, please feel free to do so! Drop a comment on this blog post or you can kik/line me at Mikichinomiya.
If anyone has anything to tell/ give advice/ ask me, please feel free to do so! Drop a comment on this blog post or you can kik/line me at Mikichinomiya.
Okay, so bye for now!
Ciao ciao
Ciao ciao
